Delicate
by IrishLeFay
Summary: Dee loves Ryo with his whole heart, but will Ryo's inability to cope with his sexuality tear the unconventional family apart? Read the sequel ORDINARY HEROES :
1. Sticks and Stones

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^; 

Delicate

Chapter One:

 Sticks and Stones

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was one of those days. In fact Ryo had a feeling it would be a whole new definition of 'one of those days'

He and Dee had had dinner together the night prior. Dee had really gone all the way in preparing dinner, making a very impressive alfredo sauce to go over Fettuccini ad chickens, with a cheesecake for dessert. But Ryo had been called home shortly after they finished eating by Bikky who had accidentally cut himself working on an art project for school. The cut, done in a split second slip of the exacto knife had required several stitches and a three-hour wait in the ER. 

If had ended there today wouldn't be looking quite so bleak. Ryo was also lactose intolerant. Had been since he was very young. General consumption of dairy usually left him with a mild stomachache and a couple other more embarrassing but equally trivial issues. It wasn't usually enough to make him avoid anything but straight milk. There were times however, when I flared up, and even a little dairy made him very ill. Apparently his dinner with Dee had been more lactose then his gastro-intestinal system wanted to handle. His wait in the ER with his son had been uncomfortable, but by the time he got home, his body was actively rejecting Dee's wonderful dinner. 

Unfortunately by that morning he was fine, other then only having gotten four hours of sleep, which wasn't, In Ryo's book, enough of a reason to call in. Besides if he stayed home he would have to tell Dee why. Not only would it be rather embarrassing, he was sure it would crush Dee. 

If it had ended there it would have only been a bad night. But despite only having been awake for three hours, his day was going very very poorly. He had woken late and exhausted, Bikky had not wanted to get up. They left the apartment behind schedule… and then the car wouldn't start. So, Ryo had to rush his son down to the subway, and escort him to school that way, knowing that left to his own devices Bikky would surely skip. Now, as he finally set foot in the precinct he was nearly an hour late, and his beeper was vibrating almost constantly with pages from the department. Oh yes. This would be a good day.

"Ryo, Jesus, where the hell have you been? Rose is having kittens! Full moon last night, you know what that means." Dee shouted across the squad room from where he stood at the coffee pot. Ryo sighed intentionally ignoring a wink from Janet, that girl just didn't know what 'no' meant. 

"Good morning to you too Dee…. Pour me a mug will you? With extra caffeine." 

Dee chuckled as he poured a second mug. "Well good morning sunshine, long night? How's the Brat?"

"Fine. A couple stitches and a very very long time in the ER. He will live."

"Well damn. Ah well, if he is gonna live then he can wash my car for me for some pocket money." Dee grinned handing over the mug, leaning back against the counter.

"No dice, he's not to get it unnecessary wet. What's Rose got his boxers in a bunch about?" Ryo took a sip of his coffee and grimaced as he burned his tongue. "Man… if I could get one thing to go right for me, I would be a very very happy."

Dee frowned in concern, shifting so he stood in front of Ryo, blocking him from view of the rest of the room. It was an unconscious gesture, Ryo was sure, but he still found Dee's urge to protect him very endearing. "Are you okay handsome? Anything I can do? You want to find a quiet corner so we can talk for a minute?" 

"Do we have time? I could use a minute." Ryo said softly, trying to keep his body language neutral. He wanted to lean back against the counter with his legs a little apart so Dee could stand between them, but he forced himself to keep his eyes on his coffee and remain at a ninety-degree angle to the floor. 

"What's Rose gonna do? Fire us? Loose some of his top shooters… and the ass holes we book are more likely to be convicted then anyone else's collars. Yeah we got a minute. Come on." Dee made a motion with his head moving out of the squad room over to their closet sized office, shutting the door carefully behind Ryo and pulling the warped blinds down over the small window into the squad room. "All right handsome, what's wrong?"

Ryo smiled as he moved over to Dee, wrapping his arms around Dee's waist, resting his head on Dee's shoulder. "It's been a rough twelve hours or so. No big deal, I just didn't sleep very well. Its not helping." He inhaled deeply against the crook of Dee's neck. Irish spring soap and shaving cream, very nice. 

"Didn't sleep well eh?" Ryo could hear the wolfish gleam in Dee's eye. 

"Not like that, don't be an ass."

"Sorry, just teasing." Dee brought his arm's around Ryo giving him a warm hug then just stood their holding him, calloused hands smoothing over the soft cotton of Ryo's dress shirt, pausing to knead the muscles at the nape or Ryo's neck. "Can I come over tonight?"

"Of course." Ryo smiled and gave Dee's neck a light kiss before stepping back. He was so, so glad Dee was here for him, as a partner and friend, as well as a lover. But Ryo tried very hard to keep it in the 'friends and partners' category at work, so did Dee… well, when others could see them anyway. "So what has Rose spitting tacks?"

"Oh some lawyer from G.O.A.L is here to do some sort of diversity training or some shit." Dee shrugged lighting up a cigarette as he leaned back against a filing cabinet. 

"G.O.A.L?" Ryo wave a plume of smoke out of his face picking up his coffee and taking another sip. Now that it had cooled he could actually tasted it, and decided that the burning was better.

"Gay Officers Action League. Do you live under a rock?" Dee smirked a little, cracking their window that face the street to filter out some of the smoke, of course, the second hand from Dee's smoke was probably healthier then smog outside. 

"No. I don't. Thank you very much. I just have no reason to know what that is." Ryo frowned. "I'm not gay." 

"No, you just like fucking men." It was Dee's turn to frown. Ryo had had a rough night, but damn he hated when Ryo decided that he wasn't 'gay' or 'bi' that he just 'happen to fall in love with a man' like it was some big cosmic whoops. "Fine. Then your bi, whatever."

"I'm not bi either, damn it Dee. We've talked about this and even if we hadn't now is not the time. Further more, why do you always seem to think I'm 'gay' when you get to be 'bi'? What the hell is that?!" Despite having decided now was not the time to talk about this Ryo temper was stoked and well burning. "Listen Dee. You can be whatever the hell you want, that is just fine. But _I_ am _not_ like _that_. I like women. I want to get married and have children some day, okay? I am not homosexual! So just drop it!"

"You're the one still talking." Dee remarked mildly as he butted out his cigarette. A band that he thought had loosened since Ryo and he had finally gotten together constricted painfully around his heart. He thought he had let Ryo make all the choices, that he hadn't force the man into anything. Dee was starting to think that wasn't the case. "Come on. We've got some fag waiting to lecture us about other fags. Don't forget your 'I'm not a homosexual' sign. Wouldn't want anyone to think you're one of _them_." Dee snagged his clipboard from his desk and strode out of the room. 

Ryo stayed back, blinking at the empty office… what had just happened there? Had what he said sounded as bigoted as what Dee threw back at him? Today was not going well. He hadn't meant to hurt Dee. Shaking his head, Ryo grabbed his own clipboard from his desk and headed for the classroom.

"Ten percent of the population admitted to being homosexual to some degree on a survey. That statistic is from nearly ten years ago. Many think the numbers would be much higher if taken today, as it has become slightly more tolerated to be homosexual. This statistic includes both men and women, of all ages. So, I can safely say, standing here, that there are at least three of you in the room who are gay, not including myself. For those of you who were obsessing about that. I am Gay." The speaker took a deep breath and offered a small smile. "I have been out of the closet since I was seventeen…. And that never gets any easier." 

From where he sat Dee offered the man a smile. He never quite understood why people had a hard time coming out, he never did, but hey the man was putting himself out there. He had heard Ryo slip in a few moments after him and take a seat in the back. Dee has found an open desk more towards the middle. Today's little in-service wasn't going to be as bad as he had dreaded. The speaker was very avid and passionate about the subject, witty, and most importantly, extraordinarily hot. 

"So, not only are ten percent of your co-workers gay or lesbian, ten percent of the people you deal with are as well. Whether it's a domestic disturbance, murder, as victims, witnesses, or perpetrators. One in every ten is gay. If general human decency and acceptance isn't enough to make you interested in tolerance I can tell you this as well. More then ten percent of the lawyers, in the DA's office, prosecution, Defense, legal aid, private practice, not to mention G.O.A.L, are gay or lesbian. So, it would be very, very easy to get sued nine ways from Sunday. So. What is tolerance?"

As the lawyer spoke he moved, not a lot, just the occasional step, or shift of weight, enough to make him look animate and alive. He had long fingered hands that didn't just gesture, they danced. If Dee hadn't been taken, he surely would have tried to bed this man. Dark brunette hair, stunning blue eyes, legs a mile long, this man was definitely a wet dream in the making. Dee grinned and slouched in his chair a little. It was like being in high school again and having a hot teacher.

The speaker scanned the room quickly. He knew this wasn't going to be an easy audience. "Right, well then." He said when he saw not a single hand go up. "Tolerance is 'putting up' with something. You tolerate… a head cold, or wet shoes or a whiney kid. You cope with it because you have to. Now can anyone tell me why this might be detrimental to understanding minorities, be they gay, black, Asian or Jewish?" Some of the wind was being taken out of his sails. The faint smile on his face seemed to dry there like ketchup on the wall. Dee was surprised Ryo's hand wasn't in the air. His partner had a penchance for over participation. Finally he heard Ryo's quiet but resounding voice in the dead room. 

"If you are only tolerating someone you still have a negative perception of them but are allowing their existence because you have to."

"Right, thank you officer, what is your name?" The man looked much relieved. 

"Randy MacLean." Ryo replied, but his response sounded a bit board. Yeah Dee didn't envy the lawyer a bit.

The lawyer, who they found out went by the name of Lyn Doren, held his composure admirably throughout his speech, even in the face of the blue wall of silence staring at him. At the end of the hours most of the Detectives bolted from the room, in less time then it took Mr. Doren to turn around and start to pack his briefcase. 

"We should talk to him Dee, he gave a really good lecture, and under some serious pressures." Ryo said softly, laying a hand on Dee's arm as he made to pass.

"What about? You're not gay, remember." Dee's mood dropped quickly again as he remembered their earlier exchange of words. 

"Dee, don't be like that, please, we'll talk about that later. Come with me to thank him for coming in, I doubt Rose will, he looks pretty irritated, I wonder why."

"Probably because he doesn't like being reminded that sexual harassment is illegal." Dee grumbled, letting Ryo lead the way back up to the front of the room. 

From a distance Mr. Doren didn't look tall… or at least not as tall as he was. His slight build lead him to be easily underestimated, but as Dee and Ryo stopped beside him, he was easily a full hands span taller then Dee, and a good half foot taller then Ryo. 

"Mr. Doren… I just wanted to thank you for coming in today, I know it cant be easy talking to such a belligerent crowd."

The lawyer turned to them and smiled, hitching a hip up on the desk. "No sweat, I knew what I was getting into coming to speak to a police department. Its almost as bad as speaking a at a republican convention. Please, call me Lyn." He offered a long fingered hand first to Ryo then to Dee.

"Detective Dee Laytner." Dee replied shaking hands with him firmly. "You actually got it easy with this precinct. There was more then three people in the room who are gay."

"Really? Fascinating. They must ship them all over to this precinct then." Lyn chuckled.

"Its odd, I know. Mind, no one's exactly marching in the Pride parade. But our almost as likely to get hit on by a man as a woman around here." Ryo nodded, sizing Lyn up. 

"Well, most police officers I talk to don't have the luxury of being out. I'm amazed that you are willing to even talk about this." He spoke with an odd turn to some of his words that Ryo had picked up during his lecture. He couldn't tell if it was even a real accent, maybe just a dialect of English, or a slight speech impediment.

"I'm bisexual, everyone in the department knows it. Is that a wedding ring?" Dee's emerald eyes had caught the flash of silver as Lyn had reach up to rake a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, actually." He grinned holding out his hand for Dee to examine. "We've been unofficially married for about three years now."

Dee shot Ryo a look that Ryo couldn't quite interpret. It was some where between pleading an  'I told you so'. If Lyn caught it, he chose to ignore it, not even missing a beat.

"It's been a rough three or four years, but we're making it. I am hoping that the honeymoon phase will start any moment here." Lyn grinned. "Listen… I am not really supposed to ask but…. Are you two…?" he trailed off letting the silence ask his question. Ryo glanced around nervously but Dee just grinned.

"Yeah, we are. We've only officially been together about two months now. We're trying to keep it at least a little on the DL, we don't want to get split up."

"And it's not very professional." Ryo added quickly. Dee frowned again… what was Ryo's deal today?

"Of course, of course. Hey, speaking of unprofessional, how would you like to come have dinner with my family? We have two toddlers, it's not often my husband and I get adult conversation, and I would love to get to know the two of you." Lyn smiled winningly.

"You have kids?" Ryo perked up. "How old?"

"Keiry is two, Annie is one." Lyn's smile widened, his pride for his daughters shinning through like a lighthouse at night.

"I bet they are adorable, Dee and I would love to come to dinner. What time?"

Dee stood back as arrangements were spelled out, surprised Ryo had so readily accepted to have dinner with another same-sex couple. He was so edgy about their relationship lately. Dee blinked back into reality when his shoulder was clapped firmly.

"Great to meet you Detective, I am really looking forward to tonight. You seem like very interesting men."

"Yeah, sounds great counselor." Dee nodded glancing over to Ryo who seemed in a better mood. His blonde partner stood with a small smile on his face hands in his pockets. Dee wondered if the man had a clue how deeply he had hurt him early. The counselor swung his soft-sided briefcase over his shoulder, giving them a last wave before ducking out the door, literally.  "You look pleased Ryo." Dee remarked quietly, hooking his thumbs in his belt loops and leaning back on the desk.

"Well aren't you? We've never… hung out with another couple… I mean, Drake and JJ don't count. And they have kids. It's been ages since I've had a chance to see little kids."

"You should come with me to the orphanage more often. There are about ten kids under the age of five, all who badly need some individual TLC. But yeah, should be a nice evening." Dee nodded, lighting up another cigarette, he had refrained from smoking while Lyn's spoke, thinking that was excessively rude, but his hands were starting to shake. 

Ryo shook his head as his partner sucked on the cancer stick like it was keeping him alive. He wasn't going to nag Dee to stop smoke, he knew what he ha d signed on for, but it still worried him. Dee wasn't too heavy of a smoker, less then a pack a day, but still more then Ryo was truly comfortable with. But Dee had been smoking for over half his life, and that wasn't something that was easily changed.

"Yeah I know, filthy habit. But its hard to change fifteen years of habit, filthy or not." Dee sighed softly looking at the cigarette briefly before inhaling again. 

"I know. I don't expect you to change Dee. I wish you would, for your own health, but you're a grown man and able of making decisions for yourself. But if you ever decide to quit, I would be happy to help you." Ryo gave him a soft smile reaching over to squeeze Dee's hand. The contact was over almost before it started as the office door swung open with a bang.

"Guy's Rose is gonna have a coronary, he has been waiting for you two for ten minutes." Drake called at them as Ryo snatched his hand back almost instantly. 

"Right, thanks buddy, we're on our way, double time." Dee sighed, straitening up and butting the last of his smoke in an ashtray before following Ryo from the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Jesus…"  Dee murmured as he looked around the crime scene crossing himself subtly. He stood at the door of a bedroom in a seedy apartment in Brooklyn. It was impossible to tell what color the carpet had been, it was almost entirely saturated with blood. The body hung suspended from the ceiling by a meat hook that had assumable been mounted there specifically for the crime, as there were particles of plaster from the ceiling that Dee could see from here. Taking a breath he stepped into the room. It had been thoroughly photographed already, and Ryo and he had slipped on plastic covers on their shoes so as not to leave evidence or take any with them. 

"It looks like the perp intentional drained the man of blood. Look, he has been cut across the throat, the wrists, even up here on his thigh. Ryo indicated with a pen the deep slash that bared the mans thighbone to daylight. 

"The meat hook suggests that. That he was… you know, treating him like a slaughtered animal, a side of beef or something." Dee observed as he edged around the victim. "Well… he must not have mounted him immediately, unless the perp was eight feet tall."

"What do you mean?" Ryo asked following Dee around to the back side of the victim. Dee pointed with a grimace at the man's ass.

"He has been ripped to shreds. A broken bottle would have done less damage." Dee shook his head. "Well at least we know our perp is a man." Another indication of the pen pointed at congealed semen on the man's thigh. "Hey, get this body down and send him to autopsy, we need room to work." Dee called to the other officers. 

Ryo stepped back as the EMT's came in with the body bag and a ladder borrowed from the superintendent of the building. Dee moved over to the nightstand and started to poke around carefully, Ryo chose to move over to the attached bathroom looking over the sink and tub for traces of blood, pubic hair, anything that would imply their perp had been here. 

"This is going to be serial, I guarantee it." Dee called from where he squatted.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The scene had taken the better part of the day to fully secure and process. Both the detectives had missed lunch, but it hardly even registered, both of them left too nauseous from the scene to have any interest in food. 

"You still up for our dinner invite?" Dee posed the question around the butt end of a smoke as he stroke towards his car with Ryo, having offered to give him a ride home.

"Yeah, I need a nice night after that. That was brutal. It made me realize that… I don't even notice on that on women anymore. I mean, you know? Another dead hooker is another dead hooker. I think the job is getting to me." The blonde sighed, melancholy. 

"You're not like that baby, I know you're not. Not like those ass holes who step over their bodies like trash. You just… have found professional detachment. Its necessary. It's why the EMT's call them Cadavers, not dead bodies… They cant." Dee rested a hand between Ryo's shoulder blades as they walked to his car. "To you, that badge means something. It's your magic wand to fix the world, not just… I don't know… like a gun, a way to enforce your will. You want to make this city better."

"You do too Dee. Don't you dare discredit yourself, I can hear you doing it already." Ryo admonished, glancing at the handsome relief of his lovers face. 

"Nah, if I wasn't the law, I would be breaking it, that's all. I get to run around with a gun and beat people up, and get paid and not go to jail." Dee shrugged pulling out his keys as he found his car, unlocking the passenger door before his own, settling in and buckling his seat belt as Ryo did, their knuckles brushing. Ryo snagged his hand and brought it to his face and holding it there as he caught Dee's jade gaze.

"That isn't true Dee. You know those women are people. You care about them too. And if you weren't a cop, you would be something else, something honest. Because you are an honest guy. Mother doesn't just mean that you tell the truth, she means in your soul, you are honest and pure of heart, if not always pure of action." 

Dee sighed softly, warm, dark pools drawing him in, piercing him deeply. "I love you." Dee breathed, fingers stroking lightly at the smooth skin under them. "You actually see me." More so then anyone else ever had, accept maybe Penguin, but even she missed some of what he was. '_'It doesn't matter.'_ Dee reminded himself. _'He wants a wedding and children, and we all know there is only one way he is going to get those things, and it isn't with me.'_

"I love you too Dee. Lets go home, I'm looking forward to spiffing up a little and pulling out my table manners." Ryo's smile gelded him for a moment and it was only Drake's friendly thumping on the hood as he climbed into his own car, that brought Dee back to earth to turn the key and start the engine.

An hour later found then standing on cement steps in front of an impressive Victorian or impressive size for the heart of the city. For a moment neither detective knocked. Dee felt a bit intimidated by the situation, being dressed up and on the doorstep of strangers'… strangers who likely had some understanding of table manners. Dee had never used more then one fork, had never even touched a cloth napkin. The house was large and Dee barely noticed anything beyond that. Had the veil of his stress not been so thick, he would have noticed that it wasn't lavish; that the car parked on the street in front of their own was a ten-year-old Honda Civic. The lawn wasn't manicured; in fact it was hard to see the grass under the fall of red and orange leaves. It was a house, and it was large, but it was by now means on of New York City's palaces. 

Finally Ryo raised a fist and knocked politely. There was a moment of silence, then it was as though someone had hit play on a CD of household sounds. There was a series of sternum vibrating parks and the thunder of large paws over hardwood, the squeal of children, the low rumble of voices just under the din. It took several beats for the door to be swung open.  

The man behind it seemed impressively unfrazzled, less so then the two dumbfounded detectives standing on his front stoop anyway. The man who answered was California handsome, long blonde hair in a near ponytail, bronze toned skin, dove gray eyes. He was built like a Norse god, but the image was ruined by the blue wheel chair he sat in. He smiled up at them from his seated position, one hand keeping reign on a little girl trying to scramble off his lap, the other restraining an overzealous dog the size of a horse.

"Ah… Andrew?" Ryo managed finally after both of them had stared long enough to look like slack jawed yokels. 

"Yes, pleased to meet you, sorry I cant offer to shake, don't worry about Duke, he is as gentle as lamb, ignore his size. Duke, Sit." The gray moose sat instantly, his long tail thumping at the wooden floor rapidly, his tongue lolling out in a large doggie smile. "Come in." Still smiling the man wheeled back a few paces from the door letting the men in, finally settling the toddler in his lap. 

Dee stepped in first, giving the dog's ears a friendly scratch. "Hey their boy." He turned to Andrew then, offering a hand. "I am Dee Laytner. We met your… partner? at the precinct today."

"I'm Randy McLean, but please, call me Ryo." Ryo's hand was proffered after Dee's.

"Pleased to meet the both of you." Andrew shook each of their hands firmly. "The moose is Duke, and this squirm worm is Keiry, our oldest." Andrew's blunt hands moved as he spoke. Dee could only associate the gestures with gang signs and furrowed his brow a bit. Ryo's eyebrows shot up a little.

"Are you signing?"

"Yes, I am, Miss Keiry is Deaf." He smiled, saying it with no hesitation or sadness. The little girl smiled brightly and moved her little hands. "She signed her name… and told you she was two, and that I'm her… well she signed my name sign, but its translates as 'Daddy An'."

"That is the cutest thing I have ever seen." Ryo grinned at the little girls signing. "Can you tell her my name is Randy?" 

Dee watched the exchange from a pace away, feeling stretched. Ryo's excitement over the child was like a sliver of ice in Dee's heart, but Ryo was right, that had to be the cutest little girl on the planet. 

The strawberry blond cherub watched her daddy a moment grinning, before climbing carefully down off his lap. The dog didn't seem to mind a bit that the girl used him as a step stool, and Dee could swear the dog had used a paw to steady her once she was standing on the floor in front of him. First she toddled carefully over to Ryo, wrapping little arms around his neck and giving his cheek a sloppy kiss. Ryo positively beamed, and looked a little teary as he hugged her back gently.

"She is gorgeous, and sweet as pie." Ryo said softly, releasing her when she squirmed.

"Thank you, I wish I could take credit." Andrew laughed, releasing the Dog who padded after Keiry, like a watchful nanny. The Little girl approached Dee cautiously, standing almost toe-to-toe with him, and craning her head way back to look at him. She cocked her head to the right and blinked, then smiled sweetly and waved. Dee waved back, crouching down to eye level with her. 

"Well hey there monkey."

Keiry turned to look back to her daddy, pointing at Dee. Again Andrew spoke as his hands moved. "His name is Dee, sweetie."

She signed his name and then held up her arms, the universal sign for 'up', she certainly wasn't shy. Dee lifted her into his arms standing as Lyn rounded the corner into the living room.

"Well it looks like the party has started you guys!" Lyn laughed. "I see you have met my husband and my oldest girl. Looks like you have a friend for life Dee."  Lyn's light lilting voice sailed over them as he sauntered closer, a girl just out of her infancy on his hip. Dee would have never guessed the two girls were sisters if he didn't already know they were. The tyke clinging to her dad's dress shirt had olive skin and hair the color of jet, a total contrast to her fair haired and fair skinned big sister. 

"Hey Lyn." Ryo grinned, moving over to the lanky lawyer as Andrew rolled out of the way headed for the kitchen. "Who is this angel?"

"This is Morgaine." He grinned pronouncing it more-gain-y. "Annie for short." Lyn pronounced his daughters name with an odd twist to the word, making it sound more like 'A knee'. "She is about one and a half." 

"She is precious. Lyn your girls are beautiful." Ryo was gushing. Dee felt a stone drop on his heart. 

He blinked as he felt small, sticky fingers come to rest over his lips. He looked down at the munchkin in his arms. She grinned up at him as if to say 'glad to see I got our attention.' "What are you doing monkey?" Dee smiled a little, kissing her fingers before moving them from his mouth.

"Please, please come in you two, man I'm sorry its such a madhouse here, what a host am I that you have been standing in the door for ten minutes. Sit down…" Lyn ushered them both to the living room, gesturing to the couch. I can take Keiry, Dee, don't feel obligated to hold her, she is getting heavy."

"No, no its alright Lyn, I understand, kids are a handful, and that dog! He is like another kid!" Ryo laughed as he sat. "But Lyn…" His face became more serious and a concerned hand wrapped around his hosts wrist. "What happened to your husband?"

It was a question that took serious balls, Dee respected that, he could have never asked himself. But it was that extremely concerned tone in Ryo's voice that made it okay. 

"What? Oh you mean the chair." Lyn laughed softly, shaking his head. "Its nothing…well I mean, he isn't normally in a wheel chair like that. He was…. Queer based, almost four years ago. They did a lot of damage to his legs, he is still recovering. He was just having a bad day, and with the dog and girls still running wild, he didn't want to trip on them. I am sure he will be on his feet using his crutches by the time we sit down for dinner." Lyn's tone was light, an 'I deal with this every day' sort of nonchalance but neither detective missed the sorrow under his voice. 

"Queer bashed?" Dee asked at the same time Ryo said.

"I'm so sorry!" 

Lyn smiled, but it looked a little strained, and Ryo shot his partner a hard look. He sat down carefully laying Annie on the couch beside him to play with a stuffed animal. Folding his hands on his lap he leaned forward a little looking at both men intensely.

"Yes queer bashed. But don't be sorry… it doesn't do anyone any good. It happened a few days before thanksgiving, about five days into our official relationship. We had known each other for nearly a year before…and were sort of unofficially together… But two days after we… were intimate for the first time, he was caught alone on the street after dark. I don't know how they knew he was gay… but from what little Andrew told me they knew… there were five of them, with bats and crow bars and a hammer." Lyn shrugged. "He was in the hospital until February. He is still recovering." Lyn spoke quickly, evenly, getting the story out, no emotion, just fact. Very lawyerly. Accept that look in his eyes. 

"Only five days and you stuck with him, god Lyn, that is dedication." Dee was even impressed. He glanced down at the toddler in his lap, who was curled against his chest and sucking her thumb. 

"Lets just say I owed him, I still owe him, that's what kept me with him, but love is what made it real." Lyn smiled a little.

"Is that why you went into law?" Ryo asked softly, big brown eyes wide and sad. Dee reached over and patted his husband's knee.

"Well I had already gone to law school but its what prompted me to take the bar. But dear gods, I have been sitting her palavering for ten minutes. Don't let me bore you. I will go get some wine." Lyn was on his feet and off to the kitchen before either had time to protest. 

"Wow." Dee said quietly looking to his husband.

"No kidding. Dee… they beat him up just because he was gay? Does that happen?" Ryo knew it did in some fundamental way, had even investigated a few homicides to that effect, but it scared him, rather badly, to know this happened to real, innocent people. It was hard to imagine being anything but friendly to the big blonde man that had opened the door. 

"You know it does, baby." Dee said softly, taking Ryo's hand. "Are you glad we've came?" 

"Yeah, I am. These are good men. Let me see that little one." Ryo smiled leaning in and stroking Keiry's cheek. "Hey princess, come over to Ryo." He put his hands around her middle, lifting her from Dee's lap when she didn't fuss. Dee turned his eyes to the one on the couch. She was watching him, with eyes as wide and dark as Ryo's. Dee watched her in return. Not moving to pick her up, she seemed happy to sit and watch.

"Gay men can have kids too, Ryo."

"I'm not gay Dee. Besides you know any woman's uterus we can borrow for nine months. Do you even like kids?" 

"Yeah, I guess I do. I mean, I don't feel the same drive to procreate you seem to, but these two are pretty cute." Dee shrugged.

"Kittens are cute Dee. These are kids." Ryo replied shortly. 

"I grew up in an orphanage Ryo, do you think I've never changed a poopy diaper? Or been spit up on?" Dee tried to keep his voice even, but he felt something in the pit of his stomach, and it wasn't indigestion. Ryo had been so sharp with him about these things, these issues of commitment, what the hell? 

"I'm sorry Dee, I don't know what's wrong with me today." Ryo turned to look at his partner, catching his gaze and holding it. "I love you, baby."

"Hey, I love you too. I don't know what's wrong either but I will do what ever you need me to do for you to make things better." Dee wrapped an arm around Ryo's shoulders pulling him in for a gentle, lingering kiss. 

Each man felt a miniature hand pushing forcefully against their chest, and broke the kiss off almost unwilling, looking down at the pint sized princess who crossed her arms looking up at them in perfect drama queen fashion. 

"I think she is jealous." Ryo chuckled, kissing the girls curls.

"Are you sure you want kids." Dee teased.

"Yes just not this one." Ryo shot back with a grin, leaning in for one last quick kiss. 

"Never change baby. I love you." 

"I love you too Ryo. Always."

Authors Note: After working in tandem with Wildefyre, I am returning to the FAKE scene solo. This is a different version of how they meet Lyn and Drew, and takes a very different path then A Time For Healing. Don't Worry A Time For Healing will be putting out chapters for many months to come ^_^ . However I am making no apologize for any 'OOC'ness of our beloved FAKE folk, because if I didn't feel this is how our men would truly react to a situation, I wouldn't write it. I don't think they are OOC. No its not cannon, but if Kracken is cannon, nuts to that. I don't think people's current concept of 'cannon' is in anyway related to the reality of the manga. Am I terribly arrogant? Do you need to ask?  -_^. Bare with me folks, I promise you a treat.


	2. Dangling Conversation

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^;

Delicate

Chapter Two: 

Dangling Conversation

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~

The girls were put to bed in short order after the detectives arrived, leaving the four men to more adult talk. Even the big dog, Duke, had lain down under the table, muzzle on his paws as the grown ups sipped wine. Ryo was relieved to see that Dee did indeed have table manners.  He had been worried, but Dee held his chalice of wine with light fingers and sipped, not slurped. 

"I hope you boy's don't mind. Andrew and I eat mostly vegetarian, but we made a vegetable stir-fry with brown rice and sushi. We did make some chicken that can be added to the stir fry if either of you would like some." Lyn offered with a smile as he carefully carried in plates of salad with a light wine dressing, setting the plates in front of everybody. 

"Lyn made a very excellent apple pie as well." Andrew added, taking his salad from his husband with a smile. "Thank you, lover."

"It sounds excellent.  Where did you learn to cook Japanese?" Ryo asked, neatly folding his napkin on his lap and relaxing when he saw Dee do the same.

"Oh…" Andrew chuckled, sounding almost embarrassed. "I've studied Japanese culture since high school. It's my third language."

Dee smiled to himself as he watched Lyn carefully fold himself into the chair beside his mate's. This had potential, lots of potential. Both men were winning Ryo over fast, and Dee found himself feeling relaxed in their company. Dee usually wasn't so calculating, but he and Ryo needed friends… another couple with kids, men who were going through or had gone through the same things he and Ryo were dealing with.

"Really?" Ryo asked excitedly, breaking off in a long string of Japanese that Andrew seemed to follow impeccably, and responded to without hesitation. "That's amazing, Andrew. Do you even read kanji?"

"Yes. I'm probably not as fluent as you. You sound like a native speaker."

"Nearly. My mother was from Japan. I grew up bilingual." Ryo took a small bite of his salad.

"Oh, wow. No wonder. I'm starting to think that childhood immersion is the best way for kids to learn new languages. Lyn started, what was it, baby?  French?" Andrew turned to look at his husband, a hand disappearing under the table to rest, most likely, on Lyn's thigh.

"Yes, it was French, when I was five. Then Latin, then English." Lyn flushed a little. "But, I was home schooled, that's different."

"English is your second language?" Dee homed in on that quickly, feeling very inadequate with his Spanish fluency.

Lyn's flush deepened. "Yes. I ah, I am from Ireland, I was raised speaking Gaelic. One of the last villages in the country to still speak it natively." But there was pride under his voice despite his embarrassment at their attention.

"Really? I had wondered, the way you say some words…. But you don't really have an accent." Ryo leaned forward a little, and then jumped as his cell phone rang. "Shoot, I'm sorry, that's probably my foster son…." Ryo hopped up from the table, looking apologetic as he flipped the phone open. "Hello, Detective MacLean."

"Dad?" It was, indeed, Bikky.

"What's wrong?" Bikky almost never called Ryo 'dad', only when he was in big trouble or really scared, and usually the former to the latter. 

"Nothing, really. Its just…Cal had go home early to study for a big test, and… well… I heard gun shots earlier, and now there is a lot of cops just down the street, and I'm a little… scared." Bikky's voice was small, sans his usual bravado.

"Oh, hey, its okay, kiddo. You know what Drake and Ted and JJ look like, right?"

"Yeah. Geez, I'm a kid not a retard." The scared little boy voice that had tugged Ryo's heartstrings was gone. Ryo sighed rolling his eyes. Yes, Bikky was definitely a challenge.

"Okay, do you see any of those three down there?"

"Yeah… JJ."

"Great. Go down to JJ.  Tell him that you heard the shots, and at what time. Then, ask him to grab a taxi for you. Tell him I will pay him back tomorrow. If he whines, tell him, I'll pay him back plus interest. That work for you, sport?" 

"Yeah, great. Thanks, dad." The relief was audible in Bikky's voice. 

"No problem. See you soon. Be careful." Ryo hung up the phone slipping it back into his pocket as he returned to the table. "I am sorry, really. I hope you guys don't mind. That was Bikky… he is twelve, almost thirteen, and he got a little scared. There was a shooting just down the street. He is taking a taxi over." Ryo was blushing as he glanced to the couple that had opened their home to them.

"Hey, no problem. The more the merrier. We've got enough food for him, too." Andrew grinned.

"He's a bit of a behavior problem." Dee grumbled 'helpfully'.

"Don't worry. Andrew has a lot of nieces and nephews in that age range. We can handle him." Lyn smiled touching Ryo's shoulder lightly. Dee wasn't surprised that Ryo flinched slightly at the touch. After all, being gay was catching. And we all know Ryo wasn't gay. 

Lyn got up to get another place setting, but Andrew's hand on his thigh stopped him. "Hey, baby. You've been running around all afternoon. Sit down and drink your wine. I can manage another place setting." 

"All right, sweetheart, if you're sure." The love in Lyn's eyes was utterly unmistakable as he gazed up to his husband who kissed him softly before picking up a crutch and limping to the kitchen. 

"You two are really good together." Dee smiled. "I mean, you really work as a team." Ryo nodded his agreement.

"There is a lot of love between you two."

Lyn's laughter was warm and relaxed as he slouched in his seat a little taking another sip of his wine. "I'm sure our team work has nothing on you two. You two must be team incarnate, partners and all. But yeah, I do love him. So much it hurts sometimes. We've been through a lot, and its true what they say; you either stand together… or fall apart. And we did a lot of the latter before we figured out the former. Andrew was less then a year out of the hospital when we had our ceremony. But by then we knew… I mean, there is little we _hadn't _gone through… or so we thought, of course. Then we had kids."

"So you had kids… with each other?" Ryo look confused. For once Dee was the one wanting to shout 'baka', but Lyn's smile was patient as Andrew reentered the dinning room, setting another place for Bikky.

"Well… 'had' might be too liberal a word. Male pregnancy is still only in movies and really crazy yaoi. Maybe it would be better to say… we acquired them?" Andrew laughed.

"Or procured?" Lyn suggested also laughing. 

"I'm sorry, I must sound so stupid… it's just… I thought they were Andrews… from a previous relationship…" Ryo blushed furiously and Dee patted his back comfortingly.

"Forgive my partner. He is a little new to…" to what? Being gay?  No, that would get him in trouble. To the gay community?  "To… the idea of homoerotic relationships."

"I'm not gay." Ryo said quickly. There was an awkward silence as their hosts exchanged looks. 

"Um…?" Andrew sat down again a small frown on his face. "Then what are you, honey?" Dee wasn't sure he likedr other men calling his honey, honey. 

"I'm straight, mostly, I guess. I mean… I love Dee… and I like…when Dee…um…er…"

"Makes love with you?" Dee suggested.

"Makes love to me. But… I just… happened to fall in love with a man. That's all. I love his soul, the rest is just wrapping." Ryo stuttered, looking down into his wine.

"Ryo… None of us can tell you… what you are. But… I do think those words might hurt your koibito quite a lot." Andrew said softly, leaning forward to catch Ryo's eye. Lyn's hand was splayed on Andrew's back, but his eyes were on Dee, giving him a very sympathetic…and understanding, look. 

"Hey… it's not like that. I love Dee." Ryo said it again, circular logic. "And Dee understands, right?" Ryo looked to Dee.

Dee's jaw worked a moment… what could he say? The doorbell rang and everyone jumped, including Duke, who raced for the door, but didn't bark. He seemed to know the girls were asleep. 

"I'll get it!'' Dee called leaping from his seat and following on the heels of the dog, who, after sniffing at the doorjamb sat dawn on his haunches patiently. __

_Damn smart dog_ Dee thought to himself as he pulled the door open for Bikky who was waiting on the front stoop.

"Hey, bozo! Whoa! Who's the dog? He is _huge_, I'm gonna ask Ryo if I can have a dog like that. Damn." Bikky sauntered in like he owned the place. "Whose place is this anyway?" 

"Slow down, sport. Take your shoes and your hat off, and please, try and act like a gentleman." Dee said a restraining hand on his not-exactly-a-foster-son's shoulder. 

"Why? Where are we? And like you know how to act like a gentleman?" Dee was saved from answering as Lyn came over to them, kneeling down in front of Bikky, tall enough that even on his knees he was eye to eye with the preteen. 

"Hello Bikky, my name is Lyn, and this is my house. The reason you are to act like a gentleman, is because we're having a dinner party, which is more fun when everyone behaves very politely, and secondly, it is always good to be on your very best manners in someone else's house." Lyn spoke in a gentle voice, one that was neither condescending, nor commanding, as he held out his hand to shake.

"Nuts to manners. I'm from the 'hood." Bikky announce proudly, ignoring Lyn's outstretched hand. Lyn's small smile didn't falter. 

"Well, that's very nice, Bikky-from-the-hood. But unless you want to _always_ be a street punk, and have people treat you like a child, you will learn manners, because it is what makes little boys men." Lyn's voice was still soft. In the dinning room Ryo started to get to his feet, opening his mouth to interrupt. Andrew's big hand came down on his shoulder. He could already hear the objections Ryo was forming. _'He is just a boy' _or _'Bikky, behave'_ or, the worst, _'he is my son I will reprimand him how I see fit'. _ Andrew leaned close to his new acquaintance speaking softly.

"I know it's hard to see others educate your child. You may feel embarrassed that you've not taught him this sooner. But it takes a village to raise a child, in a very literal way. Give my husband a chance, but please, please do not say anything. Lyn has a very strict idea of hospitality. In Ireland, a misstep in hospitality used to mean death. Wait, and trust, please." 

Ryo twitched under Andrew's hand. Andrew knew how hard this was. He had watched many times when they had last visited Lyn's family on the emerald isle, as others taught his own children, sometimes with a firm hand. But Andrew had also seen how incredibly brilliant and well behaved the other children of the village were.

"Andrew, he _is_ my son."

"Yes, and Lyn's words will not change that. Sometimes words need to come from others before the child takes them to heart. Your man is right there. If he felt Lyn was out of line, he would say so." Andrew's voice was yet a whisper. Finally Ryo subsided fully, watching this strange exchange between Lyn and his son. 

"Really?" Bikky didn't sound convinced, he looked up at Dee. "Is that true, Dee? You don't have any damn manners."

"Dee knew enough to shake my hand when it was offered, and give his name." Lyn too looked up to Dee.

"Its true, kid. I do have some manners."

Bikky was slowly starting to blush at all the eyes on him. Never had the boundaries on his behavior been set so immediately, and so plainly… and so publicly. "Oh… alright." Bikky stuck out his hand and took the hand Lyn still held out to him in offering. "Pleased to meet you.  I'm Bikky Goldman." Bikky suddenly felt sorely intimidated. The man's grip was firm, and on his knees he was eye to eye with Bikky.

"Hello, Bikky Goldman. My name is Merlyn Doren. I am pleased to meet you as well. Welcome to my home." Lyn's smile widened. "I am very pleased to have you here.  My dog there is Duke and he loves to play, but please play quietly. I have two very young girls asleep upstairs."

"Okay. Thanks, Mr. Doren."

"You are very welcome, Mr. Goldman. Enjoy yourself. If there is anything you need or want to know, just ask. Now, go greet your father." Lyn clapped the boy on the shoulder and sent him over to his foster father who sat in absolute stunned silence. He had never heard Bikky call anyone 'Mr.' before, except for teachers, and even that was iffy. The preteen trotted over to Ryo, a hand on the head of Duke as he trotted beside him.

"Hey, dad. I talked to JJ, and he said that it was fine, not to worry about the money." Bikky spoke in an even, restrained tone. Very polite and calm, and not at all his usual manner. 

"Good job, Bikky." Ryo smoothed his son's hair, still astonished. "Bikky… I am very proud of you. You sound very grown up this evening. It's very nice."

Bikky shuffled awkwardly. If he had been on Leave it to Beaver, he would have said 'aw shucks pa' but instead he glanced at his dad shyly offering a small smile.

"Thanks. Can I go play with Duke now? This house is huge, and I don't think Mr. Doren would mind if I explore…."

Ryo looked to Andrew. "Ah, well…"

"Hello, Bikky, my name is Andrew Darling. I am Lyn's husband.  You can explore to your hearts content, but the girls are sleeping upstairs so be extra quiet. I trust you are grown up enough that I need not give you any other warnings or chastisement?" 

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Darling." Bikky stuck out his hand. "You can trust me."

"I'm sure I can." Andrew shook the boys hand and gave Duke's head a pat. "Go on, now." The boy ran off amiably enough as Dee and Lyn returned to the table. 

"Lyn… I want to apologize…" Ryo said softly, looking down at his wine for what felt like about the fifth time tonight. "I should have taught him those things a long time ago."

"Ryo, please don't be embarrassed, I beg you. This was no reprimand to you or your son. Bikky is a good boy, I can see that already, but he is full of energy…. piss and vinegar as my mother would have said. He needs boundaries set up fast and firm. I am sorry that this was awkward from you; I hope Andrew explained my actions a little. I often upset others when I try and correct their children. Its not at all because I think you are in anyway lacking as a parent. If you were he would have not responded as quickly to me as he did. Sometimes, it hits home more if we hear it from others." Lyn patted Ryo's hand at the table, and Dee was very relived to see that Ryo didn't snatch his hand away. His smile was beautiful in his relief.

"Then, thank you, Lyn. Thank you very much. That boy would be a handful for two parents, who had always had him. It's only me, and Dee, and neither of us have known him more than two years."

"You are most welcome, Ryo, Most welcome."

The most awkward moments of the evening passed, leaving the men in easy conversation. Dee relaxed as the conversation turned to various subjects.   Local politics was easy enough. Global politics…Dee found more of a struggle, before the discussion moved on to children. Through out their talk they didn't hear a peep from Bikky, except for one loud bang from upstairs. Everyone tensed for a moment, but when there was no call for help, no yelp from the dog, or a peep from the sleeping girls, they settled in again.

"I think, if we're ready, I will serve dinner." Andrew offered.

            "

Thank you, love, I was starting to worry my stomach would drown out conversation." Lyn laughed. "Dee? Ryo? Would one of you like to come with me to hunt down your son, and my dog?" Ryo stood quickly, still feeling shifty about the earlier interaction with his son.

"Sure, I would love to see the rest of your house as well." 

"Wonderful." 

They retrieved the boy, who had done nothing worse then accidentally knock a large book from a high shelf. When they returned to the dinner table, Andrew had arranged each plate with the rice, stir fry, and sushi, Bikky's as well. Duke's bowl was ready and waiting for him in the kitchen.

"I don't know how your family feels about prayer…" Lyn hedged. "We're not Christian, but if any of you would like to pray…."

Bikky and Ryo both looked to Dee, the only one of them who had a strong preference on faith. It was Dee's turn to feel a bit awkward.

"I was raised by nuns… I always pray before meals, but I wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable." 

"Not at all." Lyn smiled and immediately held out his hands to Andrew on one side and Bikky on the other. Andrew and Dee followed suit, apparently knowing the drill, leaving Bikky and Ryo the slow comers to the ritual. "Would you like to say the word, Dee? I know them as well."  
            

"Ah… I got it. Dear Father, thank you for this food, which we are about to receive. Thank you for another day on the job without injury. Thank you for putting Lyn and his family in our path in our time of need. And thank you, God, that they can both cook. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the holy ghost, Amen."  Dee, Andrew and Lyn all crossed themselves.

"Hey, what was that?" Bikky asked watching the three, glancing to his dad. 

"What? Crossing myself?" Dee asked, repeating the gesture.

"Yeah, how do you do that?" 

Dee showed him, slower this time, saying as he did "spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. Or at least that's how I remember the order. I'm sure Penguin would crucify me though if she knew that." Dee laughed. 

Ryo couldn't believe how smoothly dinner went. Despite having raw fish on his plate Bikky tried a bit politely, and without complaint, though he didn't finish the small roll. Ryo was impressed he tried it at all, and that when he did he didn't just spit it right back out. Bikky also cleared his plate of the vegetables, chicken and rice, despite it being 'rabbit food'. There was no complaining, no protest, though no request for seconds either. Whether it was in indulgence or reward, Lyn had let the boy have an extra large piece of pie, and a cup of coffee, when Bikky requested it, wanting to be like the adults. 

Dee was also impressed with Bikky's sudden impeccable manners. Dee knew the boy had never been taught any of these things, not really. Ryo tried, but Bikky certainly had never listened. But something about the way Lyn and Andrew conducted themselves, and treat Bikky, like an adult, as though the expected his behavior to be top notch and would be very shocked and surprised if it were anything else. Bikky didn't disappoint. But Dee's eyes were mostly for Ryo, in part because as the man relaxed, he became more and more handsome in the dim, gentle light of candles and dimmed over head lights, and also because he seemed to open himself up so very quickly to their new found friends, and Dee had no doubt they were indeed friends. Ryo seemed to enjoy Lyn's frequent, and gentle teasing, his quick wit, and appreciate Andrew's s extremely subtle humor, and calm manner. Dee himself released a metaphorical breath that he hadn't remembered drawing and holding that morning, the reservations and doubts about Ryo's sudden adamancy against long term commitment melting away to small puddles as he seemed more at ease with this gay couple. It had just been a bad day… Ryo was just having a tough day; it would all be okay tomorrow.

Author's Note: Wow, these chapters are just shooting out! Thank god for Perkins or I would never get anything done ^_^ .  There was a little question about how Ryo can claim to be not gay and also love Dee. Well that's kind of the point… that it's a paradox. And that it hurts Dee. That is the point. Anyway. Any of you who want to hear the song this fic is named after (it's a really phenomenal song) drop me a line. gypsysenigma@aol.com, or gypsysenigma on AOL, IrishLaFey@hotmail.com for MSN, and Gabe_Dewinter on yahoo. Review if you would, reviews feed the muses. Don't be afraid to tell me what you don't like, I'm tough and always appreciate a good _constructive_ criticism.  


	3. Suddenly Alone

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^;

Delicate

Chapter Three:

 Suddenly Alone

Dee sat on Ryo's bed untying his shoes as Ryo loosened his tie, leaning back against the wall.  "Did you have a good time, baby?"

"Yes. That was the most fun I've had in long time. I can't believe Bikky was so well behaved. Seriously, I've never seen him like that." Ryo replied with a smile as he carefully curled his tie around his hand.

"Amazing. Lyn seems to really get Bikky…"

"I don't think its just Bikky. I think he has an understanding of human nature, in a good way. You know what I mean?" Ryo's brow furrowed a bit in thought as he hung his tie in his wardrobe and started to work on his shirt.

"Yeah. I think he sees the best in people and knows how to bring it out… but, baby…" Dee trailed off, looking down in full concentration at his own shirt buttons as he worked them, feeling tense and insecure. 

"Hmmm?'' Ryo asked, a bit oblivious as he removed his belt and hung that in his wardrobe as well.

"Can we talk…?" 

"Of course. About what?" Ryo still hadn't seemed to catch the tone in Dee's voice. Dee tossed his shirt into the corner. He rolled off his socks and tossed them after before flopping back on the bed. His hand rubbed over his chest in an essentially masculine way, but it was a self-comforting, self-touching behavior. 

"I…. I don't know.  I mean, I know, but… I'm not sure how to say it.'' Dee sighed. Ryo had shucked his pants and now crawled onto the bed, over Dee's legs, so that he was on all fours over him. 

"Just say it, baby. How bad can it be?"

"I can't. If I do you'll stop listening. You don't want to hear anything about what's bothering me."

"Dee, how can you say that?  I do want to hear what's bothering you, koi. I care for you. How can you say that?" Ryo frowned deeply; hurt that Dee was implying he didn't care.

"You've made it very clear this subject is off limits."

"About me being gay, you mean." Ryo's tone had shifted; his concern and hurt, the gentleness in his voice, deadened into a hard aural boundary. 

"Point and case. I haven't even said what is on my mind and you've already made it clear by your voice and body language that you aren't open to what I have to say. When you see me Ryo, you see me. True. But you have this blind spot, this huge blind spot that lay's just over my heart. You see everything about me but what relates to you."

Ryo shifted and sat down on the mattress, sliding back until he was leaning on the headboard, long, bare legs crossed at the ankles. "Well, then, say your piece, Dee."

"Ryo…. You aren't listening…. I'm not doing this to be confrontational or tell you how you should be. You asked what's wrong, and I am…" Dee paused struggling a bit. He had a hard time putting words to his emotions, feelings and impulses. "I am… having emotions, feelings, negative ones around the situation."

"Because you don't like what I have to say." Ryo shot back crossing his arms over his chest.

"No! Damn it, Ryo… its not like I care what words you use to describe yourself.  It's not just you refusing to be labeled. I could deal with that… it's other things you say…. You say 'I love you' but then turn around and say things like 'I want to be married, and have children.'" Dee's hands covered his face in hurt and frustration, and not a little anger.

"That's what I want, Dee! I want to be married, have children, and live in a home with a picket fence and a dog, damn it! That's what I want!" Ryo shouted under his breath.

"So, where the hell does that leave me, Ryo? Where does it leave me? Who can't bear your children? Who can't legally marry you? What does that mean for me?"

Ryo stopped, frozen, his mouth half open. He hadn't thought about it… what that meant for Dee, if he wanted a traditional family. "Dee… I don't know." He said softly, swallowing a little.

"I know you don't. I know you don't know. Do you understand why that hurts me? Ryo… I love you. Do you understand that you are only the third person in my life I have loved? Only the second to whom I have ever, ever said that?  I am devoted to you, one hundred percent, forever. Do you get that?" Dee didn't dare take his hands from his face. He wasn't crying yet, but it was close.

"Don't lay that on me, Dee. I'm sorry that this isn't what you want, but I'm not responsible for that. I'm not responsible for your happiness." Ryo's voice was steady, stoic.

"Don't lie to yourself, Ryo. You knew exactly the depth of my feeling for you. That's why you couldn't look me in the eyes. Why you still can't." 

"What the hell do you want me to do about it?"

"Don't break my heart.''

"Dee…" Ryo's voice was pleading, but Dee could find no sympathy. "I love you…. do you believe that?"

"Yeah, Ryo, I believe it. I know you love me but … I'm not sure that you're in love with me." Dee's voice was muffled behind his hands. Ryo slowly crawled over to him, lying down along side of him, so that his lips were against Dee's ear, a hand sprawled over his chest. 

"Dee…. baby, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I love you. I don't know how to deal with this… I just don't. I know I love you.  I know I desire you.  I love when we make love. You make me feel good; you make me hot. But… part of me… part of me hurts, too, because… this isn't what I expected. I want children, so badly, Dee." 

Dee was silent for a long time, his hands not moving even as his flesh quivered from the warm breath on his neck and ear, the whisper of Ryo's lips there. "Ryo…because I love you, more than my own happiness…. I'll stay with you… stand at your side…love you in the way you need, and take what little crumbs you'll give me." He finally whispered. "Now, please… don't say anything else. I can't hear any more, because it won't be the words I want."

"Alright, handsome. I do love you. Come here." Ryo's fingers pried gently at Dee's hands, pulling them from his face slowly, before gathering him close. After a moment of resistance, Dee went into his lover's arms, pressing his face at the junction of his neck and shoulder. His arms came around Ryo and held him tightly, almost so tightly Ryo couldn't breath.

"I love you, Ryo. I love your son and I want to have children with you. I know that's not what you want…. but… just keep it in mind." 

"I will. Come on; let's get under the covers. It'll be better in the morning."

With a tired nod, Dee shimmied from his pants and crawled to the top of the bed and under the covers. He turned his face to the wall, trying to relax as Ryo's arms came around him, and steeled himself for the future. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryo sat on his 'balcony' over looking the street. His balcony, like most in New York, was an old, rusting fire escape. It was mid October and the sun set around five in the afternoon. He would have to start dinner soon, but for the moment the sun hung over the city painting it fire. The air had a bite to it. He wasn't entirely warm even in a turtleneck and a sweater. He had drug a floor pillow outside to protect his ass from the bite of the wrought iron. He sat on the pillow, with his back against the slender poles that formed the safety rail. He had one double-socked foot tucked under him. The other foot propped up his knee, which served as a podium for a leather-bound journal that looked worn enough to have belonged to Hemmingway. 

On the left hand page he had etched out the small tree that stood bravely on the sidewalk, including the fence around it meant to protect it from vandals. Under it he had scrawled the only think he could think of: 'A Tree Grows In Brooklyn'.  He had no idea what the story was about, but he seemed to recall that it started with a little girl, sitting on her fire escape… or was that another 20th century classic? 

Without the benefit of the plotline, Ryo had drawn a few conclusions about what it could mean, and why it came to mind. Brooklyn wasn't exactly a tree friendly area… and this brave tree stood proudly anyway. 

The pen had not stopped after it's drawing and labeling. It had moved over to the right page and continued, as the sun slowly took the city in relief, turning it into a silhouette, a shadowbox. 

_When my parents died…I came back to religion. I was raised a Methodist (don't ask me what that is or how that differs from any other protestant religion…all I can tell you is that it is a reaction to Calvinism) and taught some odd combination of Christian mythos and Buddhist practice.  After my parents died, I turned to the New Testament god again. I wanted him to take it back; take back what he did to my parents, say it was all some glitch in paper work and that my parents would be mailed back to me in six to eight weeks. There was this desperation in me…as though my world would literally end if they were not returned to me. I remember this: I wrote about it. I prayed about it. I gave the eulogy at my parent's funeral. Weeks slowly slid by… with me in this haze… this painful black-red haze…as I had to keep moving, keep going on with my life. I still had to go to school, had to pay bills, had to eat and do homework. I realized that God didn't really care about my pain, or if he did… he had no answer for it. 'If my son had to suffer, why should I spare you?'  That fever-blaze of faith, like tissue paper tossed into a fire, burned itself out (then again, I'm not sure how you can be a fiery Methodist…. It's a pretty bland sect). As my fervor died, so did my belief. If Jesus loved me, where the hell were my parents…? _

_But it's that feeling, that desperation of wanting god or whatever, to take it back, to make it stop, to just change things, now, for my benefit that I feel again. _

_I love Dee. I love him deeply.  I want God to take it back, damn it. And I don't. I want god to make Dee a woman. Why did I have to fall in love with man… and why do I have to want him so damn bad? Because I DO want him… and I want that part of his anatomy that makes him a man. _

_No, no being subtle. I love having sex with Dee. I love it when he puts his dick in me. I love sucking on him. I love when he rubs himself against me. It feels so damn good… so much better than anything I had ever had with a woman. The last woman I was with… we fooled around a little… I feel bad now; I don't think I ever really pleased her sexually. I didn't like feeling her down there…all that hair and wetness. We made love once. I broke up with her the next day. I've never had good sex with a woman.  I've had sex a grand total of five times before Dee. Never once did it feel like it does with him._

_But I'm NOT gay. I'm not. I want children… a wife…. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I being like this? Damn it! I want God to take it back!_

_What Dee said last night… that he loves me enough to put his own happiness aside… it almost made me cry. I love him… but I don't want to… god, he doesn't deserve this… but I can't change who I am… how I feel… why doesn't he understand that? I'm not gay… I just… love him._

Ryo wiped a tear from his eye, feeling it cold on the knuckle of his hand. He realized his jaw was clenched tightly against tears that he had been unaware of until this moment. He closed the leather bound book and hugged it to his chest, bowing his head as he tried to regain control.

"Dad?" Bikky asked softly. He was hungry, and had gone to ask Ryo about dinner. He had been standing just to Ryo's left for several minutes now, watching his dad's expression change from anger, to tears, to anger and back again.

"Christ!" Ryo jumped, and then dropped his head again, hiding his tears behind his hair. "Bikky, I'll come inside in a moment."

"Dad… what's wrong?" there was a metallic thunk as Bikky dropped to his knees besides Ryo. He crawled over to sit next to his dad on the floor pillow and put an arm around his foster fathers shoulders.      

"Bikky, its nothing, sport. Okay?"

"No, not okay. Was it Dee? Did that asshole hurt you? I'll kill him!"  Bikky said furiously.

"No, Bikky, it's nothing like that. Hey, kiddo." Ryo set his journal aside, with a sniffle, wiping at his eyes before looking at his son. "Have I told you lately what a good kid you are and how happy I am to be your guardian?"

"Aw, crap, Ryo. Don't say shi-stuff like that. You're getting all weepy, and it's disgusting." Bikky muttered.

"Sorry, Bikky. You're stuck with me." Ryo reached out and hugged the boy close to him. Bikky, not one for physical affection stiffened a moment, before hugging Ryo back.

"Listen…Ryo… since we're being sappy, and you seem to want that or something… I'm glad you are my guardian. I took more care of my dad than he took care of me. Its good to… be a kid." 

Slowly Ryo released the boy.  He sat back, leaning into the corner of the railing and offered Bikky a small smile. "Anything on your mind, sport? How did you feel about what Lyn said to you last night?"

"Damn it, not these stupid 'feeling' questions." Bikky grumbled as he turned to face Ryo, crossing his legs. Ryo had no idea why the boy wasn't cold in only his shorts and tee shirt. "Fine… it was really weird, to be talked to that way… You don't talk to me like that, and Dee sure as hell doesn't… and he called me Mr. Goldman the whole night. What the hell was that about?"

"Well…" Ryo chuckled a little. Bikky had such a way with words… "I think it's called respect Bikky. He was making you call him by his last name, and he did you the honor of treating you as an equal by addressing you formally as well."

"Ryo…can I tell you the truth?"

"Always, Bikky. You can always tell me the truth, no matter what, and I won't be angry." 

"I've never _wanted_ to be good like that before. I mean, I want to keep you from getting mad at me…. but… it's more like not wanting to get caught. With Lyn I wanted to be on my best behavior, not because I would get in trouble but… I don't know." Bikky trailed off, looking everywhere but Ryo.

"How do you feel about it today?" Ryo asked gently, watching the boy who, no matter what the documentation said, was his son.

"I don't know. I feel different. What he said… about me always being a street punk… and not being taken seriously… is that true?"

"Well… I suppose. Did you know it actually took me less time then Dee to get promoted to Detective?  And I'm looking at another promotion in a year…tops.  Dee will be lucky to ever make it past Detective… because people don't take him seriously." Ryo said slowly, watching Bikky carefully.

"Really? But Dee is really tough… and dad… you're kind of a cream puff."

"I'm not a cream puff on the job… and yes… Dee is tough… but he is also very rough around the edges. I would imagine, that without conscious effort on your part, you would be just like Dee when you grow up. Which is not at all a bad thing. Dee is a very good man with very strong morals. But, yes, it might mean you wouldn't be taken seriously. You are also black-"

"Half."

"Half or whole, you aren't white, Bik, and in this world… that means you're going to have to fight harder for people's respect." Ryo said softly.

"You aren't white. You do fine.'' Bikky said with a frown.

"I look white. That's all that matters. I know it really sucks. I hate to have to say any of this but it's the truth. One on one… people are beautiful, wonderful, ingenious creatures. En mass… they are-"

"Dumb panicky animals?" Bikky offered helpfully, having seen MiB the other day.

"Precisely. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, dad… it does. So what Mr. Doren told me last night, and what you are telling me right now… is that I need to work harder, and be conscious of my actions and words… to be taken seriously, so I can do what I want when I'm an adult… and don't get held back and overlooked." Bikky said slowly, watching Ryo's face carefully, to make sure he hadn't missed anything.

"That's exactly it, Bikky." Ryo reached out and ruffled Bikky's hair. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Pizza?"

"Ennhh!" Ryo made a sound like a game show buzzer. "Thanks for playing! Try again."

"Nachos?" Bikky asked with a smile, teasing his dad.

"Ennhh! Try again. You can still win the consolation toaster oven."

Spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic bread?"

"Bing! Bing! Bing! Now, for the bonus question. You will have to eat one full serving of this food. What is it?"

"Cookies?"

"Ennhh!"

"Salad?" 

"And the crowd goes wild! Bikky wins the toaster oven and a serving of dessert!" Ryo announced grabbing Bikky's hand and holding it in the air.

"Oh, cut it out, Ryo! You are so nuts." 

"Randy 'Nuts' MacLean. That's me." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dee stood in a panel of orange fire that flooded in through window, an easel in front of him. Under his bare feet the rough texture of the canvas drop cloth protected his hardwood floor. Dido played throughout his apartment as he kept the beat with his foot and the occasional dance step.  He sang along, his soothing baritone blending with Dido's midrange soprano. 

"With one light on, in one room, I know you're up, when I get home, with one small step, upon the stair… if you are a king up there on your throne would you be wise enough to let me go…" he sung softly, right hand cradling his palette, left moving the brush over the canvas. His dark hair was hidden under a red bandana, which kept the hair from his eyes and the paint from his hair. The jeans he wore were probably five years old at least, and showed their age. A back pocket barely hung on. There were holes over each knee, a ragged slit on his thigh from a box cutter incident… not to mention the layers and layers of paint. He wore no shirt. 

Making up some excuse, he had gone home this morning from Ryo's, not even waiting for breakfast. He needed time to cope, to shore up his walls; to repair those wounded places with duct tape and caulking. The sinking feeling that started yesterday had not gone away. Ryo would leave him. Not today…probably not tomorrow… but unless Ryo dealt with who he was and who he loved…he would leave and take the precocious boy that was nearly a son to Dee with him. 

'_This is why you don't put your heart out there, Laytner._'  A voice inside him said. _'You should have learned your lesson from Jess. If you let yourself love and be loved, it's just a weak spot for someone to jab a knife into… and jab it deep.'_

Dee shook his head, mixing two colors on his palette before applying the brush to the canvas. Blue and blue. 

"Laytner's Blue Period." He muttered. "Hell if I'm cutting off my ear though." He switched brushes, dropping the first in an inky jar of water. The background of the picture was a deep blue and black, one color melding into the next to form a seamless sky.  The front door and steps could only be that of a church. The wooden door was arched with heavy stonework holding it in place. He could have made it real… but his choice of colors made it surreal.  He picked up a smaller and more delicate brush… brown with a little blue… and started the spidery lines of a leafless tree. 

He had been on his feet for almost three hours now as he worked. The same five disks turned over and over on his stereo. It put him in another place… a different 'head space'. Time had died quietly. 

Dee barely noticed as his bare foot landed in a splotch of dripped paint, painting the sole of his foot blue. The tree formed itself in front and slightly to the right of the church… alone.  Another mix of colors and in the heavy night the door of the church stood open a crack. A new paintbrush, a new color stood out on his palate. Yellow light flooded from the door in a wedge of brave color… that didn't quite reach the lone, bare tree. Dee stepped back, with a sigh. It was done. One more stroke, one less, and it would have been lost, but years of practice had taught him when to stop. His emotions now trapped on the canvas. A still frame in time of his life was coated in paint and left to dry  

With a plink, the last brush was dropped into the water. Dee stood with hands on his hips for a moment, just watching the paint dry. A new song came on and he sung along softly. He took a step off the drop cloth, hips swaying to the beat… scuff step, scuff. He moved across his bedroom, shoulders and hips giving the sound a visual. He stood on the braided rug in the bathroom and pulled the can of paint thinner from under the sink. He turned on the faucet before pouring a small amount of the chemical into his palm. The chemical odor was almost over powering. He scrubbed his hands together, picking at the paint. Blue and Blue. Laytner's Blue Period. 

The paint faded as he rinsed his hands under the aching cold water, washing off the thinner. Once clean he dried his hands carefully which were red and raw from the cold and scrubbing. Scuff step step, scuff step step… he danced out from the bathroom, hips swaying. He unbuttoned his jeans, the zipper's rasp lost to Dido. He let them drop from his hips, standing naked a moment. He then ran his hands over his chest, scratching absently, before bending and draping the jeans over the back of a chair. 

He opened a drawer in his bureau, dragging out a pair of what Ryo called 'yoga pants'.  The sweat pants, that were tight in some places, loose in others, allowed the freedom of movement needed for yoga. He drew them on over his nakedness, before pulling out a white undershirt and donned that as well. He sauntered in a slow dreamy way, his body not lifted from the timeless headspace he had occupied as he painted. Clumsy red hands and tired eyes found his guitar. He lifted it from its cradle, carrying it out to the living room, which would soon be entirely lost to shadow. He sat on the rug, folding his legs pretzel style with the curvy wooden body cradled on his lap. He didn't make any motion to play. His hands stroked the guitars curves as he held it in his arms. 

Dido crooned to him and he let her, his fingers not ready to take up the strings. He had no idea what to sing. So he sat, quiet and alone, except for Dido. 

The stereo system next to him clicked and whirred as it started to change CD's. Dee leaned over and flicked it off, suddenly sick of the crooning of hormonal women. The hum of the electronic silenced, he felt suddenly deaf. He plucked a string lightly, listening to it reverberate. He plucked another, then a third. The tones sounded true. He sighed, shifting a little again. The guitar was a familiar weight in his hands. He let the tune come to him first, playing the refrain of the song through … once…twice… the third time he felt ready to add his voice to the melody.

"We might kiss… when we're alone. Nobodies watching, I might take you home…we might make out, when nobodies there… Its not there we're scared, it's just that it's delicate." Dee's voice filled the apartment, in his mind, this had been their song unbeknownst to Ryo. 

"So why do you fill my sorrow, with the words you've borrowed from the only place you've known? And why do you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to you? Why do you sing with me at all…" He took a deep breath before launching into the next verse as he felt the sting of tears in his eyes.

"We might live…like never before. There's nothing to give, but how can we ask for more. We might make love… in some sacred place. The look on your face… its delicate." His voice broke; he swallowed again, managing to continue.

"So why do you fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed. From the only place that you've known. And why do you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to you. Why do you sing with me at all?" Another deep breathe, his voice crescendo, his pain flooding out in his voice, cracking over the louder notes.

"Why do you fill my sorrow, with the words you've borrowed, from the only place you've known? And why do you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to you…" His words trailed off, tears muting his voice to a whisper as he hit the last line. 

"Why do you sing with me at all?"  He stopped, not playing the last few cords. He bowed his head over the guitar, inhaling deeply and slowly, trying to regain his control. He hated to cry. He hated to let anyone see him weak and vulnerable.  There was something so pathetic, so heart wrenching, about crying alone, no one to know or see, no witness to his pain and humanity. Mother Mary Lane had never once seen him cry; but he had.  He had cried alone in the silent dead night. Just like now. Alone in the dark, just him and God.

Authors note: Maybe I should just buy stock in Perkins. The Song Dee sings is the title track of the story 'Delicate' by Damien Rice. The Dido album is 'No Angel'. If any of you want the scores, just let me know, I would be happy to provide. Uber thanks to Jexia, my sounding board and intellectual conversation, and DJBrown, for betaing my sorry ass, and all the support and excitement to see my new work. You two rock my world!


	4. Weary

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^; 

Delicate

Chapter Four:

Weary

By: Irish

Dee massaged the back of his neck as he drove. It had been a long hard day… there seemed to be a lot of those lately… maybe it was the drawing of winter that took the color from his world… or maybe it was something else.

He glanced over to his right, where his partner sat, organizing notes from the last scene of the day. 

"That was brutal… same MO… I hate to say it, but I think you were right, Dee… looks like a serial. Rose wants to bring in a profiler…but the chief told him we could handle it. That's okay with me.  I was profiler trained. I think we can handle this." Ryo nodded confidently.

"So was I." Dee said softly, eyes not leaving the road.

"So were you… what?" Ryo looked up from his papers.

"Profiler trained…didn't get a position though… not well enough educated… and my instructor and I disagreed on the fundamentals of the case. That's fine; too prestigious a position for me anyway. The training is useful though." Dee shrugged. 

"I didn't know you had been trained…" Ryo flashed him a smile, which faded slowly as he reached over and laid a hand on Dee's thigh. "Something wrong, baby? You've been really quiet today."

"Yeah, I didn't sleep great last night. That's all, probably." The truth was, he hadn't slept at all. He had gone out drinking until one in the morning and then spent the last five hours of the night drinking coffee, trying to get sober. He had hit the hangover stage around lunch.

"I'm sorry, baby. Are you coming over tonight? We'll have a quiet dinner, go to bed early…" Ryo offered, hand rubbing Dee's thigh.

"Sure. Sounds great, babe." Dee found a smile; Ryo's concern over his welfare a balm to his bruised heart.  "What are we having?"

"I haven't decided yet. What would you like? You name it." 

Dee relaxed in the drivers seat a little, his cocky self-assurance coming back to him as they pulled into the parking lot of the precinct. "How about Chili? That work? I can help cook."

"Sounds good. That is one of Bikky's favorites, too. He really looks up to you, you know?"

"That's his poor taste." Dee shrugged, parking. "Lets get showered and get the hell out of Dodge.  I feel like I've been rolling in crime scene."

"We practically have been." Ryo agreed, sniffing at his underarm. "Yuck. They need to make police strength deodorant."

"Which brand is it that gets the fire fighters to advertise for them?" Dee asked, shuddering as he ran a hand through his hair and encountered a drop of moisture. The moisture was probably nothing more than water from an overhang… but he couldn't help but imagine blood.

"I can't remember, only that the container is red… but this Sure, sure isn't working." Ryo grumbled. 

"Don't worry.  Old Spice isn't doing much better. I can't smell you yet, so it's not that bad." Dee teased, a hand resting between Ryo's shoulder blades.  "Besides, I always thought it was pretty dumb for people to get worked up over sweat." Dee leaned in and sniffed lightly at Ryo's neck. "Just smells like a whole lot of you to me."

"That's gross, Dee." Ryo swatted at him. 

"Fact of being a mammal, baby. We smell." Dee laughed. "Not that I mind when you smell like aftershave and deodorant either. It's one of the things that's so sexy about men… we sweat."

"You are so weird." Ryo shook his head but he was laughing, too, as he pushed through the doors of the precinct, moving through the bullpen to the locker room. 

Their lockers were right next to each other. In fact, in the old precinct they had shared one. It was a little intimacy Dee had loved. For whatever reason, their neighboring lockers in the new building had doors that opened into each other. This, too, Dee found intimate. It sounded ridiculous, even to himself, but it took a certain amount of teamwork to access their lockers at the same time, without having someone lose an arm to the accidental slamming of a locker door. Dee moved carefully as he opened his door, resting it lightly against Ryo's. He watched his lover through the metal slots in the doors, only able to see horizontal slashes of his face. He reached into his locker, snagging his spare set of clothes.  He withdrew his arm as Ryo reached more deeply into his own locker, brushing his door wide and Dee's almost shut. Teamwork. 

Dee reached around the doors and snagged Ryo's collar drawing him around the small doors and close to himself. "Let me." He whispered, loosening Ryo's tie.

"Christ, Dee! Not at work!''

"What?  I'm not going to bend you over a bench or anything. I just want to unbutton your shirt. Relax." Dee soothed, hanging the tie over Ryo's locker door, starting to work on his buttons. 

Ryo sighed softly and regained his composure. Dee just wanted to be close. Dee was having a rough day. That was fine; Ryo could be there for him. He let his hands rest on Dee's hips. "Hey, Dee, guess what?"

"What?" Dee asked softly, leaning into Ryo, his head bowed, breathing in through his nose, enjoying Ryo's masculine scent. 

"I love you." 

"I love you, too." Dee drew Ryo's shirt from his pants before sliding it from his shoulders, hanging it carefully on a hook in his locker. "There. I'll let you do the rest." Dee placed a quick kiss to Ryo's neck before stepping back.

"You're very good to me, Dee."

"I try to be." Dee offered a smile as he quickly divested himself of his own tie and shirt.  He drew off his belt in a quick motion, hanging that as well. Both men stood, one foot on the bench that had been behind them, unlacing their shoes, before slipping from their slacks and underwear. Dee reached over and knotted a towel around Ryo's waist, before doing the same for himself. 

They showered, slower then normal, but not the long lingering kind either.  They spoke over the soft roar of water as they washed and rinsed.   Once dressed, they gathered up their paper work before taking the subway back to Ryo's place, feeling more human. Both of them quiet. 

Bikky was already home. He was sprawled out on the mat in front of the couch, elbow propped up on a pillow, squinting down at a math book, a notebook by his right hand as he chomped on the end of a bic.

"Hey, Bikky. How was your day?" Ryo asked with a smile. He kicked his shoes off by the door and then knelt down next to the boy to press a kiss to the top of his head.

"Geez, dad, cut that out. My day was fine. Do you have to kiss me?" Bikky grumbled making a token swat at his foster father.

"Yes, it's in my job description as sent to me by the State of New York's Child Welfare Services. Now, hush." Ryo smiled ruffling the boy's hair. "What are you working on?"

"Pre-Algebra crap. I hate it. I'm going to flunk."

"It can't be that bad, kid." Dee said as he stepped out of his shoes as well. "No Cal helping you study tonight?'

"Nah… she's on the rag or something, all bitchy." Bikky rolled on to his back to look up at the dark haired detective standing over him. 

"Yeah, they do that. You want some help?  I could handle math okay. One of the few things I could manage. You're more of an English and Social Studies kid, huh?"  Dee lowered himself to the bamboo rug, snagging a pillow off the couch to lean on as he lay down alongside the preteen. 

Ryo smiled, watching the two a moment. It was nice to see them working together, acting like a family… not trying to kill each other. They had managed to come to some sort of understanding over the last couple months. Dee had no intention of going away, and Bikky could either make it hell, or they could make some sort of truce. Thank god, they had both ceased fire. 

"Yeah, I guess so. I mean, not that I like school or anything, but English and social studies are a helluva lot more useful. I'm supposed to start a language next year, you know." Bikky said conversationally as Dee got settled.

"No, I didn't know. What are your options?"

"French, Spanish, or German. I think I want to take Spanish. French is for pussies… and why the hell would I ever need to know German?" Bikky turned back over on his stomach, laying shoulder to shoulder with Dee.

"I took Spanish, and it's useful. But French is the language of the educated, or so I'm told." Dee shrugged, perusing the Algebra book.

"I'm not educated."

"You could be, if you wanted to be…." Dee observed absently, crossing his legs at the ankles.

"Is there any place where it's like, ya know, cool, to be smart?" Bikky asked, his eyes never having left the man beside him. He was starting to understand some things about Dee. Things he hadn't seen until he stopped trying to protect his dad. Vulnerabilities  and wisdom. Not the same kind of wisdom Mr. Doren seemed to have… but a certain kind of knowledge that only comes from making lots of mistakes… of having to do it wrong, before figuring out how to do it right. Dee had done a lot wrong in his life… but damned if he hadn't learned his lesson every time. As Bikky started to mature, he started to realize, that unless he wanted to BE Dee, he damn well better learn from him. 

"I'm not sure… I've heard some things, from Penguin, about Charter schools… public schools that specialize in things, I guess. It might be cool to be smart there."

"Would I have to wear a uniform?"

"Hey, nothing wrong with uniforms. I wore one from kindergarten until I graduated." Dee replied, still not realizing that his brain was being picked.

"Dee Laytner? In a preppy uniform?! No way!" Bikky exclaimed loudly, laughing. Dee finally looked up offering the boy a tired smile.

"Yup, one of the many joys of attending Catholic school. Of course, mine wasn't like a lot of the uniforms around here, not like a full suit or anything. Just gray or black slacks and a maroon polo shirt with the school crest on the breast. St. Christopher's Academy." 

"Wow… I didn't know you went to a private school. I didn't think Orphans got to do things like that. So, how the hell do I do this problem." Bikky pointed to his math book with a saliva-slicked pen. 

Ryo smiled softly to himself, standing in the door watching the two people he loved most in his life. Slowly, he moved into the kitchen to start dinner, letting them pour over the math book together, listening over his own racket as they worked.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You were really good with him today, did you know that?" Ryo asked softly, as he slowly stretched out on his bed, raising his arms over his head as he arched his back, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.

"Nah, he was just being-have because he needed something." Dee shrugged quietly as he undressed, crawling into bed next to his lover, wearing similar attire. 

"Well, even so… did you enjoy your chili?" 

"Yes, it was excellent as always. I still can't believe you use turkey, not beef." Dee grinned, crawling over Ryo's prone body. 

"Thank you. Are you feeling better? I think you were pretty soul weary there for awhile." Ryo ran his fingers through dark locks and down Dee's back.

"Yes, I am. Being around you makes everything better." Dee grinned, lowering himself carefully so he was sprawled on top of Ryo.

"Ooof. You weigh a ton." Ryo laughed, arms coming around Dee, holding him tight. 

"Quiet, you, only twenty pounds more than yourself." Dee growled kissing along Ryo's neck.

"Oh sure…_only_ twenty pounds. Although technically it's closer to fifteen. You know who I got a letter from in the mail from today?"

"Who?" Dee didn't stop his hot kisses on Ryo's neck. Ryo didn't mind a bit, feeling Dee's manhood starting to press insistently against his thigh, his own quivering pleasantly under Dee's weight.

"Lyn and Andrew. They sent _us_ a thank you note, if you can believe that. Makes me feel a little socially inept. We should have sent them one. We should invite them over."

"You really enjoyed that didn't you? Absolutely. Let's do it. Maybe Cal can watch the girls for them?" Dee suggested, toying with Ryo's hair.

"Hmmm, yeah.  She's been doing a lot of babysitting lately. Man, my apartment's so small though. It would be a full house…" Ryo bit his lip a little, hands stroking Dee's chest lightly.

"Meh! The more the merrier. I'm sure they'll feel the same." Dee grinned. "But let's plan the details later, eh? Something else seems to have come up." Dee waggled his dark eyebrows suggestively.

"Mmm… sounds good.  I was starting to get worried. You hadn't pounced me and begged for sex in like three days… is everything okay, baby?  I was really surprised that you just went home yesterday morning." Ryo's brow furrowed slightly as he ran his hands along Dee's spine, sliding under the elastic of his boxers to take a palm-full of firm flesh.

"Just stress. We are mostly naked now, better take advantage of it." Dee's grin was sly, but if Ryo brought up his mood one more time, it was going to kill the current one. "You're right. I owe you a ravishing."

Bikky sighed and rolled over pulling a pillow over his head as the creak of bedsprings reached his ears… at least they had learned to keep the other noises to themselves. Part of him, though, was deeply relieved to hear the all too familiar rhythmic creaking. Dee had been so weird lately, so quiet…

Bikky was well aware that the big one-three was fast approaching. Glancing at the calendar he counted less than four months. Thirteen was a big number… the beginning of manhood, really. He had several Jewish friends who all talked about their Barmitzva's, Christian friends and confirmation… even an Islamic girl who had to start wearing a scarf on her head. Bikky didn't have any of those rites of passage, that he was aware of. Sometimes he went to a Unitarian church youth group with Cal… but they didn't do anything like conformation. Ryo didn't attend church, or temple… or anything. He had a small shrine on a shelf in his bedroom with a mirror, some incense, a candle and a statue of Buddha… but when Bikky had asked him about it, he had shrugged and explained each item… but hadn't told him anything about god or faith, or anything.

Sometimes, he felt a little adrift. He lacked culture… religion; even his ethnicity was negated by that damned blonde hair. He knew a lot of things he wasn't but had no clue as to what he was. An orphan in ever sense of the word. 

Raising his head from the mattress he heard the squeaking had stopped. He got up carefully, avoided the heaps of clothes on the floor and padded across the small room to his closet. The rectangle of light from the city that never sleeps was all he needed to climb up the shelves, reach to the highest furthest corner, and pull down what had been an old cigar box. Clutching the sacred object to his chest he climbed back down and padded back to his bed, sitting cross-legged in the light pollution.

Small dark fingers, only just starting to lose their child's pudginess untied the piece of twine holding the box shut. Flipping back the lid, he sighed. The scent of long ago smoked cigars wafting over him… and the smell of old paper. 

He kept things here, sacred things. He was young enough that he thought his little box was well hidden and that Ryo was completely ignorant. If he had even the faintest idea that his foster father knew of it, he would have long ago hidden it else where, but ignorance was bliss, in this case. 

There were old pictures… or at least, old to Bikky, of him with his mother. To him she was achingly beautiful, and young. Her blonde hair hung straight and smooth to her waist, her eyes were watchful and loving… even in the pictures. There was five of her in total. Five was all he had salvaged, hoarding them like treasure. His father hadn't known about them. Ryo didn't know, or so he thought. 

He handled each one like spun glass laying them out on his mussed covers, looking them over. He didn't leave them out long… there was an ache inside him that hadn't been filled yet. He had no idea what it was but it was that ache that had been paramount in his interactions with Dee. Bikky didn't have words for it, but it was still there. Dee threatened what was his, threatened his security…. except…

…Dee had become his security, too.

He had two dads. That's all there was to it. Truthfully, Bikky was happy to have two parents, gender was beyond the point. His night with Dee had left him feeling warm and safe, so he didn't mind so much that the horn dog was boffing his dad in the next room. Besides, its not like Ryo was telling him to stop… in fact. '_Oh, God! Yes, Dee! Harder!'_ had pretty much put those fears to rest. 

But there were new fears… new threats to his survival. And for once, it wasn't Dee. Or at least Dee wasn't the cause of it. 

Bikky was almost thirteen, and he realized that he had some growing up to do. He was starting to wonder if Dee didn't hold the answers he sought. Dee was just like him. An orphan… and Dee was his dad too, damn it!

"So Ryo better stop dicking around and fall in line." He muttered angrily, scowling down at the contents of the box. He rummaged through it a bit, fingers falling on the irregular surface of metal. He withdrew it carefully, turning it over in his fingers.

It was the bullet that had wounded Dee when his substitute teacher went bonkers. A bullet that had been meant for Bikky. Dee had saved him not once, but twice that day. Dee had almost died for him. It was a really scary thought. He had started to realize then that Dee did love him. And when a kid like him was offered love… even in Dee's half assed way, he didn't say no. He just kicked it in the nuts a few times.  What was a foot to the sack between friends?

The boy felt restless as he pawed through the rest of the box. A hair ribbon of Cal's, that smelled like her…. He didn't smell it tonight though; because sometimes it made him do funny things that he just didn't want to deal with at the moment… like when he had caught her in the shower… He set the bit of ribbon aside and moved on.

A picture of him and his father… bittersweet. Ryo thought of him as irresponsible… reckless… and maybe he was… but Ryo didn't know about how Bikky had taken care of his father… done his laundry… cooked his meals… rolled him on his side when he was drunk…

The mulatto boy got up, pacing a little. "What the hell…" the ache had risen to his chest…and his throat… and his eyes. Why was he so suddenly miserable? He swiped at his eyes sniffling and clenching his teeth. Where had this come from? What was wrong with him? 

He slammed his fist into his palm a couple times, muttering swear words, trying to reclaim his bravado… but it seemed, suddenly, as though the monsters under his bed were more than just figurative. He was afraid… of nothing… everything. 

The boy retreated from the room quickly, hoping the more open space of the living room would calm him…he could sleep on the couch… but it did nothing to sooth his nerves. The couple in the apartment above him was shouting at each other… a plate or glass broke… Bikky dashed for Ryo's bedroom door, biting his lip as he pushed it open slowly, closing it behind him. He got down on his hands and knees, not wanting to be seen if either men woke. He was almost a man, and he was crying… afraid of the boogieman… wanting his daddy. He would never live it down if he were caught.

His knees and hands slid silently over the hardwood, feeling for the rug that preceded the bed by a couple feet. Finally, his hands found the edge of the bed. He scooted closer, sitting down by the side of it, his head peering over the top.

Dee was closest to him, a hand dangling over the edge of the mattress, snoring softly. Ryo was against the wall, his breath deep and even. Bikky sighed, feeling a little calmer. He shifted so Dee's limp fingers rested on his shoulder as he curled up, leaning against the mattress and box spring, closing his eyes. 

"Bikky?" The hand on his shoulder squeezed gently. If Bikky had been a few years younger he would have wet himself. He managed to keep his reaction to a gasp. "Sorry, kid, didn't mean to scare you." Dee whispered. Bikky felt the hand feel across his back and up his neck to stroke his hair in a sleepy fashion.

"S'okay" Bikky mumbled.

"Something wrong, sport? You have a bad dream?" 

Bikky shook his head. "No…" he whispered back. "I just… can we talk?"

Dee seemed taken aback. "Yeah, sure thing… but can I meet you in the living room…I'm…"

"Naked, I know. Yeah, geez…: Bikky grumbled, shaking his head, but he had never felt more relived. He stood and padded back out to the living room.

Dee crawled out of bed soothing Ryo when he stirred with a gentle caress and a kiss to his forehead. He found a pair of flannel pants, discarded on the floor. Pulling them on he stumbled out into the living room, escaping without Ryo waking.

Bikky was curled up on the couch, having tugged a blanket around his naked shoulders. Dee yawned big enough to crack his jaw.

"You want some tea or hot chocolate or something?" Dee offered, scratching his chest.

"You having something?" Bikky countered.

"Yeah, I was thinking of it." Dee moved over to the kitchen in the dark, opening the fridge with closed eyes. He felt around until he found the button that shut off the light, holding it down while he got the milk out, and then closed the door again. Quietly he put a saucepan on the burner with the milk mixing in some chocolate as he went. 

Bikky tagged along into the kitchen, wearing the blanket like a cape. "Dee?"

"Yeah, Captain Underpants?"

"I… I'm…really wigging out." Bikky said softly, standing at Dee's elbow as his foster-step-whatever dad stirred the milk.

"I kind of figured, but, I don't know how to help you, until I know what's wrong…" Dee switched the spoon over to his right hand so he could put his arm around the boy. "What's on your mind right now?"

"A lot of things… I was listening to you rogering my dad and just sorta thinking, ya know? I mean, not about you rogering my dad. I'm not a pervert like you, but about stuff… I'm almost thirteen-"

"Twelve and a half, and how do you know he wasn't the one doing the rogering."

"Because you're a pervert and he isn't. Anyway, I'm almost thirteen… and, I don't know anything about anything."

"Well… for one thing, you aren't supposed to know anything about anything. You're at a golden age when ignorance and bad judgment are expected. Use it to the fullest…. but, what is it you think you should be knowing?" Dee got out two mugs. Bikky's favorite had Marvin the Martian on it. His own favorite was a heavy ceramic one that he had made in high school and kept with him ever since. He poured the steaming liquid into each. 

"I don't know, about god and stuff… or something? I mean, David and Joshua are getting barmitzvahed or something, Luke, Missy and Shana are getting confirmed, and Sanaa has to start wearing a… cloth on her head, a head covering… you know a…she's Islamic." 

"Yeah, I know… about God, huh? That's what you're freaking out about at one in the morning? God?" Dee reached up into the cupboard above the fridge and pulled out a small bottle of whiskey. "Hey, Bik… don't tell your dad… I'm gonna put a little whiskey in this… so we can both sleep. That okay with you?"

"Aren't I a little young to be getting drunk with you?" But Dee could see the interest in Bikky's eyes.

"Kid, you will barely taste it, let alone get drunk on it."

"Yeah, sure, hit me." Bikky leaned forward to watch as Dee put a small amount in his mug… a larger amount in his own. He handed the mug to Bikky. "So… God?"

"Well… that's just part of it.  I mean I got to thinking about other things… about my family and stuff… not Ryo.. I mean my real mom and dad." Bikky took a sip of his jazzed up hot chocolate, feeling slightly disappointed when all he felt was a little tingle in the pit of his stomach, but feeling very grown up that Dee would give him alcohol at all. "I mean… I really like living with Ryo… he is a great dad… really good to me… but…"

"But it's different." Dee said with a nod. They had moved out to the couch as they spoke. Dee sat down setting his mug aside. "I know you're all grown up and stuff, but, do you want to lay with me while we talk?"

"Yeah… just don't tell anyone… this won't make me a pervert like you will it?" Bikky asked hesitantly as he climbed onto the couch with Dee, stretching out alongside him, lying down in the crook of his arm.

"It's not contagious, Bik. So, what about your mom and dad?"

"I don't remember my mom real good, you know? I mean, I remember she was real pretty… and that she had a real soft voice… but that's about it, you know?" Bikky took another sip of his spiked cocoa before tilting his head back to look at Dee.

"Well… yes and no… I mean… I have no idea what my mom even looked like. But I have memories of Penguin, and some of the other nuns from when I was very young. I suppose it's a little like that?" Dee offered, shifting a little so the boy could lie more comfortably.

"I dunno… but I mean, if you want to remember what Penguin looks like, you just have to go to the orphanage. She's still here for you. I don't even know where my mom's grave is." Bikky sighed, knowing he was a bit old to be lying with his step…foster…father… whatever… but not caring at the moment. It felt good, to be touched. 

"Yeah, you're right. So that bothers you? That you only sort of remember her?"

"Yeah. I wonder how happy she was with my dad, you know? I mean she seemed so… soft… not in a bad way, but kind of like Ryo, quiet. My dad… he wasn't abusive exactly… but he hit me sometimes. I took care of him sorta. Ryo doesn't think I can cook or clean or anything, but I've been doing that stuff since my mom died. My dad loved me, in his way, I know that but…"

"You didn't feel it?" Dee offered listening to the boy, reaching over to smooth his blonde locks.

"Yeah. Not like Ryo. When that dude loves you, he lets ya know it…" Bikky turned to Dee as he swallowed. "But he doesn't let you know it, does he?"

Dee was totally blind-sided. He had no idea Bikky had any clue as to what was going on between him and Ryo. Well, he knew that Bikky understood they were in some facsimile of a relationship, but that Bikky was aware that there was disharmony between them?

"Um…he does, in his own way, I suppose.'' Dee replied, noncommittally. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about the situation with Bikky. The kid had a right to know when his 'parents' were having problems. He wanted to be sure this wasn't just… smoke on the horizon. 

"Yeah but… something's still wrong. You two aren't yelling and screaming, like my dad did with his bitches… but you… are hurt, or angry, or something. You've been too quiet. Don't think I'm an idiot Dee."

"Don't call them bitches, and I don't think you are an idiot… its just… I've only realized that something is wrong in the past few days. I'm surprised that you've noticed… since it's been closer to a cold war than an out and out battle." Dee sighed, looking down at Bikky before taking a long drink of his cocoa. Bikky imitated him unconsciously, and it made Dee smile a little inside.

"Well… you haven't been hanging around as much and taking up my space… and… you've been walking around like you got kicked in the nads or something." Bikky shrugged.

"I suppose that's true." He had been kicked in the 'nads', the metaphorical ones at least, and in the heart… but damn if this didn't hurt his manhood too.

"Dee… I don't want you to leave." Bikky's voice was so… young, so desperate. "You… I like having you around. You know stuff…and shit."

"Bikky… kiddo." Dee felt himself get a little misty. The kid really did want him around. Dee loved the boy, maybe not as his own, like Ryo did, but given time, he knew he would feel Bikky was every bit his son too. "I don't know what to tell you… Ryo… he keeps telling me… he wants a wife. I don't think he understands that means I'm not in the picture any more. I'm not sure what he really wants, but I can't promise you that I will always be here, in the capacity I am right now. Because if Ryo finds a woman…"

The look on Bikky's face was positively stricken. His ocean blue eyes filled with tears. "Dee…" he choked, his heart beating rapidly. God, he didn't want to hear this, he should have just suffered in silence because this was so much worse. Knowing that Dee might leave but not when or why… or if he would at all. It was like some terrible roulette game, the axis being Ryo's whim. As much as Bikky loved his dad, he didn't trust Ryo's judgment.

"Hey, hey now, none of that. Even if that happens, Bikky, I promise I will always, always be here for you. You know where I live, you know my phone number. You can come over, or call, whenever you want, just like you can now. Because… listen kid, I like you a lot, and I feel pretty attached to you, even though we bicker a lot. Okay? I would be pretty sad to lose you, too." Dee set down his mug and hugged Bikky close, kissing the top of his head. "Just don't tell that I have a soft spot.  Okay?"

Bikky sniffled a little, hugging Dee tightly. "Soft spot? You're just a big cream puff, Laytner." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They talked… talked for ages, nearly two hours. Dee was sure Ryo would kill him if he found out about the couple of tablespoons of whiskey he had given the boy, but it had worked. Bikky had relaxed, and it had loosened his tongue a good bit. They had talked God… talked girls… talked family. 

Bikky had fallen asleep, while Dee was talking. The soft rolling cantor of Dee's voice lulling him. Dee had thought to get up, to carry the boy to his bed and then return to his own with Ryo… but instead he had pulled another blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over the both of them. He, too, had then fallen asleep. 

Ryo found them on the couch, both snoring loudly. One of Dee's arms curled protectively around the boy as he slept.  Bikky took up as much room as possible, draped over Dee, and half off the couch, drooling slightly. 

His brow furrowed a bit as he watched the two of them. On one hand Ryo was very happy the two had apparently bonded some last night… but also a bit hurt, that it was Dee that Bikky had wanted, not him.

"Dee…" He whispered softly, bending over the arm of the couch, stroking his lover's hair. "Let him go so I can carry him to bed." 

Dee muttered something incoherent and snorted, but his arm slid from Bikky. Ryo crouched and lifted the boy from the couch, into his arms, Bikky didn't even stir. He carried the boy back to his tiny bedroom and gathered the things off the boy's bed with one hand, managing to cradle Bikky in the other, but it was a close thing. The boy was getting bigger. He was at least two inches taller than when Ryo had first met him, maybe three, and he had to weight nearly a hundred pounds. Finally, the boy's bed was clear. Ryo laid him in it, pulling the covers up to his chin and kissing his forehead before returning to his lover… who was scrubbing his eyes sleepily. 

"Morning." Dee grunted, not sitting up yet. Damn but he hurt; sleeping on the couch wasn't such a hot idea… he must be getting old.

"Good morning… what happened last night?" Ryo sat down on the edge of the couch, running his hands over Dee's chest… damn, but he loved the mans chest.

"I have no idea. Well, I mean I know that Bikky was really stressing over a lot of stuff… he came into our room. I think he meant to sleep on the floor by our bed, but I woke up… and we talked. He zonked out while we were talking." Dee croaked, a bit hoarse.

"Oh… what was he so stressed about that he would want to sleep in our room?" Ryo frowned a bit more, feeling out of the loop.

"Um… a lot of stuff. I think he feels like, well… I think he's a little scared to grow up for one. He wanted to know about God for two, and for three he's worried that I'm going to leave."

"Holy… wait…what?!" Ryo wasn't sure which of those statements caused him the most distress.

"Where do you want to start, Ryo?" Dee sighed. "And by the way… call him in late, would you? He's only been asleep about three hours." 

"Why does he think you're leaving?" 

"Because he knows that you and I have been having problems, I suppose." Dee shrugged; running a hand through his hair, hoping his morning breath wasn't too killer. Then again, he had cocoa and whiskey last thing last night… so he had to be killing Ryo.

"We're having problems? What the hell?" Ryo frowned even more deeply.

"Well, we aren't exactly Norman Rockwell. Listen, it's like this. The kid knows that things haven't been a hundred percent lately. And if you haven't noticed that there has been at the very least some miscommunication, you are more oblivious than I thought. Kids like Bikky can see the weaknesses in every relationship, because they are so used to seeing them dissolve."

"What did you tell him about it?" Ryo wasn't liking this at all. Sure things had been a little tense the last couple of days, but if Dee was turning his own son against him…

"I told him that yes, things were… a little rocky at just this moment, and that part of what we were talking about was you wanting to marry a woman." Dee stopped seeing the look on Ryo's face. "Ryo, listen to me, the kid is worried about you and I breaking up because he doesn't want to lose that stability. I told him because I want him to feel like he can talk to me, to us, even about us."

"You're just going to worry him." Ryo frowned deeply, his hand stilling on Dee's chest.

"He's already worried. He came in to our bedroom last night seeking comfort. He has never done that before when I've been here. That says something to me Ryo." Dee sighed. It seemed like everything he said or did lately was wrong.

"Alright… you're right. I was really shocked when I saw you two out here… it was really sweet." Ryo smiled after taking a deep breath to ease his own tension. He smoothed his hands up along Dee's chest. 

"Ryo… how much time do we have before we have to leave for work?" He asked softly, running his hands through Ryo's smooth locks.

"About an hour, why?" 

"Because I want to lay with you for a little bit." Dee drew Ryo down with him on the couch, pulling him close. Ryo stretched out alongside of him, resting his head on Dee's bare chest, listening to the thump of his heart. 

"Gladly." Ryo smiled, kissing his partner's chest lightly. "I know things have been tense, Dee, but I love you."

"I love you too, Ryo. We'll get through this." Dee ran his hands over Ryo's back, massaging the small of his back where Dee knew he was often sore.

"What did you tell him about God?" 

"Um… I wasn't sure what to tell him. I know… that you have chosen to not discuss or teach him anything. I told him what I thought and what I believed; that there are many faces to God… It's a lack he feels, Ryo. I know you aren't big on God, but Bikky sees his peers learning about it… and he wants to know something. I don't think he feels a need of faith… but a need for knowledge… does that make sense?" 

"Yeah, I suppose… but, why? I mean, why does he want that? He's never had it so how can he even know he's missing it?" Ryo shifted, not much liking any of this. He and God weren't on speaking terms. 

"Well, just because you barely pay lip service to religion doesn't mean the rest of the world neglects it. His friends are all… going through Bar mitzvahs, confirmations, and having to wear scarves over their heads… religious stuff. Bikky's got none of that and he doesn't know why he's different." Dee shrugged a little. His own faith was deep seated, but he knew it made Ryo uncomfortable.

"Dee, you really understand Bikky. Have you noticed that? I love him, but I don't understand his logic the way you do. I'm glad we both have you." 

"Ryo… I don't ever want to lose you. It scares the hell out of me. I'm sorry if I've been off lately… but I don't know what to do." Dee hugged Ryo to him tightly, as if that action could keep Ryo with him.

            "Dee… I'm sorry; I shouldn't have been saying these things. I am really confused too, really scared. I'm just sorting this all out, please, just give me time."

"Hey, I've waited two years. I can wait a little longer." Dee smiled a little but didn't feel much eased. 

"We need to get up and get going… I need to call Bikky in." Ryo gave Dee one last kiss before getting up and heading over to the phone. 

Dee sighed deeply, not feeling much better about the situation, as he headed for the bathroom to shower. 

Authors Note: Thanks to those who you, who are reviewing, keep it up, there is nothing I like better then hearing specific praise or criticism. To know what people really think not just 'great, write more'. Again thanks to my beta's, and Goku, a wonderful person from Germany who gave me some interesting perspective. 


	5. Tea And Sympathy

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue. I'm poor ^_^; 

Delicate

Chapter Five:

Tea and Sympathy

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryo stretched out on his bed, lying on his stomach, his journal in front of him. He and Dee had only worked a half shift today. They hadn't been scheduled at all but that was the joy of police work, you were always on call. 

They had scheduled another dinner date with Lyn and Andrew, and Ryo knew he would have to get up in about twenty minutes to start dinner, but for the moment he was focused on the pages in front of him. Smashing Pumpkins played on his stereo. The Pumpkins were a band that he and Dee both enjoyed; in fact Ryo had been a pretty big fan of the group in his college years.

Ryo hummed along softly as he twirled a pen between his fingers. Dee had gone home to get cleaned up for their dinner tonight and take a nap, He was still not caught up on all the sleep he had missed from the week before and was trying to eradicate the exhaustion that was plaguing him. Ryo was glad for the time to gather his thoughts and sort himself out. He felt like his world had been dancing on the edge of a blade for the last week. 

He nibbled on the end of the pen before placing it to the unlined paper. Lifting it again, he nibbled. Where to start? 

            __

_The last ten days or so, my world has been reeling. It's like every time I open my eyes my world is an abstract of spinning and lights. Everything flies by and by the time I realize what's happened it's too late. I have danced on and the world is spinning again. This isn't an unusual feeling, entirely, but until now… I always thought it was Dee who set me spinning and reeling, that it was he who was my dance partner, who turned and circled with me. Maybe it used to be… but now it is most often his face that I see as I whirl by unable to stop, his pain I am causing without realizing it. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm dancing alone. Dee may have started the music, but I'm doing this one alone. _

_So my world is whirling and every time I see Dee's face… I realize that some misstep of mine has caused him pain… but I don't know what to do about it. Every time we talk… about me… about us… I just… I blurt things out before I can stop myself. I push and push, like I don't love him, like I don't want him with me, like I am trying to get him to leave… maybe I am. It would be easier to love him from a distance… like before._

_I want him… I don't want him. My heart wants him, my logic doesn't… but I've never had very strong logic, at least not about myself. "To thine own self be true." I know that quote is actually bastardization, when in context the text is talking about self-centeredness… maybe that's my problem. I never stop to look at me. I take care of others, fight the good fight, so I can't pause, can't breath. I dance so I can't see. _

_I remember as a boy…not really a boy… somewhere in between, not much older then Bikky… maybe fifteen… I would wake up in the night, chest heaving… having no idea what was wrong but just needing to run… and run… and if I didn't… I've never said this before, never really admitted it, because it's not in my picture of perfection… I felt that if I didn't get out of bed and start running… I would kill myself… not out of conscious thought, or depression, not because I wanted to… but because there was something inside me that I needed to get rid of… something inside me that I couldn't stop and couldn't control. If I had ever actually hurt myself… I would have been shocked… I probably wouldn't have even remembered doing it…. I wasn't suicidal… just crazy. _

_I would climb out my bedroom window… wearing my track shorts and a tee shirt, no matter how cold it was, I never wore shoes… I would climb down a tree. I can remember the wet grass under my feet, as I would just run and run… there were nights I remember the sun would be coming up as I hauled myself back into my window. I would run until I collapsed… or threw up, and then stumble back to my tree… some days I would sleep at the foot of it for an hour… trying to find the strength to climb back up. _

_Now I know I was running from something. That's why I ran, to get away. And I'm starting to understand what that may have been… because last night…. I woke up and ran._

The phone rang so loudly that Ryo thought his eardrums would burst. His heart stopped in his chest for a moment and the pen flew from his hand as he jerked. It took him a moment to realize that it was the phone. Finally, on the fifth ring, he picked it up with shaking hands.

"Hello…. MacLean residence?" It was a suggestion; he had no idea where he was any more.

"Ryo? Are you okay? Its Andrew Darling." Andrew's deep baritone drifted over the line in an odd combination of concern and bemusement. 

"What? Oh god, yes…" Ro laughed shakily. "I'm sorry. I was off in my own little world. The phone scared the hell out of me."

Andrew chuckled softly. "I'm sorry. I hope it wasn't too bad."

"No… no, I'm a cop, I shouldn't startle that easily. What's up?"

"Listen… I have some not so hot news… I don't think we can come over for dinner tonight… Lyn is having a really rough time of it today… I think it's better if we just stay home… but you, Dee and Bikky are welcome to come over. Nothing fancy, just pizza or something." 

Ryo's brow furrowed a little, as he shifted on the bed.  Andrew spoke as though he should know exactly what was meant when he said 'Lyn was having a rough time of it' and Ryo had no freaking clue. "No problem. You don't have to have us over. What's wrong?"

"Oh, no. Lyn would feel terrible to totally cancel on you guys. He was really looking forward to this evening"

 "No problem… if you're sure you want us to come over, that'll be just fine. Hell, I won't complain, it gets me out of cooking another meal but now I owe you two." Ryo laughed a little. "Do you want us to bring anything? Salad or something to go with the pizza?"

"Sure, if you want. I won't say no to more food. Why don't you all come on over around six or so?"

"Sounds great. Give Lyn my best. I hope its nothing too serious." Ryo offered genuinely.

"I will. Thanks, Ryo, He will appreciate it. It won't be a big deal as long as I get him back on track tonight. See you at six."

"Yup, see you." Ryo hung up the phone when he heard the line click. Taking a deep breath to regain his sense of balance he picked the phone back up and dialed Dee's number from heart. The conversation was short. Dee was barely awake, and Ryo wasn't positive he would remember the change of plans when he woke, but if he didn't it was no big deal. The time hadn't really changed.

Dee taken care of, Ryo returned to his journal, glancing at the clock. Four pm… Bikky would be home in about a half hour… Ryo planed to use it. 

Dark eyes scanned his neat script reviewing what he said, trying to slip back into the mindset as he found his pen on the floor by the headboard. 

_It was the first time since high school that I had run like that. I never admitted to myself then why I ran… but now… I think I understand… I woke those nights, not just in a cold sweat, my heart thundering in my chest… but I awoke hard enough to cut glass. I awoke those nights, with the vision of men's bodies, their hands on my body, still blinding my eyes. I remember dreaming of my soccer captain Alan McAllister. _

_I spent two years running from Dee. I spent two years running as hard as I could away from that man… to him. I always told him to stop… but I always wanted to say 'don't stop'. It felt right, good, whole… but it made my heart thunder in my chest, and brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes it felt like wanting to be raped. It wasn't bad enough that it was happening, I also had the shame of wanting it. Still have that shame. But god do I want it._

_I feel like… if I could just decide that I was bi, like Dee, just make that choice, I could be done with it… but I can't. I'm not bi. I know that word is the wrong one… like I know irregardless isn't a word… the word is regardless… irregardless is a double negative. That doesn't mean I don't use irregardless sometimes… I just know it's not the right word. So, if I'm not bisexual… what does that leave me? As far as I know… gay or straight. I like straight a lot better than I like gay… I refuse to accept gay.  I refuse to be Dee's woman. (Because I have no misconception that he would be mine.) So, that only leaves me with straight… and I don't think I fit in that box any longer… when I'm in love with a man…. So what the hell is wrong with me? _

_I want children… I have Bikky, but I want more. I have always wanted children. Maybe it's effeminate to want kids but I always have. Its not like I played with dolls when I was a kid, but I never really minded when my older girl cousins made me play house with them and I had to be the dad. This idea of having this little human life that you get to watch grow… I don't know. It's just what I have always striven for._

_I was engaged once. Dee doesn't know this, but I was. My first year on the force. Her name was Amanda; strawberry blond hair that she wore in a pixie cut, very petite, small breasts, some hip, but not really… very boyish. (Gee what does that tell you?) She and I could have gone to high school together, our stories were so similar; the same childhood in the way upper middle class. She had been a cheerleader and the captain of the debate team (I had been captain of the soccer team after Alan and second string debate club). We may have been reading from the same book of morality, and quoting it verbatim. We wanted to raise our children as good Methodists (I sort of neglected to tell her about my Japanese heritage.) Sex before marriage, while a sin, was okay as long as we were engaged and she didn't get pregnant. Church services once a month and on the major holidays… I wanted two kids, she wanted three. That was the only difference._

_Despite talking about sex an awful lot… we never had any… well… no, we did three times, but I am getting ahead of myself. _

_I hated fooling around with her. The kissing was fine, even the petting over the clothes… I think maybe I could still pretend then. It wasn't that she didn't arouse me. She did… but… it wasn't her I wanted. I hated giving her oral, or touching her below the waist…anything that reminded me of what she did and didn't have down there. _

_We did have sex three times. I was desperate to find something I enjoyed with her. I thought sex was the answer. The guys always talked about how good it was. I thought that maybe no guy really liked to touch girls down there… or maybe other girls shaved there or something. (Of course some did, but certainly not all of them, not even most.) So we had sex. And I hated it. So we did it again because I thought she wasn't doing it right. I still hated it. We tried one more time later that week… I remember begging out of bed right afterwards… early day the next morning…whatever… when I got home I stood in the shower for over an hour. I broke it off the next day. I told her to keep the ring, but I needed to focus on my career right now. _

Ryo shook his head and blinked, flexing his cramped hand. The words were just pouring out of him. It wasn't enough.  He needed to write more. He needed to run.

He heard the front door open and Bikky's bag hit the floor, as he scrambled from the bed.  Stripping off his jeans he pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a tee shirt. He was lacing up his running shoes as Bikky waltzed into his room.

"Hey, Ryo. Where you going? I thought Mr. Doren was coming over for dinner with his family."

"Change of plans, sport. We're going there for pizza. Lyn's not feeling too hot. I'm going for a run.  I'll be back in a bit.  We 're leaving at five thirty so get washed up." Ryo said quickly as he passed the boy. His heart felt like it was going to burst from his rib cage. He couldn't stand this. "Be good. I'll be back soon."

Without letting the boy protest, Ryo jogged out the door.

He ran down the stairs and out the back door of the apartment building. He took the alleyways for the moment. He knew his desperate sprint would draw attention even in New York where you didn't scream rape you screamed fire.

He pelted desperately through the tangle of allies that he had learned from years of chasing Bikky, leaping over anything that got in his way. He had done hurdles in high school and the training never left his system. He was running way too hard to last. He knew it but it didn't stop him. He didn't have long to run. If he were to outrun his demons tonight, it would have to be with speed, not endurance. Three blocks down he saw the walk light where he needed to cross; he let it out a notch, his breath already heavy. His long legs ate up the three blocks, but the walk sign was flashing 'don't walk' as he ran headless into the street. 

He didn't even see the car bumper that almost cut his legs out from under him; he simply vaulted over it, landing two feet on the hood before jumping off and continuing on the sidewalk. He wouldn't remember it later.

He ran through the park for almost an hour. He finally stumbled up to his apartment on legs that wobbled and barely supported him. They were going to be late and he knew Dee was already there.  He opened the door and stumbled in. He hung onto the back of a chair a moment to get his balance before heading for the sink and turning on the cold water. Dee and Bikky had come to the doorway of the kitchen and watched in silent astonishment as Ryo stuck his face under the faucet and slurped straight from the tap. He guzzled down the pouring water as his shirt stuck to him as though a bucket of water had been poured over his head. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Toss me a slice, please?" Dee asked as Lyn reached over for another one himself.

"Sure, boyo. What would you like? Cheese, Veggie, or Sausage and Mushroom." Lyn asked, tossing a veggie slice onto his own paper plate.

"S and M please." Dee smirked. Andrew almost spit the organic soda he was sipping across the coffee table.

"Well, that's all well and good, stud muffin, but what kind of _pizza_ do you want?" Lyn replied barely batting an eyelash, shoveling the requested slice onto Dee's plate. "Pardon my fingers." 

"Huh?" Ryo asked look around the coffee table that they sat around. "I don't get it." He looked to Andrew who was still only just managing not to hork his soda. 

"Only if you say 'please, sir'" Dee winked.

Andrew lost it, barely grabbing a napkin as peach organic soda filled his sinus cavity. 

"Oh, cool! Drew horked his soda!" Bikky called gleefully as the blonde man sputtered and leaked. 

"I think you have all lost your minds." Ryo's voice was excessively prim, as he tried to join in the apparent abundance of humor. "And in my day, we called is snarking not horking." 

"Did they even _have _soda in your day, dad?" Bikky snickered poking his foster father in the side. 

"No, nor did they have automobiles or areo planes… or mouthy little boys!" Ryo pounced his son, tickling him wildly, as Andrew tried to regain some dignity. Dee held his sides watching his lover and son through laugh-squinted eyes. His paper plate barely made it to the table as he fell over laughing.  

Lyn grinned tiredly as he leaned back against the couch, watching his husband and company. He was very glad the Laytner-MacLean clan had come over despite his own poor health; their laughter was soothing him. 

He was jolted from his thoughts when something fairly heavy landed in his lap; looking down with a grin he found Ryo's blonde head in his lap, laughing too hard to move.

"Well hey there, good looking." Lyn teased brushing Ryo's hair from his face as Ryo clutched his sides in agony. Bikky straddled his Dad's hips triumphantly, grinning like the devil himself.  "Looks like you won there, bikster." Lyn chuckled as Ryo tried to lever himself out of Lyn's lap, embarrassed, but laughing too hard to move.

Dee tried to say something, but couldn't draw enough breath to make the words and managed only to slap weakly at the hardwood floor.

"I think this meal has disintegrated significantly." Andrew chuckled, shaking his head. 

"I believe you're right, my dear. Does it bother you that I have a strange man's head in my lap?" Lyn snickered, leaning into his husband as Ryo struggled desperately to compose himself.

"No, sweet, I'm not too worried." Andrew chuckled, giving Bikky a hand as he dismounted and flopped on the rug between his certifiable family members, looking from one to the next, not helping either man regain themselves. 

"Lyn… if my dads get put in a mental ward… can I come live with you?" Bikky asked with a sigh, feigning worry.

"I am afraid, Bikky, that if your dads are certifiable, I am as well." Lyn replied apologetically, ruffling Bikky's hair before the blond boy was suddenly attacked from behind by Dee, and a whole new round of tickle fighting began.

It took another twenty minutes for the cadre of men to get themselves under control. Ryo's sides ached from laughing, some of his tension had been relieved. His run earlier had buried some of his anxiety, but Dee and Bikky's concerned and confused looks had continued most the evening until the tickle fight. Now his partner and son looked more relaxed as well,  the incident had hopefully been cleared from their minds. 

Now, however, as the chaos had died down, Lyn was looking at him very speculatively, his head cocked in a mirror image of the way Keiry cocked hers. Ryo offered a nervous smile feeling himself start to flush before he looked away. Those blue eyes of Lyn's were so damn piercing and not unlike Bikky's. The difference was that there was years of wisdom and understanding of human nature that Bikky yet lacked. And Ryo sensed that Lyn saw right through all of his thin facades cutting straight to his core. 

"Ryo dear, help me in the kitchen?" Lyn asked, giving his husband a quick kiss before getting to his feet. He looked pale this evening and lacked the grace that Ryo remembered despite being in fairly good spirits; Ryo could see the man was not feeling well.

"Certainly, in fact, really, I can clean up. You should relax, I mean we were supposed to have you over to our place anyway." Ryo said as he quickly gathered up paper plates hoping to get the bulk of them before Lyn could. Andrew looked like he was about to agree with Ryo's assessment, but Bikky pounced on him distracting his objection.

Dee winced, waiting for a howl of pain from Andrew as the preteen landed on his fragile legs. Bikky was a fairly touchy-feely kid, especially for a street punk.  The kid never had any qualms about leaping into Ryo's lap straddling his legs. Even with Dee, he exhibited very little need of personal space. When Andrew didn't cry out in pain, Dee dared to crack an eye. He saw Andrew, looking relieved, but in no pain, with Bikky indeed straddling his legs but not even touching him.

"Andrew? What kind of dog is Duke?"

Ryo missed the mini drama of Andrew's near miss as he followed Lyn into the kitchen with an armload of garbage. "Lyn, I am totally serious. Let me clean up. You can sit on the stool and supervise. I know it doesn't jive with your idea of hospitality, but consider this an extenuating circumstance." 

Lyn dumped his armload in the garbage before leaning back on the counter and looking Ryo over again with that same speculative look,

"Alright, but only because I think you are more likely to talk that way." 

"Talk about what?" Ryo's heart was thundering. There was no way this man could possibly know anything but he seemed to.        

"Whatever gives you that wide-eyed, confused, deer in the headlights look." Lyn replied, even and unyielding as he sat down on the kitchen stool, resting his feet on the rungs.

"Hey listen, I'm sorry I ended up with my head in your lap earlier, I hope neither you or Andrew took offense." Ryo tried to bait and switch. 

"Not at all. Andrew and I are both very affectionate people. I'm surprised you would apologize at all."

"Oh, well I just didn't want you to think… I mean, you know, the only guy for me is Dee…. I don't even like men. I'm not…yaknow…"  Ryo gathered up a few bits of trash and pitched them away before running water in the sink for the few remaining dishes. 

"Gay? You aren't gay is what you're trying to say, and because I'm gay, obviously any physical contact between myself and another man is flirting."  Lyn's voice wasn't gentle, as Ryo had expected it to be. He had expected soft words and a tender tone as Lyn had shown with Bikky, but Lyn wasn't sparring here. This was the real deal. There was still an undertone of guidance, not judgment, but Ryo felt himself responding like a chastised puppy.

"No, I didn't mean it like that, Lyn!" Ryo replied nervously, his hands moving more quickly to gather the few dishes around him. 

"I know you didn't mean to imply any of that, Ryo, but it's exactly what you did." Lyn's gaze was still speculative.

"What? No! Seriously, Lyn, I didn't mean to offend you at all!" Ryo turned to look at him blushing deeply.

"I know. But you did. And every time you say something like that to Dee, you imply that being gay, or in his case 'bi' is some how sub par or inadequate." Ryo was interested to see that Lyn used his fingers to put quotes around the word 'bi', but was way too concerned about what the man was saying to ask him about it. "I mean, really, you might as well just call him a fag to his face."

"Lyn… what…what are you talking about? I love Dee; I wouldn't do that to him. And I'm not gay, damn it! Why do you people all keep trying to tell me what I am? I just love Dee, not other men, just Dee. I'm not gay!" Ryo stepped towards Lyn, fists balled at his sides, shoulders tense. He wasn't angry enough to have Lyn worried yet, but he knew feeling humiliated could get a man to lash out faster then anything. Lyn forced his own body language to relax and open up, willing his voice to gentle.

"I know you're not gay Ryo… I don't care if you call yourself a purple elephant, or a Jew for Jesus. But I do care, very much, that you are not at peace with your words.  Every time you say something to the effect of 'I'm not like that' or 'I'm not gay' you might as well just punch Dee in the face. I can see that he loves you deeply but doesn't feel secure in your love for him." Lyn sighed in relief as he saw his gentler stance work.  Ryo relaxed trembling a little.

"You can't know that. You barely know us. Lyn, I'm sorry, but this is really none of your affair." Ryo said shakily leaning back against the sink trying to get control of his turbulent emotions. 

"You're right. It's not… but I do feel close to you Ryo. I see you are a good person. You love your son and you do love Dee. I don't want to see any of you hurt.  I also see that both you and Dee lack people in your lives." Lyn reached out laying his hands on Ryo's shoulders, willing the man to calm. "Its okay, Ryo. I want you to know I'm here for you and would gladly count you a friend if you choose it. The foundation of friendship, maybe even more so then a relationship, is honesty. In a relationship, sometimes it's best to hold your tongue for the sake of peace… but a true friend will always tell you precisely what he thinks. Do you understand?" 

"What are you like super husband or something? Tell me where you get off? Tell me what right you have to give me advice? Tell me what gives you this higher wisdom and I will consider what you have to say truth." There was a steel in Ryo's voice that Lyn hadn't expected and suddenly understood what made this man a good cop. He could waffle, be embarrassed and shuffle about, but when it counted…when the chips were really down…he had a titanium-strength streak in him a mile wide. 

"That's more than fair. Do you have time to palaver now? We can take some tea to the study." Lyn offered with a nod.

"Yes… yes we can…what did you call it…palaver. I will tell Dee that if it gets too late they should go home and I'll be in later." Ryo also nodded, feeling a bit shaky as he moved out into the living room, dishes done, to inform his family as Lyn made tea.

It took them twenty minutes to reconvene in the study, which was upstairs at the end of the hallway. Ryo followed the slender man into the impressively large room. The walls were lined with bookcases and windows, the furniture looked very formal, yet, comfortable. It very much looked like a room that belonged to the two men Ryo had met. Comfort, function, and aesthetics all in equality. Lyn beckoned Ryo to a pair of chairs near the fireplace as he set the tea on the table in between them.

"Would it bother you if I started a small fire in the fire place? I'm cold, but I know everyone else would be uncomfortable if I raise the heat any." Lyn asked as he moved over to a large, very old desk against one wall, opening the bottom drawer and pawing around.

"No, not at all. Actually, it would be very pleasant. My childhood home had a fire place that I liked to sit in front of." Ryo smiled a little starting to feel a little more relaxed. Lyn was a gentle man; he really had nothing to fear here. Lyn wouldn't push him too far. 

"Wonderful." Lyn stood again, carefully. He looked a bit faint as he pulled out a thick manila folder from the drawer. "Please pardon me. Did Andrew tell you why we invited you here again?  Why we had to so rudely turn down your invitation last minute?"

"Only that you weren't feeling well. Are you sure you are up for this Lyn… you look a little pale." Ryo watched as Lyn knelt in front of the hearth organizing a few pieces of wood into a small fire before drawing out a fireplace match to light his creation.

"Yes… well, I have a medical condition called hypoglycemia. It means that my body burns more calories then I can consume. If I'm not cautious about my eating habits my blood sugar drops dangerously low. I was not very careful these last few days. My blood sugar is hovering down low enough that I need to expend as little energy as possible and consume enough fuel to convince my body not to feed on itself, and do it without spiking up my blood sugar too high, which can lead to diabetes. Well hell, that took me forever to explain." Lyn chuckled sitting back on his heels to watch as the flames began to lick at the larger pieces of wood. "Anyway, I took out this old case file for you to look at. Don't worry. It's not confidential. Ignore the documentation that says so." Lyn smiled a little handing Ryo the manila folder, like so many dozens of others he had been handed in his time.

"Okay, what is it?" Ryo asked folding it open to look down at the first page of a police report.

"Actually, it's one of Dee's cases. I don't think he was by any means a rookie when it happened, but it's just coincidence that it is one of Dee's." Satisfied that the fire was adequately burning, Lyn flopped back in his chair and picked up his tea taking a sip. 

Raising his eyebrows Ryo turned his eyes to the photocopy of a police report dated some time in 1998. The handwriting he recognized immediately as Dee's. Intrigued he started to read along quickly despite Dee's poor handwriting and frequent spelling and grammar mistakes. This report, Ryo could see had been written with a lot of care. Dee had really wanted this one to be clear and easy to read. Ryo was also used to his partners chicken scratch.

_Second officer and myself responded to a call of a domestic disturbance in an apartment building on 78th street. Upon arriving at the apartment, we found the door to be locked, all silent. We spoke to the tenants of the apartment directly under the one called in and they showed us where a substance that to all appearances was blood dripping from their ceiling. They also reported a history of shouting matches and noise from the tenants above them. My partner and I then went back up the apartment, knocking again and announcing ourselves. Hearing no response, I decided that we could not wait for back up.  If some one was hurt that badly they needed medical attention immediately. I went to the end of the hallway and got out on the fire escape. Despite the rain I felt that it was safe to hop over to the adjoining fire escape that allowed entrance into the apartment. Both my partner and I made the jump. Knocking on the window we announced our presence before breaking in the glass and climbing in. We immediately secured the apartment.  We found a Caucasian male that stood around six feet and had dark hair holding an ordinary kitchen knife. We saw a trail of blood going from the living room back into the bathroom, which was locked. We secured the man before moving down to the bathroom. We knocked and announced, before I kicked the door in. The bathroom was in total disarray; there was blood all over the tile and sink, as well as a bloody handprint that slid across the wall. At first I saw no one in the room, as the shower curtain had also been pulled down over the bathtub. Upon closer inspection, I saw what appeared to be the hand of a corpse dangling over the edge of the tub. I pulled the shower curtain off what I assumed to be the body and dropped it to the floor. It was then that the mans eyes opened and I saw he was still alive, lying in a pool of what I presumed to be his own blood. I pulled on my latex gloves and lifted him from the tub, laying him face down on the shower curtain. It was then I saw where the blood was coming from and saw the slash that looked to be caused by a knife that started at the nape of his neck and went all the way down to his waist. I could see the knobs of his spine and informed my partner to call the police. I grabbed towels and tried to stop the bleeding while we waited for the ambulance…_

Ryo read over the report, nodding now and again. The rest of the report detailed the arrival of the ambulance, the arrest of the perp, and his questioning. The next page down was the questioning of the victim who had apparently survived, but Dee had not done that questioning. There were a few more pages of arrest reports, written confession and written out dialogue of the questioning. At the very back of the file were copies of crime scene photos. Ryo could immediately see why Dee thought the victim was dead. Even in the hospital photos taken to show the damage done to the man, he looked dead, like this was an autopsy not evidence shoot. There were staples that ran the length of the man's spine, then swerved over his hip, all the way around to the inside of a skeletal thigh. There were pictures of bruises on his chest arms and face. Some were deep enough to be nearly black. His face was swollen and misshapen. It was about the worst damage Ryo had ever seen anyone survive, but certainly not the worst Ryo had seen. He closed the folder and handed it back to Lyn.

"Well, it looks like your basic domestic. I mean, it's the most severe I have seen someone live through, but it's not like it was unique. Did you represent the victim?" Ryo asked unsure why he had been shown any of this.

Lyn smiled, a very odd and gentle smile. "I was the victim."

Ryo's jaw dropped visibly, his eyes widening. He had been in homicide for over two years now. He wasn't used to speaking to the victims of crimes any more. His victims were dead.

"It's alright.  Before you say anything, please, don't apologize. It was five or six years ago. Before I met Andrew. Before I was even a lawyer. It was…another lifetime. And no, Dee doesn't know it was me. I mean, you just looked at the pictures and didn't even see them as me. But I remember him. He saved my life… You asked why I have the authority to make commentary on your life. I can only tell you that I know pain and confusion. I know difficulty and hardship… what it is to strive with your soul… not in the same way you do… but I do know these things. I have no authority to tell you anything. I come to you, only as a friend."

Ryo sat in silence a long moment.  He watched the odd, beautiful man across from him watching the fire dance as he gathered his thoughts. "Tell me what happened. I can tell from the way Dee wrote this report that it mean a lot to him to get this done the right way. If this was just a domestic… why?"

It was Lyn's turn to pause for a long bit, collecting his own thoughts with a sip of his tea. "I have no idea why he felt as he did about the case… I can tell you why I will never forget him, and that might help you understand him… but for his motives… you will have to ask him."

"Tell me." 

Authors Note: Thank you again to DJBrown and Jexia, my wonderful beta's, and Wildefyre for helping with a scene down the road that made my path clearer. Thanks to all of you who are wonderful enough to leave me detailed reviews, both positive and not so much so. The next chapter will be out in fairly short order, I'm sorry if this chapter ended abruptly.


	6. Ave Maria 1998

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^; 

Delicate

Chapter Six:

Ave Maria 1998

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"NYPD! Open up!" Dee shouted pounding in the door hard enough to shake it in its frame. Drake stood back watching, waiting to see what happened. When there wasn't even a sound a movement from inside. Dee whirled to him, taking out his gun. "We're kicking her in. You ready?"

"Yeah, lets give this hunk of wood a little NYPD lovin'." Drake nodded in agreement. They back against the far wall, and charged simultaneously, bouncing off when the door gave not an inch. 

"Shit, it didn't even budge. We aren't getting through!" The frustration in Dee's voice was audible, not only to his partner, but to those who were standing in the hallway staring on.

"We need to wait for backup with a ram." Drake shrugged, it was just another call, another domestic.

"No way, Drake, what the hell! When did you stop caring? Some one is dying in there. Come on.' Dee holstered his gun and charged down the hallway ignoring the questions by the various tenants who had come out to stare. 

"What the hell are you doing Dee?" Drake called after him, moving just as quickly behind his partner, a note of panic in his voice. Dee wasn't known for doing things by the book.

"There is a fire escape out here… this is the last apartment on this end, the fire escapes should either connect or be a close hop." Dee shot back over his shoulder as he levered the window open, some of the sill crumbling to wood pulp in his grip.

Outside it was raining like a hapless angel had left a hose on, but Dee didn't pause as he climbed out onto the rusting iron safe-scape. He squinted, gauging the distance over to the next fire escape. It was less then five feet, but more then three. It would be a hard jump to make with no running start, and running wasn't an option, they would have to stand on the narrow railing…

"Drake, give me your belt, the one that holds up your pants, not your utility belt." Dee called, already whipping his off.

"Are you _insane_ Dee?! Neither you or I is Indian Jones, we need to wait for backup!" Drake called over the pounding water, even as he removed his belt, prancing impatiently as Dee lashed the two of them together. Drake wasn't about to let some one die… just because it was bad weather and bad traffic and the NYPD didn't give a flying fuck about one more domestic. He and Dee had been partners for two years now, and they both believed they were in this job to help.

"I will make the jump first. We've got less then six feet of belt here… the jump is what… four feet? I'm gonna tie our belts to the railing here, so just in case… I have a chance to not fall. You come second, so I can catch you, alright?"

"If you think I am going to argue, you picked the wrong partner." Drake shot back, giving Dee a hand as the man climbed up onto the wet, slick railing of the fire escape. Dee took a deep breath as he looked down, fallowing the tumble of the raindrops to the sidewalk, four stories below. Hey, he might not die.

"Hail Mary, full'a grace… keep this fucknut alive for another call." Dee muttered under his breath, and leapt, holding onto the leather of his own belt and praying that he wouldn't need to find out just how strong the buckle really was.

His feet hit the rail on the other side, and scrabbled for purchase, the leather slipping from his hand as he flailed desperately, trying to fall forward, not back. He heard Drake gasp… and then his face was being mashed against the grating of the fire escape. 

"Holy hell Dee… you are one lucky sonofa bitch!" Drake called, nervous laughter clearing the rain.  

"Your turn jackass, come on hurry up, easy as your mother." Dee called back getting up, his uniform now soaked through. Drake climbed up, gripping their belts, taking a deep breath… and leaped. 

Dee stepped forward, seeing Drake couldn't possible make it, grabbing him as Drake managed to wrap his fingers around the railing. Neither said anything as together they managed to get drake over the railing, tumbling onto the narrow 'scape. 

"I'm going to kill you, you fucking bastard!" Drake panted, knees wobbling as he got to his feet.

"Hey now, this is why you wanted into the NYPD isn't it?" Dee hid his own shakes at the near miss by yanking out his magpie. 

"NYPD! Open the fuck up!" He didn't actually give anyone inside time to respond as he rammed the butt of the flashlight through the window, shattering out the glass. Drake scrambled for his gun to cover his partner, as Dee reached inside and unlocked the window, throwing it open so hard that another pane of glass shattered.

"NYPD! We're coming in!" Dee drew his gun as he climbed through the window, scanning what looked to be the bedroom. 

There was a suitcase against the wall, sprawled open as though it had been thrown, a litter of clothes adding to the idea. The bedclothes were ripped apart; a mirror on a vanity was broken.

"Get on the floor! Who ever is here get on the floor!" Dee shouted, his voice echoing like a shot in the silent apartment.

"This is fucking eerie." Drake muttered following Dee, his gun sweeping the room.   

When they stepped out into the hall they saw a heavy trail of blood smeared over hard wood floor… someone had been dragged, or had dragged themselves, down the hallway. It ended at a shut door… with a knife buried in it.

"Be on your toes." Dee whispered, as he rounded the corner quickly, gun out into the kitchen. "GET ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!"

Drake whirled around the corner to cover his partner, expecting… well Freddy Kroger or the Lawn Mower Man, the way Dee had shouted. But as he trained his gun on the suspect, he saw that it was simply a man, standing around six feet tall, with roguish dark hair, dressed in khakis and a sweater…. Completely covered in blood.

"Good evening officers, can I help you?" 

Drake wasn't sure how Laytner knew this man was the suspect, not the victim, but Drake didn't second-guess him, his gun not wavering.

"Get on the fucking floor! Right now. Put your hands where I can see them and get on the floor." When the suspect complied Drake darted forward to cuff him. "You got him buddy I'm going to find his partner…" 

"Go, go." Drake waved a hand as he started to read the man his rights.

Dee followed the trail of blood down the hallway, pounding on the bathroom. "NYPD, open up!" He called, his heart pounding, feeling near frantic. He sensed who ever it was still alive… but with all this blood it wouldn't be long. Getting no answer, he backed down the hall, taking a deep breath before he charged the door, feet slipping in the blood before he gained friction. He threw himself against the door with all the power his lithe form possessed, falling into the bathroom with the door, grunting.

The bathroom looked like it had survived a tornado, part of the mirror had been broken, and was scattered across the floor, on what remained of it was a bloody handprint that slid slowly into oblivion. The shower curtain and rod had been pulled down and were filling the tub, and there was blood, everywhere. He saw no one.

"Hello?" His voice shook as he scanned the small room. He had been sure the victim was in here. 

There was a soft moan; a twitch of movement… then Dee saw a hand among the pile of shower curtain.  "Holy fuck." Dee moaned, not wanting to see what damage had been inflicted to the owner of that hand… because it looked like a dead fish. He swallowed as he crept across the bathroom floor, taking a deep breath before flinging the shower curtains and rode out of the tub and onto the floor. 

The white porcelain of the tub was coated and smeared with blood, so was the china of the man's skin. His eyes were wide open, and Dee barely bit back a scream. He was no rookie, but he had never had a corpse look at him, not like this one was. The eyes were like two gems, a sapphire and an emerald set in broken porcelain. The eyes weren't just open; they were alive and staring, as cracked lips moved silently. Dee could see no wound. He felt frozen for a moment, pined by the man's gaze, by his surreal beauty. Then the man moaned.

"Holymarymutheragod." Dee whispered. "Hang on buddy, your going to be okay, I'm the NYPD.' Dee crouched down taking the mans hand, getting the limp arm around his shoulders, ready to hoist the man out of the tub so he could find where he was bleeding from.

"He…. has…knife." the victim whispered as Dee lifted him.

"Don't worry my partner has him secured." Dee pivoted, and laid the long body of the man out on the shower curtains, so he wasn't laying face down in his own blood. Dee couldn't restrain his groan this time as the movement caused the flesh of the mans back to separate, so Dee could see the knobs of his spine. The man didn't make a noise. "Holy hell… hang on buddy… Drake we need EMS right the FUCK now!" Dee shouted to his partner, pulling some thick towels from a shelf placing them on the man's back, then kneeling on him, trying to stop the flow of blood.

              
The man under him didn't even groan, and Dee looked down alarmed, pinching the man's bruised cheek hard. "Stay the hell awake, you aren't gonna die on me. No way in hell. You've got help, don't make me regret giving it." Dee growled. "What's our name?"

"Dying…. will…and testament." He moaned. "My…partner…. Joshua Miller…. Attacked me…when I tried…tried to leave…. after… years…or abuse… used a knife…"

"Nope, I'm not accepting it, because you aren't going to die. You hear me? What is your name?" Dee asked again, his heart still pounding, this man was too far gone to live… there was no way… but Dee wouldn't give up, not yet. He was still talking… if he could keep him talking.

The hand like a dead fish rose off the shower curtain, touching the golden crucifix that had fallen free from Dee's shirt, where he bent over the John Doe to look him in the eyes when he spoke.

"You…Catholic?" 

"Yeah, raised by nuns. Don't get much more Catholic then that.' Dee replied quickly, smoothing dark, bloody hair back from a translucent brow.

"Know…last rites?"

"Yeah, but the fuck if I am performing them. I am not going you an excuse to die. If you die on me you deserve to wait in purgatory for a while." Dee replied, pressing his knee into the mans back harder, leaning over further, his forearms on the curtain, framing both their heads, where their foreheads almost touched like lovers. "Don't give up yet. You had the balls to leave him, you were leaving him, you must have nuts the size of basketballs. I saw the rest of the apartment; you did everything you could. What's your name?"

"John Doe." Black lashes fluttered as his eyes closed again.

"No! Stay awake! You will not die on me." Dee whispered, his own green eyes never leaving the mismatched ones across from him. "You are way to handsome to die. Man, if I wasn't holding your spine in with my knee I would ask for your phone number." Dee teased desperately, smiling a little. And he could see it, under the swelling, the lumps on the man's angular face, under the blood.

"What's…name…?"

"What's my name? Officer Dee Laytner."

The man nodded and took a wet breath. Dee sat up a little. "Drake where the FUCK are the paramedics, I'm loosing him!"

"Him?" Drake called back from the next room, keeping an eye on the suspect. "They are held up in traffic!" 

"You hear that beautiful? Helps on the way. You just need to hang in there a little longer. You got any family we need to get a hold of?"

There was a slight shake of his head, a gray tongue slipped out to try and wet equally gray lips. "No…no…no one." 

"Fuck that, everyone has some one. Hell I've been a fucking orphan my whole life and even I have someone. Hey, stay awake, keep talking."

"No one."

Dee swallowed, closing his own eyes, trying to regain professional distance. What was it about this man that had just…sucked him in…on a very personal level…he felt like he was sustaining a friend, or a partner… a real person… not…not just a victim. He leaned down again so he was practically forehead-to-forehead with the man.

"Why won't you give me your name? It won't be hard for me to find out anyway." Dee asked softly, taking the man's hand in his own when he reached out again, folding icy fingers in his own. 

"Because I am going to die."

"Nope. Not gonna let ya.' Dee shrugged. "Sorry, it's just not in my agenda for the night. I got stuck with the fucking third shift; you are not going to make my night worse by croaking on me. You know how much more fucking paper work there is when someone dies?"

The John Doe sighed, and then started to shiver uncontrollable. Dee wasn't sure if he was cold or going into convulsions. He grabbed more towels, placing some over the soaked through ones under his knee, the rest he draped over his body as he finally, finally started to hear sirens in the distance.  "You hear those handsome? You just need to hang on a little longer." Dee cajoled. He couldn't let this man die. 

"Pray with me…?" The John Doe croaked, his fingers spasming in Dee's.

"That I can do… you know the rosary, handsome?" Dee smiled a little as the man nodded weakly. He fished his rosary from his pocket, and put it in the man's cold hand, helping him finger the beads. "Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with thee. Bless art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus Christ, Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen." 

John's lips moved along with Dee's but he made no sound. The sirens were pulling up in front of the building. Dee prayed desperately, squeezing his eyes shut. 

_"Please God, please… Mary… protect this man, I know he can make it, with just a little help, please."_

_"_Sé do bheath' a Mhuire, atá lán de ghrásta, tá an Tiarna leat. Is beannaithe thú idir mná agus is beannaithe toradh do bhruinne losa. A Naomh Mhuire, a mháthair Dé, guí orainn na peacaithe, anois is ar uair ar mbás. Amen." Johns voice was barely audible, and Dee recognized the cadence if not the words, the man was still praying. Maybe he had found a will to live, Dee could only pray it was true. 

It took another two Hail Mary's before the medics careened into the bathroom with a stretcher. "In here you slow ass bastards, Jesus Fucking Christ on a Cracker! Do I need to light your Asses on fire to get you moving this man is dying!"

"No, I figured it was a tea party we were being called out to. What's the deal?" Dee got off the man's back. 

"He's been sliced straight down his back, his fucking spine is showing." Dee got his hands under the man's arms, helping lift him onto the stretcher. 'He won't give a name. He has lost a lot of blood." Dee knelt down so he was eye level with John Doe again, taking the hand that held the rosary. "Take it with you there beautiful, I think Mother will understand." Dee bent and kissed the man's forehead, before making the sign of the cross on it. "God bless…. I will pray for you." Dee whispered.

"What is he, your fuck bunny? Christ, Laytner! all you fags are alike." One of the medics mumbled. Dee ignored it, watching as they rushed the John from the bathroom and down the stairs on the stretcher, praying he would live. 

Authors Note: Sorry that this chapter is short, but again I felt it was appropriate. Bear with me, the next chapter will come out in a few days and it will all make sense. Sorry if this isn't as well betaed as the last I was to impatient to go through the proper channels ^_^;


	7. Let Go and Trust

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ^_^; 

Delicate

Chapter Seven: 

Let Go and Trust

By: Irish

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Oh my god." Ryo said softly, his eyes riveted on the impressively small heap that Lyn made under a soft throw blanket. "Oh my god I can't imagine…1996 that was only…seven years ago." The detective could hardly believe that this was the man who his partner had saved, just seven years ago[1]. 

"Hey…. It's okay… I mean… for me that was a lifetime ago… I… barely remember who I was back then…" Lyn offered a very small, very wan smile. He had curled up in the large chair while he spoke, taking frequent sips of his tea as he went hoarse. Now his hands were folded politely over his legs, which were folded up under him.

"It's not okay… I mean… and Dee doesn't remember?" Ryo was stunned, his tea completely forgotten.

"Well, I am sure he remembers, I mean, he was very…caring, and sent some nuns he knew to visit me in the hospital… but I doubt he knows it was me. I mean… like I said, I was sitting right next to you and you didn't even see me as the man in the picture." Lyn shrugged a little, offering another small smile.

"Lyn… god… wow… how long were you in the hospital?"

"Um, about six weeks… you saw the photos… I had to be kept practically back boarded so I didn't pull on the staples. My only visitors were the three nuns that came in, once a week, all six weeks. Sister Mary Thomas, Sister Mary Joan, and Sister Mary Lane."

"Sister Mary Lane?" Ryo sat up abruptly. "That's Dee's mother… well his Penguin…his… the woman who raised him." Ryo's shock was growing by the moment, that Dee's life was so intertwined with Lyn's.

"That doesn't surprise me. I always wanted to… to seek Dee out, to thank him. I would have died if he had not held my hand through that. I was ready to die. But I wouldn't leave someone else with the guilt of my life. But then…after I got out of the hospital… I was just as bad as when Dee found me, in different ways but… I owe Dee a debt and I wasn't about to let the man who had tried so hard to save my life see how little it had been worth… and these last couples years, since Andrew and the girls… Dee is the only person around who saw me at rock bottom. It's hard to look him in the eyes." It was hard to even look Ryo in the eyes, and he stared into his tea, as if divining.

"I don't think he would see it like that…"

"Please don't tell him Ryo… please?"

Ryo sighed softly, knowing Dee would be upset that someone hadn't informed him just who Lyn was when he did find out, but it wasn't his place. "Alright, I won't tell him."

"Thank you… now, please, enough about me. We started this night off talking about you." Lyn wrinkled his noses as his next sip of tea was stone cold, and he set the mug aside, folding his hands neatly again, looking at Ryo expectantly.

"Wh-what do you expect me to talk about, I mean… I have no stories that are even close…."

"About you. About not being gay, and about Dee." Lyn replied ever patient as he sunk deeper into the chair, tucking his hands under the blanket after running his fingers through his hair. "You said that if I could tell you why my words were worth hearing, you would hear them. Now I am asking you to speak."

'Lyn… okay, Listen… I am not gay, all right? I don't like other men, just Dee. I was almost married once, when I had just joined the force. I have had sex with women. Two of them in fact." Ryo sputtered as he swirled his tea adding a little from the pot to reheat it. 

"Okay… so, the number of people who you have had sex with define what your sexuality is? And because you have slept with more women then men, you are, ergo, straight? Am I following so far?" Lyn asked, his tone even, curious, as though they were discussing the logic of foreign policy.

"Well… guess… I mean… I don't know what makes anyone gay or straight… I just know… that I can't be gay. I love Dee but… I want a family." Ryo wrung his hands as he spoke, nervous and unsure.

"And Dee, Bikky, and yourself, are not a family?"

Ryo was starting to get the feeling he shouldn't have gotten into this discussion with a gay lawyer. Lyn was, apparently, very good at asking tough questions. He swallowed. "Um… well okay… yes. Here is the thing though… I want more than Bikky, and I don't want to submit Bikky to having, what, two dads? The poor kid gets teased enough for being café au lait" 

Lyn held up a hand with a small frown. "What was that phrase you just used, café au lait? I don't know what it means in context. I'm sorry, English isn't my first language… sometimes I miss things…"

"Café au lait…um… half black, half white, mulatto…"

"Oh, sorry, please continue." Lyn grinned sheepishly and waved a hand for him to continue. Ryo wondered if the man was starting to get tired, his body language was starting to get slack.

"Um… so… I don't want Bikky to suffer from my chosen lifestyle." Ryo clanked his spoon around the inside of his mug as he stirred tea that was starting to go cold.

"So you feel that being with Dee is a choice? Not that I don't support that, I think that is what make relationships truly meaningful, a choice to be together, as opposed to need." 

"Yeah, it's a choice. I could choose not to be with him. Maybe I should do that now, before things get worse… I do love him Lyn… but I can't… I can't be with him forever because I'm not like that."

Lyn put his feet on the floor and leaned towards Ryo, elbows on his knees. Ryo swallowed, having the feeling he was about to get thrown a curve that he just didn't want to deal with.

"Ryo, if you are so sure that you aren't gay… why have you felt the need to deny it at every turn? I have said I believe you and that you can sleep with whom ever you want, while calling yourself the King of Persia. Yet you tell me again and again, you aren't gay. Just whom are you trying to convince?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryo unlocked the door quietly, not wanting to wake either Dee or Bikky if they were asleep, of course, having left Bikky in Dee's charge, he would be lucky not to find them sitting on the couch drinking coffee and eating chocolate chips out of the bag. _Ah well_, he thought, a_t least when they are being lazy couch potatoes they aren't trying to one up the other._

"Hey, baby."

Ryo jumped about a foot off the ground when Dee spoke. He hadn't really expected him to be up, he and Bikky had left Lyn and Andrew's around ten-thirty, and it was now just after midnight. But Dee was awake, and sprawled on the couch, looking over some field reports.

"Dee! Jesus! Scare me a little why don't you!" But Ryo laughed as he said it, setting his keys on the table by the door as he stepped out of his shoes. "I am surprised you are up, I figured you would be in bed and asleep."

"Nah, I wanted to wait to be sure you got home okay." Dee offered a roguish, but tired, smile. He set the reports aside and opened his arms to his partner. "Did you and Lyn have a good talk?"

"What? Oh, yeah, I guess so. He is a tough cookie, did you know that?" Ryo smiled a little as he sat on the edge of the couch, situating himself carefully before laying down half on top of Dee, cheek pressed over his heart.

"Yeah, he seems like a tough bastard when he has to be… despite being a bit effeminate. Was he feeling better?" Dee ran his hands along Ryo's spine, stroking him hand over hand.

"I don't think so, he was pretty under the weather… something about hypoglycemia. You think he is effeminate? I don't know, I mean, I suppose he is gay… I guess that brings with it a certain amount of feminization." Ryo shrugged. "But let me tell you, I would never, ever want to be cross examined by that man."

Dee frowned a little… damn Ryo… could the man not go two hours without making some derogatory statement about homosexuality? "Andrew is gay too you know… and he makes me look like a pussy. He bench-pressed Bikky… fourteen reps…. then bench pressed me fourteen reps."

"What?" Ryo laughed. "He bench pressed you and Bikky? What the heck were you three doing?"

It was Dee's turn to chuckled as he shook his head. "Oh man, you don't even want to know… see… Andrew and Bikky and I were hanging out, relaxing, just shooting the shit. Andrew got up to get us some hot chocolate, and you know, his legs aren't so good, so he lifted himself onto the couch from the floor, and I swear he didn't even use his legs…well Bikky saw him flex and was impressed…and asked how much he could lift." Dee was still chuckling and shaking his head as he recalled the evening.

"That boy… I don't think he understands that you don't just ask people whatever is on your mind." But Ryo was laughing softly as well, glad that Bikky had such active curiosity.

"Nah, Andrew doesn't mind. Besides, at least he asks, and doesn't just assume things. Anyway, Andrew told him that he max pressed about two hundred and ten pounds, because he used to have to move from his wheel chair to the bed and stuff without using his legs at all. Bikky didn't believe him…. so first Andrew proved it by bench-pressing Bikky, to warm up… then me. I weight about 170 or so…"

"And he reped you fourteen times!' Ryo's jaw sagged. "Holy hell… I am lucky to do fourteen reps at a hundred and twenty."

"Don't feel bad, I'm not much better…  moral of the story, Andrew is about as butch as you get and still be able to think, so don't go assuming Lyn is effeminate because he is gay… he could be those things independently of each other." Dee sighed when it came out sounding like a public service announcement, he wasn't sure how much more queer bashing he could take from his partner and lover before saying something fatal… like pointing out that Ryo has several very feminine qualities himself, like a intense need to procreate, a good hand with children, being sensitive, being a good cook, and being anal retentive… and prone to wearing aprons in the kitchen. 

"Well…don't you think that… I don't know…we play gender roles, even when we're in same sex relationships?" Ryo's tone was speculative, theoretical, and Dee tried very, very hard to keep his own tones neutral. Ryo was just feeling his way in the dark, and Dee needed to respect that. He found it incredibly ironic to be discussing these things at all, before Ryo he had never though about his sexuality, never thought about what it meant. He slept with anyone who was willing and over the age of consent, being bi was just logical. I mean, he slept with as many men as women, in fact… probably a few more men then women. He had never, ever been political about it. Never. And here he was worrying about stereotypes, and heterosexism, and words he had never heard of until Lyn had given that talk at the precinct. 

"I guess I've never really thought so. Or maybe I have and didn't realize it. I mean, no I don't think Lyn is the women and Andrew is the man, or that one of us is a woman and should do 'women's things' you know, that cooking and cleaning should be one of our jobs over the others. We are partners; equals… but I think when I have been in relationships with women… I have expected them to cook and clean, while I bring home the proverbial bacon. So I think that we respond to our gender roles, irrelevant of our preference, I suppose." 

"Wow… you know… I have never heard you talk like that before, baby." Ryo raised his head off Dee's chest to look at him, smiling, before kissing his chin.

"Talk like what?" Dee looked down at him, stroking his hair lightly.

"I don't know, like… really deep like that." 

"Oh… well, I suppose its probably because I sound like a retard when I try to say smart things, so I skip the smart things and go straight to the retard part." Dee shrugged, letting a curl of Ryo's hair twine around his finger.

"Dee… you're not retarded. You are really smart when you try to be. I think that if you were a little more confident in your own intelligence… maybe you would surprise yourself.' Ryo frowned, he hated when Dee talked down about himself like that. Partly because he hated to hear the self abuse, but even more so because by setting his own expectations so low, Dee would never really grow beyond what he was, and use all that he could be.

"Nah. You ready for bed, baby? I'm still really tired." Dee closed the subject off to discussion fluidly, a trick he had learned at the orphanage. When things got uncomfortable, or you were about to get in trouble, misdirect them. Of course that had been easier with the nuns… there had been two dozen other children to watch after. 

"Yeah, you shouldn't have waited up for me, baka." Ryo gave his chest a playful swat as he climbed off his lover and gave him a hand up, leading him back to the bedroom. "Hey, you know what?" Ryo asked softly, pinning Dee in the doorway when they made to pass into the bedroom, smiling at his lover.

"No, what? And if you say chicken butt, I'm gonna hand cuff you to the bed." Dee returned, his own smile gentle.

"I love you, Dee Laytner."

"And I love you, Ryo McLean, now come on." Dee bent at the knees and lifted Ryo into his arms, carrying him to bed as he kicked the door shut behind them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So tell me, Laytner… exactly what have you contributed to the Meat hook Murderer investigation, because from where I am sitting it looks like Randy has written up every single report, signed every piece of evidence submitted, and probably done all the leg work." Rose looked at Dee over the rims of his glasses, his eyes hard as coffin nails. Dee tried not to squirm in his seat, but he wasn't sure his ego could take another blow. Though the intensity of his worry over his relationship with Ryo had lessened over the last two weeks, Ryo's constant 'I'm not gay' comments were eating away at his security. The endless parade of justifications of why he couldn't possibly be gay was even worse. Heterosexist, if not out right homophobic… and then there were these damn Meat Hook murders. It was all starting to get under his skin…very deeply.

"Berkley… listen… I am going to go out on a limb here and talk to you like you are a compassionate person. I have been doing my job. Take my word for it, just this once, just this once, give me the benefit of the doubt, because if you give me a dressing down right now, I'm not sure how I would react, and I would really, really rather not get fired." 

Rose sat back in his desk chair; eyebrows raised as he steepled his fingers in front of his face. Laytner had never, ever, spoken so frankly, revealed any weakness or insecurity. And no matter how much he despised the man, he wouldn't blatantly ignore what had basically been a plea of clemency.

"Alright, Laytner. I won't say another word on two conditions. First, file your own damn reports, second, you are taking the rest of the day off. Use it to fix whatever the hell your problem is and come back tomorrow." 

Dee let go of a breath he had been holding, feeling somehow worse for asking to avoid the reprimand. He should have just taken it like a man. He had implied with his words, that he would haul off and strike his superior. But the truth was, if Rose dressed him down like he usually did, giving him less respect then a drill sergeant gave a green horn recruit, he probably would have cried. 

"Right. Will do. Thank you, sir. Really." Dee stood and escaped quickly, not giving Rose time for any parting shots. When the door was shut behind him, he leaned back against it rubbing his temples. What was wrong with him? It was like he was already grieving for the loss of his relationship with Ryo… when things were… well a bit forced, but mostly status quo. But he had never, never doubted himself this much in his life. He doubted his ability to cope with the eventual break up Ryo implied every time he said he wanted kids and a wife… doubted his ability to be a good enough lover to keep Ryo, doubted every word he said, walking on egg shells around the man, afraid he would drive him away. And now… he doubted his value as a detective. Yup. He needed a personal day.

He took a deep, steadying breath before heading back to the closet he shared with Ryo, a benefit of their new, larger precinct, and owing to their impressive arrest record, and even higher conviction rate.

"Hey, what did Rose want?" Ryo asked, not looking up from his laptop as he tapped away at the keys with impressive speed.

"To chew my ass then give me a personal day." Dee said with a shrug as he slipped on his leather jacket. It was a little warm for it, but too cool for just a shirt. 

"A personal day?" Ryo looked up at Dee looking him over. "Wow… you do look ragged… is it just today, or have I really been that oblivious?" Ryo looked over the rim of his glasses, not unlike Rose.

'Nah, we've just been working this case like a mo'fo. We've both been absorbed. I don't think I will look a gift horse in the mouth though, and take my personal day, I've been wanting to get over to the orphanage… and maybe I will snag Bikky and take him out to lunch, you know, just shoot the shit a bit." Dee managed a small smile.

"Alright, but, I want you over at my place for dinner, we need to talk, okay? And if you hide in your apartment, I will track you down."

"Will do. Don't work too hard, baby, and if you need me, my pager will be on, I'm keeping the cell phone off though. Nothing more embarrassing than having your phone ring in Mass. Love you." He bent and kissed Ryo quickly before slipping from the office, not surprised that Ryo didn't call out the door that he loved him back. Then others might know. 

Dee took the subway to the orphanage, but got off several stops early, walking the last ten blocks or so, hoping the fall air would clear his mind. He paused in front of the Ma & Pa grocery store that he had been patron to since he was about five years old. He had shoplifted from this place for the first time when he was five. A pack of gum, as he recalled. He had done almost all his grocery shopping here since be had been hired by the NYPD, both for his donations to the orphanage, and his own personal groceries. He had twelve years of shopping to make up for.

From inside Mr. 'Pa' Jacobs was waving to him. Dee offered a smile that he hoped looked sincere as he went in. 

"Well hello there, young squire. What brings you by today?" 

Dee wondered to this day how Mr. Jacobs never caught him and his friends. He had to know every time that they came in he would end the day a few candy bars poorer. The man, though Dee reckoned he must be at least eighty, was still as alert as most cops. And by the way he handled his broom, no slouch in the physical department either.

"I'm headed over to St. Chris's, I'm gonna stop by for groceries for Penguin on Sunday, but I wanted to get some candy for the rugrats. What you got that comes cheap in bulk?" Dee grinned. He knew what it was like to live in the orphanage, and the Sisters tried very hard to make life as normal and human as possible, the fact was, when he was a kid, and to this day, the children of St. Chris's roamed the alleys like packs of hungry dogs, friendly hungry dogs, but still dogs. And Candy was a rare treat.

"Well, let me see." Mr. Jacobs offered Dee a smile before turning to look at the jars of candy he kept behind the counter. "What do kids eat these days, Dee? You know, no one has had the cahuna's to shoplift from me since your pack, but you were always good boys, you only ever stole candy and soda, and I know how hard it is for you kids." The man shook his head gently; he had lived and worked three blocks from St. Christopher's Home for Children for fifty years. 

"Um… how about taffy, individually wrapped is a good plan… um…" Dee gazed over the jars of candy that had filled so many of his dreams as a boy; the good stuff had always been behind the counter. "And some licorice." He hadn't bought a candy bar since Arnon died. Paranoid or not, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Good choices." Mr. Jacobs agreed as he started filling little brown bags with the requested items, tucking all of them in a bigger brown grocery bag. "You are good to those kids, Dee. You were always Mother Mary Lane's favorite."

"Yeah, I always said she had poor taste." Dee shot back grinning a little, running a hand through his jet hair, trying to get it to behave properly. "Mr. Jacobs… I gotta ask. You knew we were shoplifting. You knew every time we came in here we left with our pockets full… but you never stopped us…" The detective watched the old man fill another bag of taffy, a small smile turning his lips, his gray eyes not leaving their task.

"Dee… I never had kids of my own, and the Missus and I never adopted. You kids, over at St. Chris's were sort of like our children, we watched generations of you grow up… and we knew how very, very little you got. No sweets, old broken second hand toys… but none of you ever complained. You stole because… kids need sweets as much as they need love, I think. It's what makes the hard edges soft. We donated food when we could… but we could always write up the losses for your shoplifting, we didn't lose that much money. And it gave you kids something that every kid should have."

Dee couldn't help but stare at the man. Such an odd…and random act of total kindness, and such an understanding of what life was like from the reams of orphaned children that filled St. Chris's… It was unexpected.     

"Thank you, Mr. Jacobs. Thank you. Here." Dee laid a bill on the counter, knowing the approximate total the candy would come to, and knowing that the fin he left on the counter would cover the cost, nearly twice over. He scooped up the grocery sack and ducked out the door before Mr. Jacobs could protest. 

He made it another block towards the orphanage before he heard a child's voice calling his name happily. It took less than three minutes for him to be swarmed over by the twenty or so children that were old enough to be playing on the streets and in the alleys, but young enough so they didn't have to prove how tough they were.

"Devil must have turned his back for a minute if all you lot are out." Dee teased kneeling down to be at eye level with the wee ones.

"Nah, Penguin just had to patch up Nick, he hit his head jumping off a dumpster." One of the kids called.

"What did you bring us, Dee?" Another asked, the smallest of the kids only about six climbed up on Dee's knee.

"Well let's see…. I have candy for _good_ children… but it looks like I will have to take all of it home…" Dee grinned as he fished in the bag, and started handing out the taffies and licorice sticks by the handfuls to the ones gathered around him.

"Dee, did you catch any bad guys?"  
            

"Dee, guess what? We found a kitten and Mother Mary Lane let us keep it. It sleeps in the dryer."

"Dee, Dee, one of the big boys, Raphe, ran away! Mother says that he is gonna get brought back by the cops, are you going to bring him back?" 

Dee answered question after question, eventually just sitting right down on the side walk with the kids, telling them about the bad guys he caught and listening to their harrowing tales of shoplifting and avoiding gang members. Finally he stood, and started to herd them all back towards the orphanage. When he finally managed to get inside, over the protests of the children, he was accosted, though in a very different manner by the older children, to whom he also handed out fistfuls of candy. He finally found the Mother… his mother, in her small office off the main entrance. He slipped in and shut the door behind him quickly with a deep sigh of relief.

"Dee my boy, I wasn't expecting you until Sunday." Penguin said with a mild surprise as she grinned at her slightly harried looking 'son'.

"Yes… well, I will be back on Sunday as well but, I got a impromptu day off, and I thought I would come see you." Dee set down what was left of the candy by her desk as he flopped into the chair across from her. 

"Dee Christopher Jerome, what did you do?" The nun scolded giving him a hard look. "In my experience you only get surprise days off when you have gone against regulations."

"Oh ye of little faith." Dee offered a tired smile. "No, truth of the matter, it's a mental health day. Something that should be mandated for women of the cloth." Dee smirked a little knowing how easy it was to get stressed out working with so many children, with so many problems.

"Remember what I used to do when you sassed off, Mr. Laytner?"

"Make me get down on my knees and say the rosary and actually meditate on the mysteries. I still pull out my rosary and try to remember my prayers when I drop a dish."  Dee smiled again folding his hands behind his head. 

"How are things with you and that handsome gentleman… what was his name, Randy?"

'Yeah, Ryo… um…well that's what the mental health thing is all about I suppose." Dee frowned a little closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Let me get some tea, this sounds like a bit of a story. Have you gone to confession yet?" the nun asked as she heaved herself from the desk chair to move off to the kitchen.

"That's next on my agenda."

~*~*~*~*~*~

"…. So I just don't know what to do any more. Everything I do is wrong, either for me, or for him… I just want to be happy…"

The story had taken longer then Dee expected to tell. The nun had listened closely, not saying a word, just nodding occasionally as her once-boy poured out his heart. That was one of the qualities that charmed her so about Dee. Just when you thought he was a lost cause, he would show you everything that was in his heart… Well, she suspected not everything; Dee was a private person in his own way. Many of the kids she raised were. A lack of personal space seemed to cultivate personalities that held their most important things inside of them. Dee could never be accused of casting his pearls before swine though this thing with Ryo was starting to sound like just that.

She didn't consider Ryo a bad person at all, he was very polite, very tender, when she had met him, and well and soft spoken. But she didn't hold with people hurting her children, especially her Dee, who had suffered enough loss in his young (and at fifty five, thirty was still young) life for three people. First his parents, then Arnon, and any other number of friends and compatriots to gang violence… Jess, several officers he had been close with to the attack on the World Trade Centers… and now it sounded like he was on the verge of losing the little family he had become part of as well. 

"They say suffering brings us closer to Christ… and I think that it can, but I don't think that repetitive loss of those we love brings anyone to God… Dee, honey… I wish I could help you… but I have no advice what so ever. My only relationship has been with God. And its our thirty-fifth anniversary next year, but," She chuckled a little. "we have a long distance relationship."  The Mother relaxed when her little joke earned a laugh from Dee.

"I could be getting all bent out of shape over nothing, maybe he just needs more time. But he has put fear in my heart, and that's a challenge." 

"Oh I doubt that, you don't even fear God." The nun laughed, standing and picking up her teacup. Dee followed suit following her into the industrial kitchen, helping her wash up the few dishes that lay about. 

"Here, let me, I can see your hands are sore today." Dee took the dishtowel from her and started carefully washing the cups. 

"Bless you, Dee… devils horns are holding up your halo."

              
"Hey, something's gotta." Dee smirked.

"You know… I believe God made everyone exactly the way they are for a reason. Bad attitudes and all. Do you still like women, Dee?"

Dee's eyes went wide, and the teacup slipped from his fingers and shattered on the floor. "Oh shit! I'm sorry!" Dee bent to pick up the shards, but clapped a hand over his mouth when the Nun gave him a hard look. "Oh damn!" slipped out despite his best efforts. Naughty language was a weekly confession for Mr. Dee Christopher Jerome Laytner. Mother just shook her head as Dee quickly swept up the pieces, calmly filling the teacup with water as Dee worked. "Man, I'm sorry Penguin. I mean Mother… I can't believe you asked-" He was cut off mid sentence as the prim nun sloshed half a teacup of water in his face.

"I baptize you, Dee Christopher Jerome Laytner in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen." She made the sign of the cross on him before he could open his eyes, then handed him a towel.

"Mother… I've already been baptized… twice!" Dee protested through the towel as he dried his face.

"I know, and one of these times it's bound to take." She grinned, nearly devilishly. Dee blinked at her for almost a full minute, before he burst out in loud peals of laughter that echoed off the kitchen counters and walls. Penguin gave an internal sigh of relief at the sound bubbling from her son, glad that he still had his sense of humor. Time could heal all wounds, as long as you could still laugh.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He spent the rest of the evening helping the nuns prepare dinner, and get the sixty or so children between the ages of one and eighteen, fed, watered and started on homework or to bed. At seven o'clock he crossed the street to St. Joseph the Worker, the Catholic church that was run by the Sisters of St. Chris's counter parts, and where Dee had been baptized, given his first confession, taken his first communion, and had been confirmed, for evening vespers. 

St. Christopher's Academy was attached to St. Johns, and all three of them were really one big entity, the church and school serving the orphanage and the blue collar, salt of the earth folk in the neighborhood. The Brothers came and went more frequently than the Sisters of St. Chris's Home for Children did, the survival of their flock depending less on the consistency of its Shepard's. But the Priest who had baptized, communed, confessed and confirmed Dee still worked there. And Dee knew there would be Confession hours afterwards. None of that Vatican Two crap, just good ol' kneeling and guilt.

Dee dipped the tips of his pointer and middle finger on his right hand in the small font of holy water, genuflecting as he entered. He paused just inside the door and looked around a moment. It would be a very small service, vespers usually were, which was one of the reasons Dee enjoyed it more then the Sunday morning services. He moved as quietly as he could manage down the aisle to the third from the front pew, where he genuflected again before carefully letting down the kneeler with his foot and kneeling down in the pew, folding his hands on the pew in front of him. He had ten minutes before the service started. He reminded himself to be sure to attend church this Sunday and receive communion. It had been over a month. 

Vespers was usually only a half hour long service that was more music then anything. Really, Dee thought, it was just a good excuse for folks to get together and sing a few hymns with the Nuns and Brothers. When the service was over the two dozen or so Sheep that had attended shuffled out, the Shepard's each moving off to their evening duties before bed. Dee returned to his knees on the kneeler for several minutes, deep in thought, giving father McCall time to get back to the confessional and get settled. 

When he looked up again, the light indicating the confessional was open for business was on. He got up from his knees, already pulling his rosary from his pocket. The smooth wooden beads felt even and heavy in his hand. He remembered, only vaguely, a time when they had been brown, now they were nearly black from so much fingering, and not a few bloodstains. He opened the confessional and stepped in inhaling the familiar and comforting scents of incense and pipe tobacco that was Father McCall.

"Forgive me, Father for I have sinned… its been…" He paused a moment to think. "Two months since my last confession."

"Son, I have a feeling God has learned to forgive you on the fly, because he and his Cloistered children alike don't have time to listen to your long lists of sins." The voice with the words was gentle and amused, and slightly gravelly with age. 

"That sounds like the sin of sloth to me, Father." Dee teased back. He couldn't see the Priest's face through the grate, but he knew it was Father McCall.

"Yes, well, I will say a hail Mary later. What is on your mind, my son?" 

'I have no mind… but a lot weighs on my heart."

"Tell me, my Child." 

Dee shifted on the kneeler fingering his rosary beads for comfort. "I feel… fear. I feel fear, Father. My lover…who I wish to spend the rest of my life with, does not feel the same… and he has a boy who I love nearly enough to be my own." Dee spoke softly, but his voice hardened as he said "But I am not confessing the sin of homosexuality, because as I recall its not one of the big ten, and God doesn't make mistakes."

"Remind me to give you a few extra Hail Mary's for the sin of pride." But the Father's voice still held amusement. "You know I don't ask you to confess that… only your excessive promiscuity, which is no longer an issue for you. If your lover leaves you, will he deny you visitation to the boy?"

"No… I don't think so… but I feel like… like it's just one more brick on a load that is already too heavy. I have practically been living with both of them for the last six months. They are my family Father." Dee sighed.

"And God knows you deserve one… Would you like to pray together?"

"Yes… please… it might help." Dee heard the older man shift and grunt as he got down on his kneeler, so he was now face to face with Dee through the grate, his hand coming through the slot in the bottom to hold Dee's as they prayed together.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our Daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. Amen." Dee spoke the prayer softly and from memory as his eyes slipped close, the beads of his rosary feeling hot against his palm.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee…" 

By the time he stepped out of the confessional his knees throbbed from kneeling, but he felt absolved, and more level headed. What would come would come, and even if Ryo did leave him, he still had family, and he still had God… two things that would never change.

Authors Note: Several things this chapter, first the foot note at the beginning. So I did some special math and the actual year that Lyn was attacked is 1996, forgive my math retardation.

Second, I plan to have a new chapter of Standing Outside the Fire out in a week, tops.

Third, I apologize if I got some of the wording wrong in the lords Prayer, I know the Catholic version is slightly different then the Protestant, but I don't know how exactly.

And the lastly I was wondering if any of you would be interested in a sound track for Delicate. Music is a very integral part to how I write and most chapters are at least in part musically inspired, let me know and I will set something up.

  


* * *

[1] Yeah, pardon my special math, it was actually seven years ago when Lyn was 25, a year after e graduated from law school.  So the numbers and dates don't match to previous chapters, it would have actually been 1996.


	8. Worlds Appart

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine. Must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate

Chapter Eight:

Worlds Appart

By: Irish

Ryo's dark eyes scoped in on the target, both hand gripping the glock in proper police stance. He squeezed the double trigger and fired five times in rapid succession. The sound was a dull thump through the huge mufflers on his ears. He didn't enjoy practicing with his glock nearly as much as he did with a rifle, but in his mind that was all the more reason to practice with it. You didn't sniper from the hip, you had your shots set up sometimes over an hour before you ever pulled the trigger. But if you were using your glock it was because you were in serious trouble, now.

He lowered the weapon slowly as the mechanism zipped the painted paper towards him, showing him that three of his shots had hit dead center, a fourth rode the line, and fifth was a little off. Probably the last shot, he guessed. He was used to working one careful shot at a time, and the kickback from multiple shots always bucked his aim up and to the left… albeit only by about three inches… but that could also be the difference between a wound and a kill shot. He took down the paper and set it aside, mounting another before hitting the button to send it back.

He took ten careful shots this time. Nine out of ten in the center, two sharing a hole. He was having a good day. He thought he would bring this one home, Bikky kept a running tally of his best shots by hanging the targets in his room. Ryo only allowed him to keep one up at a time, and the one currently up on the wall had been there long enough that it was starting to fade. When the sheet returned to him he rolled it carefully. It was nice to know his son was proud of him.

He handed his gun across the counter for his ammo to be counted. Every bullet had to be accounted for, at all times. Once counted and recorded it was handed back to him and he slipped it into his holster. Not a bad end to his day. Not bad at all. Now if only he could get Dee to show him his specialty shot, not that he would ever have the cahoonas to use it… but damn. Ryo hated guns, at least, hated the idea of anyone but cops having them. He didn't think they were cool, he would never own one that wasn't work related. He thought the current translation of the second amendment was a joke… but Dee's claim to fame… was just too cool for even him to resist. Dee could shoot two guns at once, like some old west bandit, and accurately. At least, as accurately as he was with one hand, and fifth in the department wasn't bad at all.

Ryo moved slowly up the steps to his shoebox office, drawing on his light jacket and gathering a handful of files and tucking them under his arm before shutting off the lights and meandering from the station. With any luck Dee's day off had gone well… he had been looking so drawn, so tense lately. The man actually looked like he was pushing thirty, instead of the eternal just-out-of-college persona that seemed to follow him. In fact it gave him some satisfaction that in another month Dee _would _be thirty, not just pushing it. For two months out of the year they were the same age, and Ryo planned to milk this one, as Dee to this day still called him 'old geezer' since he had hit the big three-o.

His subway trip home was filled with thoughts of birthday presents and holiday gifts, trying to figure out how many gifts of jewelry he was allowed to give, and how close to each other… everything else seemed too impersonal… or too personal. The man needed new gloves, and a scarf, he knew that… and both of those things could be found in a hefty enough price range to make a good Christmas gift. A bottle of after-shave… and maybe a new gold chain for his cross, the one currently on his neck was starting to show its age. For his birthday… maybe an ID bracelet…. Underwear or sex anything was just too… too… well Dee would like it too damn much and want to use it on him, damnit.

The subway lurched to a stop and Ryo shifted like a true New Yorker, not even stumbling, or flinching at the sound. It was better then the trains in Japan… where pushing was considered polite. He waited his turn and stepped into the mingled smells of over-powering women's perfume, urine and body odor.

"Ah… New York." He sighed, in an impression of Harrison Ford in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', one of the movies he and Dee both adored. The other two were 'Temple of Doom' and 'Search for the Holy Grail'. He made a mental note to dig out those videos tonight, maybe they would cheer Dee up, and despite being 'old school' Bik loved them too.

He walked through the city, moving easily with the flood of people that scuttled the city sidewalks, another sheep in the herd. He always wondered what would happen if the crowd didn't break for 'don't walk' signs, that if someone would eventually stop, or if the crowds would just flow like water from a trampled dam until someone plowed through with a taxi.

There was another scent, under the smell of the city, and it caught Ryo's nose like a hook, dragging him through the crowd to a vender, Indian probably, on the corner. She had a small cart, or at least that's what Ryo assumed was under the brilliant coloring of flowers that left almost nothing of the cart visible.

"Flowers? One rose two dollar, bouquet ten dollar, bouquet roses twenty dollar." She informed him, smiling; obviously relieved that someone had stopped on the busy street.

Ryo looked carefully over the cart… could you give flowers to a male lover? Dee had given him flowers once… a mistake he hadn't repeated… Ryo had nearly ripped his balls off. Ryo suspected Dee might appreciate the gesture, but not roses. Dee had brought him a dozen roses that time… a gift for a woman. Ryo scanned the flowers, touching a petal here and there. A single rose? No… too sexy, this wasn't supposed to be a sex appreciation gift… finally he laid eyes on a small bouquet of lavender, tied with a deep blue ribbon. Those. Dee would like those. Ryo picked them up with tender hands fishing a ten out of his pocket and handing it to the woman, shuffling his files so he could carry them with out damaging them.

The apartment was still silent when he entered, and that was okay with him. There was a note from Bikky on the table, saying he was at the arcade with Cal. It perturbed him slightly that there was no note, or voicemail from Dee. Dee always called. Even on the rare occasion Dee was at his own apartment for a full twenty-four hours in a shot, he would call just to let Ryo know he was going out for a beer or whatever. The detective had repeatedly told his partner that there was no need to check in with him, but Dee didn't stop… it was almost like he _wanted_ Ryo to keep tabs on him. Ryo on the other hand only told Dee where he was if he was running late for a specific appointment.

That had been their first fight as a couple. It came back to Ryo with a sort of sinking feeling in his gut as he laid the flowers on Dee's pillow. Not because it had even been that big of a fight… but because he was starting to see a pattern to how they fought.

_ "I just went out to dinner with a friend, why the hell do you care where I was? Can't I go out with friends?!"_

_ "Of course you can, I was just worried, I don't care where you go, just tell me. If you called me and told me you were going to a whorehouse I wouldn't say a word, I just want to know you're okay!" Dee hadn't quite shouted the words, but his voice had risen with a sort of desperation._

_ "What the fuck, Dee, its nine at night, the sun has barely set, I am a _cop_, what do you think was going to happen to me!" Ryo on the other hand, was shouting… well… apartment shouting. A loud enough voice to let Dee know that he wanted to shout, but not loud enough for the neighbors to hear his words. _

_ "I check in with you!"  
  
_

_ "That is _your_ choice! How many times do I have to tell you _don't_ check in with me, I am not your keeper! Don't be a controlling asshole, I won't accept that."_

_ "I'm _not!_ You aren't listening, I just want to know you are safe!"_

_ "You want to know where I am at all times!"_

_ Dee sighed softly sitting down on the bed, rubbing his face. "Fine… you're right. I am sorry. I won't ask you to let me know… just do me a favor and tell me if you leave town for a few nights, okay?"_

_ Ryo shrugged. "If I want to." His words had been bitter, one last jibe, what right did Dee have to demand to know where he was, that was abusive, right?_

Now on the receiving end, of not having Dee exactly where he expected him to be, he was starting to understand how such a little thing could cause worry. Odd that Dee had given in so quickly on it… then again, despite being more stubborn then a drunk Irish mule, Dee didn't like to fight, a lot like Bikky actually. Both put up a token defense, but whenever Ryo really asserted himself… they backed down… how odd.

Dee walked into the house to the smell of Thai food. A smile sprung on his lips like sun on a snow bank, suddenly. Thai food, their first real date… the second time they made love. The important time, in Dee's opinion. The time Ryo had made an actual choice, not just given consent.

Bikky was sprawled on the floor, feet swinging in the air in time to the rabid gutter punk music that spewed from the headphones over his ears. His biology book was in front of him. Dee crouched down and ruffled the boy's hair before kicking off his shoes and moving into the kitchen.

Ryo was on tiptoe, reaching well over his head for the chopstick rests that matched the rice bowls already on the table. He was still just too short, his fingertips grazing the glazed stoneware. Dee moved up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist, and holding him tightly, as Dee raised himself on his tiptoes, body sliding along Ryo's. Dee's fingers overlapped Ryo's hand as he reached that extra couple inches, fingertips flicking the stacked ceramic leaves off the shelf and into his palm, and in turn, placing them in Ryo's palm, as he started to nibble on Ryo's neck.

"We should get you a step stool." Dee whispered, breath against his lover's neck.

Ryo had tensed initially, surprised at Dee's sudden presence, but now he relaxed, letting Dee draw down his arm, and engulf him in a warm over-the-back hug. "Did you have a good day?" Ryo asked softly, loving Dee intensely in that moment. It was those little things, those little thoughtful gestures that made Ryo weak in the knees over this man. He would bet his badge there were very few men who would come in the door and be so affectionate unless they wanted sex. Not that Dee wouldn't take sex, he was always ready for that, but not every touch from the man was sexual.

"I did, actually. Sorry I am so late, I went to vespers, and stayed for confession. You got Thai." Dee's voice was low and warm, and he smelled of incense from the service, and fall leaves.

"I'm glad, you have really been dragging. I did get Thai for us, I thought we could eat, and have an Indian Jones marathon, maybe make some popcorn later, I need to brief you on some stuff, but it can wait… I did a lot of desk jockeying today." Ryo stroked his hands over Dee's arms. "Go change into something comfy, dinner will keep." Ryo smiled tilting his head back to steal and awkward kiss, smiling when they bumped noses, and Dee proceeded to Eskimo-kiss him.

"Okay, in a minute, I've got my hands full." Dee smiled, running his hands over Ryo's stomach and hips before stepping back and releasing him. He paused a moment at the door of the kitchen, turning back to Ryo and offering him a smile that was so sweet Ryo felt his heart stop. "Thank you for caring."

"You're welcome." Ryo smiled back. From anyone else those words would have been callous and sarcastic, but when accompanied with that smile, they were wonderful and sincere, and made Ryo want to join his partner in the bedroom and kiss him until he couldn't breathe and spend the entire night cuddling him.

The Thai and movies went better than Ryo could have dreamed. The two gutter punks that he loved most didn't exchange a single insult, and Bikky didn't even make gagging noises at Ryo's cuddliness with Dee. They spent the entire evening on the couch, spooned like kittens, with Bikky on the floor beside them, exchanging soft kisses and tender caresses under blankets when Bik was deeply engrossed in the movie. By the time they went to bed, Ryo was definitely in the mood.

Dee had been extremely touched by the flowers, as he had never received any before. Not even when he had a fairly lasting relationship with another man (six months had been his longest) his partner had never seen fit to give him flowers. He had immediately put them in a vase and they were now resting in a vase on the windowsill. He rather hoped they meant Ryo had amorous intentions, and did what he could to encourage that. He knew the hours of couch cuddling was almost a sure bet, cuddling and innocent touching were always sure to turn Ryo's crank. And honestly, Dee was learning just how arousing they could be.

After Bikky was herded to bed, Ryo returned to where Dee was still sprawled on the couch, crawling up along his body and laying down on top of him with a soft noise of contentment. "How are you feeling, love?" He stroked the sable locks off of Dee's brow, carding his fingers through them.

"Hmmm…you want the 'PG' version, or the 'R' version?" Dee chuckled giving a sultry grin as he ran his hands down Ryo's spine.

"Oooh, sounds interesting, how about both?"

"Alright, well the "PG" version is that I am extremely content and relaxed for the first time in a week. The 'R' version is that I am also very interested in carrying you to bed, stripping you down and making slow love to you for half the night… then washing you down in the shower and having another round of slow love. What do you think?" Dee's green eyes glimmered like emeralds under light.

"Hmmm…. Slow love for half the night? What if I want it fast and hard?" Ryo teased smiling down at him, their foreheads resting together.

"What ever you want ,baby, the Dee machine is here to please." Dee grinned, stroking Ryo's back, and knowing that Ryo definitely wanted it nice and slow. He knew his lover well enough to know that.

"Oh well, I suppose we can do it slow, since you asked so nicely." Ryo's voice was teasing as he ran the back of his hand lightly over Dee's cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too Ryo." Dee leaned up and kissed him softly, a light nibbling at his

lips that he slowly deepened until their tongues were twining. Their hands caressed and stroked, sliding over muscle and flesh. Dee wondered in the back of his mind if this time would be like every other time, if Ryo would stop touching him once the clothes came off, or if maybe, this time, he could make Ryo want it enough to touch him, to reciprocate foreplay. But as Dee's hands slid under Ryo's shirt to rub his chest and find his nipples, Ryo's hands went to his shoulders, and stayed there. Dee sighed softly, sitting up carefully, shifting until Ryo was in his lap, and then standing, lifting Ryo up into his arms.

Ryo wasn't light, in fact, Dee figured if the man weighed another ten pounds or so this wouldn't be possible, but as it was, Dee could carry him the short distance from the couch to the bedroom without breaking a sweat, though it was close. Dee lay his lover down on the bed, stripping off his own shirt before crawling in beside him, and laying claim to his mouth.

Clothes were discarded, all removed with Dee's hands, a small pile forming next to the bed until they were both naked and panting. The small pinprick in Dee's heart that had formed out on the couch when Ryo's hands came to rest on his shoulders, had slowly widened as passion was slowly stoked, and Ryo's hands, at best, stroked across his back. It was nice to be touched, even in that way, but it wasn't enough.

Dee had been teasing one hard nipple with the tip of his tongue when he realized he couldn't be satisfied with this one-way version of foreplay. He looked up slowly, taking in the way Ryo's head was thrown back, the way he was panting, as he inched up to lay beside him again, cupping his cheek lightly to get his attention.

"Ryo?" his voice sounded breathy and intense even in his own ears. It took a moment for Ryo to open his eyes.

"Hmm?"

"Ryo… please… touch me?" He asked softly. Ryo blinked at him a moment, then gave a small chuckle.

"I am touching you."

"No… Ryo… touch me like I am touching you." Dee found his heart pounding in his chest so hard that it took the breath from his lungs, he and Ryo locked eyes, and he saw a look he hadn't seen in a while. Ryo's patented deer in the headlights look.

"I-I don't know how."

Dee knew bullshit when he heard it. Having sex was one of the few instincts man still had, and one that was there no matter who you were having sex with. "Just touch me the way you want to be touched…"

Ryo licked his lips and looked away. "Dee…"

If it had at any point occurred to Dee that Ryo would honestly refuse to touch him

intimately, he would have never said anything. Slowly the hurt that had been growing in him blossomed more fully into a deep-seated nausea.

"Ryo… what… what? I am good enough to get you off but not good enough for you to reciprocate?"

"It's not like that at all, Dee! I touch you all the time." Ryo protested, his hands brushing over Dee shoulders to prove it.

"Really? When's the last time you had your hand on my dick, and through my pants doesn't count." Dee's voice trembled a little, so did the arm that propped him up.

"I…um… well…"

"My bare chest? My hips, my nipples? In fact have you ever touched me somewhere that wasn't my back, skin to skin? Have you ever managed any foreplay but kissing? Have you ever had your mouth lower then my neck?"

"Dee? I…I'm sorry, okay… I'm just…I just…" Ryo shook his head, and bit his lip, how had this gone south so fast? He could see the genuine hurt in Dee's eyes.

"I can't do this, Ryo." De said, shaking his head as he got up from the bed.

"Dee…" Ryo propped himself up on his elbows, his brow furrowed, watching as Dee searched for his clothes. "Where are you going?"

"Home. I'm going home. I can't do this any more. I can't just…just…keep loving you, keep pouring all I am into this, when you just suck and suck, and tell me that you aren't gay, you want a wife, and children. This relationship has been over since it started. I can't have my heart broken again and again, every day." Dee had found his clothes and struggled into them as he spoke.

"Dee! What are you talking about?" Ryo sat up quickly, watching Dee's jerky movements. "I love you! What do you mean this relationship has been over since it started?!"

"No, Ryo, you don't love me. I'm finally starting to understand that. If you loved me, you wouldn't already be planning a future without me. You would want me in your future. But you don't. Every time you say you love me, it comes with a 'but'. You can't stand to touch me. Fuck, Ryo! I'm done! Good luck with your perfect life. Call me if you need manual labor for your white picket fence." Dee turned and tried to storm from the room, but he could only managed a defeated slouch. He had planned to go straight out the door, but Bikky stood in the middle of the living room, in just his boxers.

"Dee…?" He half whimpered, looking up at him, blue eyes wide. "Where are you going?"

"Bikky…" Dee stopped, kneeling down in front of the boy, putting his hands on his naked shoulders. "I'm going home."

"You're not coming back are you?" Bikky's eyes glistened with gathering tears.

"I don't plan to, tiger. You can still come see me though, all right? You're still my best bud, okay?" He rubbed Bikky's arms.

"I don't want you to go." Bikky whispered, throwing his arms around Dee. Dee hugged him tightly, kissing the side of his head.

"It will be okay." He gave him an extra squeeze, then gently set Bikky away from himself and got to his feet.

"Dee…" Ryo whispered from the bedroom door. "Don't go." His arms were crossed over his bare chest, hugging himself.

"Do you still want to marry a woman?" Dee asked evenly, his whispered voice rough.

"Yes…" Ryo choked, the first few tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Good bye, Ryo." He turned on a heel, he couldn't look at Bikky, looking so young and skinny in only the street light from outside, his hands balled into fists at his sides, jaw clenched against his tears. The only sound was his shoes on the linoleum as he walked out the front door.

Bikky turned to look at Ryo slowly, unable to believe what had just happened. He always thought it would be Dee's fault, that Ryo would just give him the boot, but that wasn't how things went down. This had been Ryo's fuck up.

"Why did Dee just leave?" Bikky asked, his voice much smaller than he wished it.

"Because… he couldn't… respect… how I feel…" Ryo managed to choke out, knowing it was a lie as it passed his lips. The truth was he couldn't respect how Dee felt, admit that Dee needed him, and that he was intentionally hurting Dee daily.

"That's bull shit! He would cut his fucking nuts off if you asked him to!" Bikky shouted, breathing hard, literally panting. Dee wasn't coming back.

"Watch your language!" Ryo snapped back. "It's none of your business, alright? Go to bed. I thought you hated him anyway, you wanted him gone."

"Not any more! He was my dad, too!"

"Shut up, Bikky. Go to bed." Ryo said with sudden eerie calm, standing up from the doorframe. "Unless you want to leave with Dee." He gestured to the front door.

Bikky recoiled sharply as if Ryo had reached out and struck him. He had. He hadn't said it directly, but his meaning was clear. If Bikky was going to side with Dee on this, he wasn't welcome here any more. For a wild moment, Bikky thought about throwing on some clothes and running after Dee, see how Ryo liked that! But too much of him was afraid Ryo would like it just fine… and then what? No one in their right minds would let Dee have a kid… Go to St. Jerome's and be an orphan?

"I'm sorry, Ryo…" Bikky all but whispered looking down at his bare toes. "I don't want to go with Dee." Traitor tears slipped down his cheeks and fell onto his feet. "I'm sorry."

Ryo felt physically ill. How could he have said that to Bikky? What the hell was wrong with him? He might have just destroyed all the trust he had built up with Bikky over the years. God, he was such a fuck. He knelt down in front of Bikky as Dee had done a few moments before and drew him into a crushing embrace.

"Bikky… I'm so sorry; I didn't mean that at all. I want you here with me. I love you." He whispered, stroking Bikky's hair, feeling hot wet tears falling onto his bare shoulder. "God… kiddo… I'm sorry…" Ryo held him tight, rocking them a little. His heart thundered in his chest, as Bikky pulled away from him…

"I didn't mean it, I don't even like Dee. He's an ass." Bikky's voice was small and urgent, and made Ryo cringe all the more. Bikky had never talked about being abused, but Ryo suspected he had been, and any suspicions were confirmed in that desperate to appease voice. "Don't send me away."

"Bikky… sweetheart, I would never send you away, never. Never ever. And it's okay, if you like Dee, that's just fine. I know that he has been a big part of your life, both of our lives, for as long as you have been with me. It's okay if he is your dad, too. I think he has a lot of things to offer you that I don't. I'm glad you like him." He kissed the side of the blonde boy's head.

Bikky shook his head, a mute denial, his arms finally coming around Ryo and hugging him hard enough that it almost bruised Ryo's ribs. He was growing up so fast.

"Come on, kiddo. Come here." Ryo stood, lifting the boy. Really, Bikky was way too old to be lifted, and nearly too big, but Ryo managed to pick him up, carrying him to his bedroom. "Spend the night with me."

He set Bikky down on the big bed, sitting down beside him, drawing him into his arms again to rub his back. "I'm sorry. It was so dumb of me to say that. Do you feel like that a lot? Like I might send you away?"

The boy shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Sometimes. I'm so bad all the time… I don't mean to be."

"You aren't bad, Bikky, sometimes you make bad choices, but you aren't a bad person, I think you're pretty nice most of the time. I wouldn't send you away just because you don't make good choices. I love you, kiddo, I'm not just saying that. If you really had walked out with Dee… I don't know what I would have done. It would have broken my heart. Again."

"Why did Dee leave?" Bikky whispered, wanting to know, feeling like his entire world had just been scattered… feeling a lot like he had when his real dad had died.

"I… I don't think he feels like I love him." Ryo replied softly, still rubbing his back.

"But you do love him, don't you?"

"Yes… I do… I just don't know how to handle that." Ryo sighed, starting to feel the first of his own tears, but holding them in check. Bikky didn't need to see him cry.

"Why not? He loves you a lot. He even told me so." Bikky was so grown up in some ways… so young in others. Ryo wasn't sure how to handle it sometimes. He was so competent, he could completely take care of himself, he was streetwise, and had a core of titanium. At the same time… he needed so badly to be reassured, and cuddled and touched. Ryo supposed it was how he had grown up, most of those things were learned by necessity, but he was emotionally malnourished.

"Because… I don't know really… Its just… how I feel." Ryo kissed the soft blonde hair again; smelling the shower Bikky had taken earlier.

Bikky nodded a little, not seeming to need a real concrete answer. Just needing an answer, maybe needing to know if Ryo was even thinking about it. He knew Ryo was upset too, that he would probably cry if he were alone, that Ryo was being strong for him.

"I just want to go to bed." He sighed after clearing his throat, just wanting to be this horrible night to be over, Dee would be back tomorrow…

"Alright, sport… here…" Ryo moved over to the wall, sliding under the covers and patting the bed next to him for Bikky.

Bikky wiped any remaining moisture from his face before crawling under the covers with Ryo, actually relaxing a little when Ryo's arm came around him. It would be okay. It had to be okay.

Authors Note: Yeah its been long in coming, but its here now, and hopefully I will come out with chapters more regularily again for a while. I think I got past what was stumping me here, and finally see the light. Thanks for being so patient and encouraging.


	9. Penance To a Lesser God

Delicate

Chapter Nine:

Penance to a Lesser God

By: Irish

He had lost his fucking mind. That was the only possible explanation, he had simple gone mad. He had just walked out on Ryo, and Bikky, the two people that gave his life meaning, definition. He had just walked out on the two people on the planet who gave a damn about him.

His mind raced frantically back and forth, trying to climb the sides of his skull like a caged animal. Everything he thought told him to turn around and go back, to fall on his knees in front of Ryo and beg for forgiveness, he wasn't worthy. He wasn't. But his feet kept moving. Dee wasn't sure if he could attribute this to his heart or not, the spot in his chest where it should have been was just one large gaping wound, as though someone had reached in and pulled it out, still beating… like in The Temple of Doom. No, it couldn't have been his heart, because somewhere, faintly, from whatever Hindi Shaman's hand it was held in, it screamed.

It was his pride. Pride cometh before the fall, as Mother was so fond of saying. And he had a fuckload of pride. Most of the time it was all he had. He had walked out, and kept walking because it hurt his pride a little too much. Was he so selfish that he needed everything from Ryo? Wasn't now enough? Why did he think he was entitled too a future with Ryo…

He wasn't. He wasn't at all. Because Ryo… Ryo was like some sort of Angel. Oh sure, it was cliché… but it was true. Ryo was so kind, and sweet and gentle. And if Ryo could love him, that had to nominate him for sainthood. He could never think to have Ryo forever. Because good people weren't gay, and good people did all the things Ryo wanted to do, so where the hell did he get off asking for forever? He should take what Ryo gave him and grovel in thanks.

But he couldn't.

And so he kept walking. He walked all the way home in the same fast paced, stiff stride he had left the building in, almost marching. He strode up the stairs, two at a time, to his tenth floor apartment. He unlocked the door with sharp purposeful movements, and shut the door behind him decisively.

Shoes were kicked off, clothing discarded on the way to his bedroom, not needing to turn on the light. He sat down on his bed, and sat stiffly, staring out the window, and the chair underneath, where Ryo's suit had been so carefully laid out the night they had first made love. Or rather, the night Dee had first made love to Ryo. Ryo had just sort of lain there and gripped his shoulders. Not unlike tonight.

How many times had they had sex in the last few months? Maybe twenty times. About once a week. Twenty times was more then enough for Ryo to know how things went, where to touch… Twenty times. Once a week. In fact, if he thought about it… it wasn't always Friday nights, because they didn't always have Saturday off, but it was always the night before a day off. Always at about eleven o'clock, when Bikky had been in bed long enough to be asleep. Christ. Ryo probably fucking wrote it in his day planner '11pm/make w/ Dee'.

Had it been that much of a chore for him? So much a chore that less then six months into the relationship, and they were already scheduling sex like they were an old married couple? But Dee had always gone all out, done everything to always make it the best orgasm Ryo ever had. He knew he couldn't be on a hundred percent all the time…

God but he was a fool.

He had dropped his face into his hands somewhere along the way, and sat there now, elbows on knees, face cupped in hands, tears he didn't know he was shedding coursing from his cheeks into his hands then slowly down his wrists.

What was so wrong with him that Ryo couldn't love him? Couldn't touch him? Dee could think of plenty of reasons why he wouldn't want to love or touch himself, but Ryo wasn't privy to any of that. Then again, maybe he had always just seen right though Dee's thin veneer of obnoxious, vulgar, extroversion to the extremely insecure person inside. Or as Dee saw it, the extremely ugly person inside.

What was it inside of him that drove everyone away? What was so horrible in him that even as an infant, no one wanted him? Something so wrong that nothing he had done, no good deeds, or Hail Mary's, or faith could erase, or at least mask. __

_ 'You're not a good boy… but you're honest'_

He didn't remember climbing under the covers and laying down, but he must have, because that is how he woke, on his side, a hand tucked under his head, the other wrapped around his body. And he did wake, his body anyway, but the poison that had been flowing through him of his own thoughts and words seemed to have killed off something important, but damned if he knew what.

Ryo hadn't been surprised that Dee wasn't at work the next day, and only slightly so the day after that. On the third day he started to worry, the sick feeling that had been in his stomach since that night growing and spreading. When he saw the roster for the next month, the warm churn of nausea spreading through his gut turned to a stone and sunk in his stomach. Dee had every shift that month opposite him. Every single one. Neither of them had been reassigned a partner yet. But if the schedule stayed as it was, it would only be a matter of time.

Ryo passed the first week in a stoners daze. Not that he had taken any drugs, but his body simply continued to perform the actions needed to keep up with his cases at work, keep up with Bikky at home, and all the crap in between. He held out hope that Dee would be back.

The second week, Ryo called in sick twice. Too depressed to do much more then putter about the house aimlessly. He thought to call Dee several times, going so far as to pick up the phone before setting it down again. No. He would wait Dee out. If Dee really loved him, Dee would accept him for who he was.

On the third week, it finally set in. It was over. The schedule for next month looked the same as it had for this month. Ryo found Dee's set of the keys to his apartment, the lockbox they kept their guns in, and his car on his desk one morning. Another he found a couple of shirts, washed and neatly folded, a pair of sox, and a tooth brush with a short note in Dee's chicken scratch 'I think you have some of my clothes. D.'.

It wasn't until the fourth week that Ryo could bring himself to wash Dee's shirts, fold them up and leave them on his desk.

Life had returned to some semblance of normalcy in his apartment. He and Bikky had fallen back into a routine. Ryo could see that the boy missed Dee badly, but didn't comment on it. There was nothing he could do. Love Dee or not… Dee had been right to an extent. He had never planned a future with Dee; never saw himself being with Dee for the rest of his life. Why rekindle something that he didn't believe in?

Bikky couldn't believe what had happened, the shambles his life had fallen to so quickly. It was his fault, really. How often had he wished Dee gone? Told him to leave? That he wasn't wanted, that Bikky hated him? How much time had he spent trying to drive Dee away. And now he was gone. He had gotten his wish. He had Ryo to himself, didn't have to share him with anyone… accept now… that empty place he thought would be filled by Ryo, should he ever be able to have all of Ryo's attention to himself, was even wider and deeper. It had been Dee who had filled that place, with out Bikky even noticing, and now he was gone. And it was his fault.

He acted tough about it, bragging to Cal about how he had finally gotten rid of the bastard… acted so tough in fact, he had been sent to the principals office pretty much every day for insubordination, and got into three fights in school, and another three outside of school. He had been arrested twice for shoplifting; neither time did the shop owner press charges. But social services was starting to take note.

Ryo was at his wits end. There was nothing he could say to the boy that seemed to make him understand how close they were to being separated, because Bikky was looking at Juvey. It was in this desperation not to lose his son that he penned a quick note to Dee, telling him the situation, and begging him to talk to Bikky.

"I'm sorry detective, you aren't a parent or guardian, I can't release him to you, besides, he is in ISS." The secretary pleaded, growing more and more nervous as the tall man with a big gun holstered at his side, and green eyes hard enough to suggest he would use it loomed over her.

"Irene. You know me, come on. That kid is practically my son. How many times have I picked him up from detention?" Dee sighed, almost ready to unholster his gun and start making some demands.

"Yes, I know, but you know the law Detective. You are not the boy's parent or guardian, you can't take him out of school."

"With out his parent or guardian's permission, which I have. If you don't believe me call him." Dee growled, pulling out his own cell phone and dialing Ryo's number, handing it to the secretary. "There look, I even did it for you."

The secretary swiveled away from him on her chair, hearing Detective McLean pick up. He half hoped the boy's guardian would deny permission…

"Detective McLean. This is Irene, from Bikky's school… No…no, not at all. I have Detective Laytner here wanting to pick Bikky up… May I remind you he is in In School Suspension? Yes sir, if you say so sir, thank you." Scowling the woman swiveled back, holding Dee's cell phone out to him. "He gave his permission. Sign him out please."

Dee quickly penned his name and Bikky's and the time, then went back to the little room where they were penning the boy, having be back here many a time before. Personally, Dee thought it was cruel and unusual punishment, keeping him in an almost sensory deprived state. A tiny closet of a room, no window to the outside world, only a small window in the door so staff could keep an eye on him, the desk he was forced to sit in facing the other direction. He was allowed nothing but his schoolbooks. No sound, nothing to look at on the walls. Dee threw the door open with a satisfied feeling.

Bikky whirled in his chair, hearing the door fly open; sure he was in trouble again.

"I didn't do- Dee?!"

"Hey champ. Come on, we're leaving." Dee crouched, packing Bikky's bag for him.

"What? Leaving? Does my dad know you're here? Where are we going?" Bikky's eyes were wide. Dee was in a mood, he could see that much.

"Yes, he knows, he gave me permission. Come on, we're going to go out to lunch, and then to the zoo or something." Dee stood, Bikky's bag thrown over his shoulder. "Unless of course, you'd rather stay here."

"If we're going to the zoo maybe…" Bikky rolled his eyes, getting up from his chair, his butt totally numb.

"I said 'or something' come on, before Irene out there decides I need written permission from your dad, and a sperm sample to prove my identity." Dee put his hand on Bikky's shoulder, urging him out the door and down the hall. To Bikky it almost felt as if he were playing hooky, as they all but ran to the car, or maybe being kidnapped. Not that he minded.

Dee got Bikky in the car, and hopped behind the wheel of the Honda, cranking the key and starting the car more by force of will then anything. He was honestly worried they would decide he needed more then oral permission, and he would be damned if they would keep him from his son.

"So, what for lunch?" he asked, narrowly making a yellow light at the intersection in front of the school.

"Dave's?" Bikky suggested, watching Dee as if he had totally lost his mind. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Taking you out to lunch, what does it look like?" Dee rolled his eyes, flicking off a taxi that cut him off.

"Yeah but… why?"

"Listen… sport… oh fuck this traffic, come on, lets walk." Dee grumbled, grabbing a spot along the sidewalk, practically before the car leaving it was out of the way.

So they walked, several blocks, cutting through Central Park. Dee smoked, his other hand in his pocket. Bikky trotted along beside him, stealing sidelong glances at him. What was this? What was going on? Each block they walked with out Dee speaking made Bikky more and more nervous.

"Sport… Ryo tells me you've been having a lot of problems lately. Fighting, stealing…"

"Its only a problem because I keep getting caught." Bikky replied, tilting his chin up in forced pride.

"It's a problem, because if you don't cut it out, you are going to go to juvey, and be taken away from Ryo. If they take you from him to put you in juvey, you won't be going back to him, do you understand that?" Dee looked down at the boy and his forced bravery. Big talk, nothing to back it up.

"Yeah, so what. Who gives a fuck?" Bikky shrugged, wiping his nose with his sleeve, trying to look tough.

"You do. Ryo does. I do. So more or less, everyone. And don't say fuck. Bikky if you're mad at me for leaving, take it out on me, okay? Do what you need to do to feel better, but don't take it out on Ryo, and don't take it out by breaking the law."

"I'll say fuck if I want." The boy snipped, puffing out his chest, trying not to let the feeling of the floor dropping out from under him show on his face. Did Dee honestly think this was because he was mad at him? Was he mad at him?… No, he was mad at Ryo.

"The hell you will. You're twelve, that's too damn young to be swearing like a sailor. Watch your damn mouth or I'll do to you what Penguin did to me when I swore." Dee replied, "Do as I say, not as I do."

Bikky watched him a long time not saying anything. Watching how Dee smoked

on his cigarette, not the easy, graceful way he usually did, but puffing on it, practically chewing it. To say Dee was tense was an understatement. Finally Bikky broke the silence.

"I want to live with you."

"What?!" Dee exclaimed so startled the cigarette actually dropped from his lips, into the front pocket of his shirt. "Have you lost your- sonofabitch!" he swore as the still smoldering butt burned through his shirt and started working on his chest. He smacked himself a could times before pulling what was left of the now crushed smoke from the front pocket it had burned a hole through. Shaking his head he dropped it to the sidewalk and ground it out, just for safety sake, rubbing his wounded chest with his right hand.

"I want to live with you Dee."

"I heard you the first time, but in God's name, why?"

This time it was Bikky's turn to be silent, scuffing his tennies on the sidewalk, looking down at his shoelaces. Why did he want to live with Dee? It wasn't that he didn't love Ryo, or didn't want to see him any more. But he was really mad at Ryo. Bikky hadn't been privy to all the talks and fights his 'parents' had had lately, but he had heard a good number of them through the wall. Ryo wanted some suburban family unit. Babies… a wife. Bikky was pretty sure, despite all Ryo's words about loving him, and never wanting to get rid of him, that once Ryo got those things that he wanted, Bikky would be shipped off in short order. Besides, Dee had been bad enough, but a woman in the house? No way. He had no interest in a 'mother' figure. Of course, to Bikky these ideas were only the vaguest of emotions, all he knew his he felt a strong pull to be close to Dee right now.

"I don't know. I mean… don't get me wrong. I still love him, and want to see him but… I don't know…" Bikky sighed, frustrated.

"Okay… its okay bud, take your time…" Dee's earlier agitation had calmed some, his concern for the brat taking precedence.

"I just… don't think Ryo understands."

"Understands what?" Dee asked, starting them walking again, putting an arm around Bikky's shoulders.

"Okay, the absolute, God's honest, no flinch truth?" Bikky asked, looking up at Dee, his heart beating rapidly.

"Hit me." Dee nodded.

"He is way way too all about him right now. He still takes care of me… but… okay, remember when we were up all night that one time, and you got me drunk, and we talked about things?"

"I didn't get you drunk." But Dee smiled, knowing Bikky just thought it was funny. "But yeah, I remember."

"Okay, see… I couldn't do that with him. He would want to talk about feelings, or tell me what he thinks, or whatever. I mean… okay, I know it's totally retarded, but like about the religions shit. Ryo can't talk about that. I don't know what his hang up is with god, but, it's a big mother fu- trucker. And I want to know, I want something… just some info, you know? Because that might be pretty important… or like girls… I mean…" Bikky was blushing, and Dee knew beyond a shadow of a doubt Bikky was talking, not about girls, but about the effect and result of them.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Dee nodded. Bikky let out a breath of relief.

"Good. But, like, I don't think he could talk about that… it would make him all up tight and embarrassed, and instead of giving me the information I want… he'll probably lecture me about not having sex. I love Ryo… but…"

"But it's obvious he is a first time parent, and an only child?" Dee raised his eyebrows a little.

"Yeah, I guess." Bikky nodded and fell silent again, giving them both time to think.

Ryo _was_ a first time parent and only child… and it was painfully obvious sometimes. He didn't always understand kids. He loved them to death, that was obvious. And Dee was sure that if he got to start from scratch with an infant, Ryo would be an awesome dad. But getting thrown in with a preteen… Ryo tried, and for the most part did an excellent job. But Dee was starting to see and understand a trend here. His ex lover was very self involved right now, and that was okay, everyone had times when they needed to just focus on themselves. It wasn't being selfish, it was a necessity. The problem was, Ryo had no clue that's what he was doing.

"Well sport… I can tell you that Ryo loves you, very very much. And that I am sure he is doing the best we can. Everyone makes mistakes, and has short comings, even your dad. But if you truly, truly, want to live with me… I'll talk to Ryo, and maybe you can like… spend weekends with me or something." Dee sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Man, what a mess.

"What like you two are divorced or something?"

"It's a sticky situation bud, that's the best I can do."

"Can I call you 'weekend dad'?" Bikky teased, giving Dee a playful shove, trying to lighten the mood.

"Only if I can take you to the zoo." Dee smirked, shoving back.

"No way, you pervert!" Bikky gave Dee a boot to the rear and took off running, Dee in hot pursuit.

"Get back here half breed!" Dee laughed, sprinting after the boy, tackling him in the soft grass of a soccer field.

They rolled around, rough housing, Dee trying to tickle Bikky into submission, Bikky just trying to pin him down. The match ended when Bikky got Dee in a headlock and gave him the nooggie of a lifetime.

"Uncle! Uncle!" Dee panted, laughing

With one parting scrub of his knuckle in Dee's dark hair, Bikky let him go; hoping to his feet, just in case the truce was fake. Dee pulled himself to his feet slowly, grinning. He looked disheveled, his shirt half untucked, his hair wild from the noogie. He brushed of his pants and ran a hand through his hair, managing to at least get it to all lay down.

"Alright, so Dave's." He patted the boy on the back, tucking in his shirt as they headed out of the park for the hamburger joint.

"Yeah… I haven't eaten there since you left… Its not Ryo's thing…" Bikky sighed, kicking a stone out of his way.

"Yeah, I know, well, it can be our thing from now on, okay?" Dee scruffed the boy's hair.

"Yeah, alright, sounds like a good deal… weekend dad."

The phone rang at seven in the evening, almost to the minute. Ryo had been expecting it, but he jumped anyway. He was disturbed to see the hand that reached for the receiver shook.

"Hello?"

"Ryo, its Dee."

As if Ryo didn't immediately recognize his voice, hell, knew it was him before the phone even rang.

"Hi Dee. How did it go this afternoon?" Ryo shutting his eyes, leaning his head back against the headboard. He couldn't believe how much it hurt, just to hear his voice, and the coolness in it.

"Good, it went good. We talked about a lot of things. Bikky is feeling insecure."

"I'm glad it went well. I know he is pretty upset. I'm just not sure what to do about it."

"I know. Listen Ryo, I know I don't have legal rights to Bikky… but I've been in his life as long as you have. He said he wants to spend time with me; and I would like to spend time with him too." Dee's voice was both cautious and cautioning. He was tiptoeing around this one, but he wasn't budging.

"You're right. He needs you in his life still."

There was a long pause, Dee utterly stunned that Ryo had agreed so easily and quickly... Not that he wasn't glad, but it had totally broadsided him.

"Thank you." Dee said quietly, suddenly feeling very humble. He had expected Ryo to put up a fight, to react with the immaturity Dee thought he would react with, situations reversed.

"Dee…" Ryo sighed softly. "I don't want this to be messy. I've fucked up Bikky too. He needs to feel secure. I've been meaning to adopt him officially for months now…"

"I didn't know that…" Dee's voice was quiet, unsure how to proceed.

"I know. If you and Bikky both want, we could do this as a two party adoption, so you would have legal rights and responsibilities equal to mine… some security as a parent."

There was another long pause. Parent. It was such a heavy word, and it swamped Dee's brain, slowly seeping into the wrinkles of his gray matter. If they did this, he would be a parent on paper. Dee Laytner… who would have thought.

"Ryo, if that is what Bikky wants, its what I want too. Thank you."

"I wasn't lying when I said I love you. I do. And I loved Bikky, and this is the best for all of us." Ryo had to clear the tears that clenched his throat, feeling both his own pain, and Dee's, tangible across the wire.

"And I love you. But I won't be your mistress." Dee's voice was a horse whisper.

"I'm not asking you to be."

"If you love me, but still have another, even if it's only in your mind, I'm just your side fuck… your time in between."

"Dee…" Ryo pleaded, feeling hot tears slid down his cheeks and neck.

"Do you still want a wife?" Ryo was sure Dee was crying too, though his voice remained hard and unyielding.

"Yes." His voice cracked and broke.

"Then we have nothing to talk about. Send me the paper work when you have it." There was no thaw in Dee's voice.

"Okay." It was all Ryo could manage.

"Bye."

"Bye…" but the line clicked dead before the word came. Ryo hung up the phone, dropping his face into his hands, crying silently for a moment before trying to gather himself. He went to the bathroom, looking at his tear-stained face for a long moment, wondering where it had gone wrong, where it had slipped through his fingers. Shaking his head, trying to shake loose his pain, Ryo bent over the sink, washing his face thoroughly, scrubbing away the physical evidence of his pain.

After he dried his face, he made his way across the small apartment to Bikky's even smaller bedroom. Ryo was pretty sure the room was meant to be a closet. Oh well, that was New York apartments for you. He rapped a knuckle on the doorframe lightly.

"Bik?"

Bikky was sprawled out across his rumpled twin bed, Harry Potter and the Scorer's Stone in his hands. Dog-earing his page, he closed the book and looked up at Ryo.

"Yo."

"How did things go with Dee this afternoon?" Ryo asked, edging into the room, barely slender enough to fit between the boy's desk and his bed. The quarters were so tight, Bikky didn't even have a desk chair, he just sat on his bed. Ryo managed to wedge himself between though, to sit on the edge of the boy's bed.

"Good, we went to Dave's and had malts and burgers." Bikky turned on his side, curling around Ryo a little.

"Good, I'm glad." Ryo smiled a little, smoothing back Bikky's blonde hair. "That was Dee on the phone."

"I figured." Bikky watched his dad close, nervous, wondering what Dee had said.

"Dee was asking about having you live with him part time, you know weekends and stuff. What do you think of that?" Ryo phrased the question carefully, not wanting Bikky to feel as though he was being pawned off.

Bikky chewed his lip nervously, glancing away from Ryo, shifting uncomfortably around him. These were dangerous waters.

"Its okay, Bikster, I won't be angry. He's been in your life as long as I have. Its okay." Ryo said gently.

"I want to live with Dee, too." Bikky whispered, still not able to look at Ryo.

"Okay. He wants that too. I think it's a good idea." Ryo watched the boy that would be his son, rubbing his arm.

"You do?"

"Yes. I do. You and Dee are a lot alike. I think that he can help you understand some things that I never could."

Bikky studied his dad a long time, before throwing his arms around his waist and hugging him tight, a tension inside him easing, knowing that Ryo loved him enough to let him love Dee.

Author's Note: Yes I know, it's all terribly tragic. Thank you so much those of you who left the long reviews, I truly appreciate that you put in some time to let me know what you think, I'm glad you guys are moved by my work. This chapter came out amazingly quickly. Also, if anyone has any questions about my characterization of anyone, drop me a line, I would be more then happy to explain my logic. Anyway, thanks to those of you who have been so patient.


	10. Stranger in a Strange Land

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine. Must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor

Delicate

Chapter Ten:

Stranger in a Strange Land

By: Irish

Dee had been cleaning. Part of it was because Bikky would be spending his first night at Dee's place, not counting the few slumber parties with Ryo, tomorrow. The other part was that Dee needed to be busy. He needed to move, because if he didn't he would just stall out and end up sitting somewhere and chewing his fingernails ragged. He supposed that was a symptom of depression -- or something -- just stalling out like that. He remembered doing it after Penguin had been injured, only really able to stare off into nothing. It was, however, counter productive. So Dee spent the first weekend he had had off in a month and a half in a pair of jeans so holey, thread bare, and paint splattered that they should have been made into rags years ago, a gray t-shirt and a blue bandana. Making like Lucy Ricardo, on his hands and knees scrubbing down the warped hardwood of his floor, sweeping the ceilings free of cobwebs, tossing black garbage bag after black garbage bag down from his fire escape to the dumpster below, sending cats yowling every time.

The apartment had likely never been so clean, at least not in the last few decades, the toilet had been scrubbed, he had gone after the grout with a toothbrush, even the oven had been cleaned. Windows, dusting and polishing, he had even beat out the 6x8 rugs in his living room and bedroom. It was around dinnertime when he had finally run out of things he could think to clean. All the laundry was done; he had deep cleaned the furniture (to what ends he wasn't sure, it had been stained when he got it), done all the dishes, literally all of them dirty or not. So he had started a new project, one that would take a little more finesse, and the rest of the night.

He already drug the scaffolding from the basement during the cleaning phase, to get at the light fixtures, and now he drug it over to the huge bay window and seat, canvas drop-clothes spread over the floor and wooden bench, the cushions moved across the room. He got out his paints from the cupboard they lived in, setting them up, digging out one of his larger palates, and a wide array of brushes. After taping over the window fixtures, he started to work, starting to understand how Michelangelo felt painting the Sistine Chapel.

The ceiling of the little alcove that housed the window and seat was arched, which made his work even more difficult, trying to keep the pain from running. But he stayed busy, slowly painting a mural over the ceiling and walls framing the alcove that would become Bikky's personal space, all Dee could offer him. When the mural was done, he pointed a fan up at it, then started another project. It was only three in the morning and he wouldn't be tired until six, which is when he had been going to bed since he had started on the night shift.

Dee had been planning this for years, but had never quite gotten around to it. But now, searching for something to keep him occupied, coupled with a desire to have Bikky feel comfortable, special and wanted, now he found the time. He had several large bags of mosaic tiles, which he sat down with in front of the window seat. The bench that was the foundation for the seat had four drawers built into it, which Dee had cleared out to serve as Bikky's closet space. Now he primed the wood before smearing it with grout, quickly, efficiently, but with an artists precognition, placed the mosaic tiles. He had no pattern in mind, just something to cover up the stained, painted, warped wood that held the drawers. The drawer fronts themselves; he left their original painted white color, leaving the brass handles.

The sun had risen long before he was done, flooding his workspace with light as he finally stood to admire the finished project. Not entirely finished, not yet. He planned to hang full-length curtains, one layer sheer, the second opaque, to give Bikky a 'door' to close. He also planned to put in a couple shelves, and possibly some Christmas lights. But for now, he had to let the paint finish drying… He checked his watch… eight thirty in the morning. If he slept for four hours he would have plenty of time to finish his project before the brat showed up.

Too tired to think, Dee washed up as best he could, not bothering with paint thinner, he could do that when he woke, and stripped down to nothing before falling into bed, too tired to care the sun was up and streaming in his bedroom window.

Ryo stopped in front of Dee's building, Bikky standing next to him. It was a Saturday evening, a rare blessing to be off, even rarer that both he and Dee had the same night off. Two months ago, they would have been going out, maybe just to a movie, or a quick bite at the diner they frequented. That was two months ago, and tonight, Ryo had cold pizza from the night before and a pile of casework waiting for him back home.

"All right kiddo, call if you need anything… or even if you don't alright?" he smoothed back the boy's hair tenderly.

"Geez, its not like I've never been away from home before." Bikky rolled his eyes. But it was different and he knew it. This was the first step in Ryo admitting that Dee was important enough to share him with. "I'm coming home Tuesday."

"I know… we'll go out for dinner, okay?" Ryo put his hands in his pockets to keep from smothering the boy. What if Bikky decided he liked living with Dee more?

"Dad… I'm coming back okay? Its not like I'm moving here." Bikky looked up into Ryo's dark eyes, seeing all that Ryo felt, but not wholly understanding it, only knowing he didn't like to make Ryo anxious. The truth was he was nervous too. He had no idea what to expect, he had never seen Dee as a responsible type guy, the kind of guy who get a kid through his homework, and have a decent meal on the table every evening.

"I know… I know… alright, go on, I'm not going to come up… call…" Ryo managed to take a step away.

"I will. See ya." Bikky offered a small smile before turning and dashing into the building, moving quickly, before Ryo could call him back, or he could chicken out.

"Yeah, see ya." Ryo said softly, watching Bikky move into the building and up the stairs, even then standing there a long moment before finally turning to catch a train home.

Bikky wasn't sure if he should knock or walk in… He lifted his hand, hesitated a moment, then knocked, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. He almost jumped when the door opened.

"Hey Bik." Dee smiled, stepping back to let the boy in. "You don't have to knock.'

"Thanks…" he said quietly, looking around at the vaguely familiar apartment, not quite so well known now that it was so brilliantly clean. "You cleaned…"

"Yeah well, I thought I should pretend to be an adult or something." Dee smiled a little, lifting a duffle bag from Bikky's shoulder. "I don't have a spare room, but I think I found you a space."

"If you think I am sleeping in the tub…" Bikky tried to joke, more self conscious then he could ever remember being.

"No way, then where would I put my meth lab?" Dee smiled a little; carrying Bikky's bag over to the alcove he had turned into what he hoped was home. Bikky tag after him, about to say something about Dee's Meth lab, but the words died on his tongue.

"Holy…" Bikky remembered the alcoved window seat from being here before, but now, "What were you like, on trading spaces, or something?" Bikky took a few steps closer, touching the colorful mosaic Dee had continued on the wall the alcove was set in, deep jewel toned tiles, cool to the touch. Deep blue curtains had been hung, along with a sheerer set; both pulled back to either side and tied with two of Dee's old ties.

"Not exactly." Dee stood back, watching, hoping Bikky liked it.

"You did this yourself?" Bikky almost whispered, sitting down on the mattress that had replaced the cushioning that had been there before, the bed was neatly made, a dark purple comforter folded back at one corner to reveal shaded blue sheets with tiny silver stars.

"Yeah… I ran out of things to do yesterday…" Dee smiled a little, sitting down next to him, watching as Bikky craned his head to look at the mural covering the inside of the alcove. At the very top of the arch was blue so dark it was almost black, stars painted on it carefully. Going down one side it slowly faded to purple, with the silhouette of a boy going for a lay up, basketball balanced on his fingertips. A jagged white boarder of sheet music separated that from the remaining scene, a tree, in full green, standing alone on a hill, a storm pounding around it, the dark gray paint Dee had used swirling into perfect thunderheads, the yellow just right for the jags of lighting. The green of the hill went all the way down to where the wall met the wood of the bench. On the other side, the dark night sky faded into a gray sky over an ocean on one half, and a brilliant sunset on the other. There was a thing winding rainbow boarder, almost level with the music boarder on the other side, below that was a cityscape at night, the black buildings against a dark sky, little white-yellow lights in the windows. Down from the ceiling hung a small paper Japanese lantern, a light bulb inside, Bikky's own personal reading light. Unable to find a good way to put shelves up in the alcove, Dee had found two nightstands at the 'Twice but Nice' down the street, and had put them on either side of the alcove. One of the nightstands had three shelves, the other had a door, he just hopped it was enough space.

Bikky spent a long time gazing at the diligent artwork around him, before turning to look at Dee, unable to believe the time and dedication that had gone into his 'space'.

"You did this for me?" Bikky asked quietly, watching Dee's face closely.

"Of course I did." Dee smoothed a hand over Bikky's blonde hair. "I know I'm not exactly worlds best dad, or dad period. But you're my number one homey, ya know?"

"Your number one homey?" Bikky made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and rolled his eyes without meaning it. "Yeah well, thanks. You know, for everything." Bikky said more seriously, still watching his ex-step-guardian, or whatever Dee was.

"What?" Dee smiled a little, feeling Bikky's scrutiny. "Do I have broccoli in my teeth?"

"No, you just look different." Bikky said after a moment of thought, trying hard to put his finger on just what about Dee looked different.

"Huh, well, I haven't even cut my hair recently, don't know what it could be." Dee rubbed Bikky's back with a hand, looking down at him.

"No." Bikky shook his head smiling a little "So what's for dinner?"

"I should have known that would be the first thing on your mind, you got a hollow leg or something?" Dee scuffed his head and gave it a push, well lets see what's in the cupboard." Dee stood, meandering over to the kitchen, still under Bikky's scrutinizing eye.

Bikky still wasn't sure what it was that was so different about Dee. Maybe he was just seeing him in a different light, maybe all of this had aged him some. Bikky wasn't sure, he was just glad to be here at all. Not because he wanted to be with Dee, though that was part of it, but because he kind of thought Dee needed to spend time with him.

"Hey Andrew." Dee called, tentatively sticking his head inside the Queer Studies Resource Center at NYU. Andrew was visible in behind a glass window that showed the main office of the center, seated at his desk.

"Dee!" Andrew looked up, giving Dee a surprised grin. "How are you? Come in." He stood up, getting a crutch under him and limping out into the main room.

"Ah, well I'm okay." Dee smiled faintly, shaking Andrew's hand when it was offered to him. "I just thought I would stop by."

Andrew eased himself onto one of the two couches in the center, wedged between bookshelves and a central table and chairs. "I'm glad you did. Lyn called Ryo a couple weeks ago, and we heard that you two split up. We've been worried, but it was a little awkward to ask Ryo for your number."

Dee sat too, careful not to bump Andrew's legs as he did. "You could have. It – it wasn't too messy. Well, I mean, breakups are always messy, but we're amiable." Dee shrugged.

"I figured it couldn't have been too bad, since Lyn is drawing up two party adoption papers and shared custody agreements." Andrew patted Dee's knee. "But still. I'm glad you're hanging in there."

"Chillin' like a villain." Dee smiled a little, leaning back slowly, lacing his fingers behind his head "So, how are Lyn and the girls?"

"Good, good. Lyn's been eating right, I swear Kei's grown two inches since you last saw her. We're a little worried about Annie, she's still just so shy, and not a word out of her, and she's almost one. We know its there though, she signs like a fiend."

"They say Einstein didn't say a word until he was like five." Dee shrugged. "Maybe she's just waiting until she has something important to say."

"Some how I doubt its going to be 'emc²' not that she isn't bright, but it's a bit preemptive to call her genius."

"Hey this is America, you queer commie pinko bastard. We don't need evidence to wave our dick around." Dee chuckled, shaking his head. "What are you, un-American?"

"I plead the fifth. If I say anything I will probably end up surrounded by INS." Andrew shook his head too, also chuckling. "Though some how I doubt you stopped by to talk about my political loyalties."

"Ha! That's what you think. Okay, no, I'm not." Dee held his hands up in surrender. "I may have an ulterior motive for dropping in." Dee grew more serious now, glancing around the center, not wanting to make eye contact.

"What's on your mind?" Andrew too grew more serious. He didn't know Dee real well, he had only met him the couple of times Dee had been over with Ryo and Bikky, but he felt fairly secure in his understanding of the man, and he suspected Dee was about to swallow a nice big chunk of pride and ask a favor.

"Well… since Ryo and I broke up, I keep thinking I want to do something to better myself. I -- I'm struggling with this -- this breaking up thing, I know I am. I keep telling myself I was a fool for giving that up. I'll never do any better."

Andrew listened as Dee spoke, patting his knee again. Dee had to be hurting, to just start emoting like this. Andrew's heard went out to him.

"So, I kind figure I need to be proactive, ya know? I could sit around and bitch all day, or I can do something, right? I made a list of all my short comings."

"You know that's not likely to help, emotionally abusing yourself." Andrew said quietly, suspecting good ol' catholic guilt at work.

"It's not like that. Let me finish. I made a list; so I could work on changing those things, maybe feel a little better about myself. I gotta tell you, uneducated was in the top five." Dee cleared his throat. He had no intention of bringing up one and two. "So I want to try and fix that. I was accepted as a student here last week." He smiled a little.

"Congratulations man." Andrew smiled "that's awesome. Its hard to go back to school once you're all grown up, or pretending to be."

"Thanks, problem is, I'm still dumb as a box of rocks. I'm no smarter than I was last time I was in school, just more dedicated. I was wondering if you'd… give me a hand?" Dee cleared his throat again, turning his lighter in his fingers. This conversation would have been a helluva lot easier if he could light up. Then again, smoking was in the top ten of things wrong with him.

"I'd be glad to give you a hand Dee. What are you taking?" the blonde was taking small mental notes of his companion, starting to sense a delicate situation.

"Well, that's just it. I haven't registered for classes. I don't know what I should take."

"Are you aiming for a degree? Or just taking classes for your own piece of mind?" Already, Andrew was reaching for his course catalogue, and opening it on his lap. "And day classes or night classes?

"Day, but not too early, I've been working third shift, but I'm switching to second. Nothing before ten and nothing after four." Dee shifted close, to look at the course catalogue Andrew had opened in his lap. "I would like to get my BA. I've got an AA in Criminal Justice."

"So, majoring in CJ still?" Andrew asked. "Do you have your transcripts with you?"

"One step ahead of you." Dee pulled out two sheets of paper folded in fourths, unfolding them and trying to smooth them out over his thigh.

The two men spent nearly two hours pouring over the courses and majors, Andrew reading each description out loud to Dee, letting Dee take notes in his illegible chicken scratch. It was late afternoon when Dee walked out of the Queer Studies Center, but he felt better about his life, himself. He would never be an intellectual like Ryo, or Andrew, or Lyn, but that didn't mean he had to be a street thug.

After a promise to keep Dee's new double life under his hat, Andrew invited him over to dinner the next day, to spend time with his little family, sensing Dee's isolation. Dee felt life was looking up, at least a little. He didn't have Ryo any more, but maybe, he didn't need him.

It had been six months, almost as long as they had been together, even though it felt like longer. Ryo had tried to talk himself up to dating on more then one occasion, until he realized he had no clue how to meet someone. He hadn't dated since college. He had never 'dated' Dee, not really, nor had he had to make the first move.

His handful of relationships in high school and college had been clinical, passionless. He had dated the 'right' girls. White girls, girls from money, protestant girls, well mannered, well bred; like himself. Ryo had dated the 'perfect' match kind of girls, the ones that would blend into what was left of his family flawlessly, and he into theirs. He had met them through his aunt, or through friends, always a third party had introduced them. They had always been 'cute' together 'a good couple'. He had no emotion towards it now, as he looked back. No fond recalls of first kisses, or the first time he copped a feel or lost his virginity. He remembered it just fine, but it meant nothing to him. He couldn't even remember one of their names.

Ryo knew from listening to various bawdy stories at the precinct, and even a casual mention or two by Dee that 'the bar' was a good place to meet women. Or men. He couldn't imagine that scenario though, himself sitting on a bar stool with a beer he didn't enjoy and what? Turning to the closest lady and buying her a drink? Yeah right. Ryo refused to admit he was shy, preferring to consider himself a 'watcher', but approaching a complete stranger with no preset topic of conversation made his stomach turn. Nor could he see himself finding a datable prospect on the job. He knew what he wanted, and he wasn't going to find it in butch policewomen, or gum chewing receptionists with Jersey accents.

Another day, like the hundred and eighty that came before it since Dee left and he was still chasing these thoughts around in his head. Find a woman, marry a woman, have children, passion was not important, passion could be learned. It was a new mantra, a new battle cry. Passion can be learned.

Ryo repeated this to himself as he prepared a quick meal for Bikky and himself, pausing every now and then to snap a rubber band around his wrist if his thoughts turned back to Dee, or men in general. Aversion therapy, wasn't it wonderful?

The ringing of the phone sliced through his thoughts and the background chatter of the TV and Ryo's heart missed a beat then thumped twice. _Dee!_ His heart exclaimed, leaping at the phone. He still called sometimes, usually just to verify plans for who had Bikky.

"Hello?" Ryo heard strain in his own voice as he snapped the rubber band on his wrist, trying to slow his heart thundering in his chest as he waited for the voice to come through the line and identify his caller.

"Ryo, sweetie, is this a bad time?" Elena's voice was concerned and slightly confused.

"No, Elena, I'm sorry, I just burnt my finger on the stove. How are you?" he tried to sound glad to hear from her, he was, but his heart had sunk like lead, no Dee.

"Oh dear, is it blistering? Run some cold water over it."

"No, really its fine. I haven't talked to you in ages." Ryo gave his red wrist one more snap for good measure before adjusting the phone held between his ear and shoulder and returning to his cooking.

"I know! I thought I would call during dinner since I knew you would be home. I'm fine, how are you, other then burned." A chuckle bubbled in his aunt's voice.

"Oh, I'm alright. SSDD."

"How can you say that? I can't imagine being a cop can be routine. Well, anyway, I did call for a reason, I have to admit." Loving and brisk, that was his aunt.

"You, have an ulterior motive, surely you jest." It was Ryo who chuckled this time.

"I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley. Listen, do you remember my friend Sandra? She has a daughter a little younger then you, went to Calvary Academy?"

"Um, red head?" Ryo guessed, trying to recall who the hell Sandra was, let alone her daughter.

"No no, blonde, real petite, she was a cheerleader, she has that scar on her face?" Elena obviously expected him to remember this girl.

"Oh, yeah, um, Mary wasn't it?" Ryo flinched; it had been the scar that had triggered his memory. She was still pretty but it wasn't like it was unnoticeable. God, how shallow was he?

"Yes, Mary. Anyway, Sandra is having this society function, and you know how it is. Apparently Mary is currently without a beau, and I thought you two might be a good match, unless of course you've found someone without telling your dear old aunt."

Ryo felt his eyes cross, trying to keep up with the rapid-fire pace of his aunt's monologue. Realizing he had been asked a question, Ryo cleared his throat.

"No, there isn't anyone, I mean, its not like I have a lot of time and all. When is this quote unquote society function?"

"Oh lets see, two weeks, on the twelfth, that's a Saturday, it's a day thing, starts at eleven. What do you think?"

Ryo snapped his rubber band again, forcing himself to check his calendar. He was free. "Sure, sounds great. What should I wear?"

Authors Note: Okay I finally got around to sticking parts one and two of chapter ten together, and here we are. I am also posting the first half of chapter eleven, so hopefully you will enjoy that as well.


	11. The Power and the Glory Part I

_Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine. Must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor_

Delicate

Chapter Eleven:

The Power and the Glory

(Part I)

By: Irish

Ryo took a moment to smooth his clothes; slightly rumpled from the two hour drive out to his aunts, sharpening the pleat in his khakis and making sure his short-sleeved polo was neatly tucked in. Following the path that went around the house, Ryo paused in front of a window to check his reflection before continuing around to the garden where the party was being held.

He was nervous; he hadn't been to one of these things in years. He didn't have time. Not to mention that his chosen profession was not approved of, or hadn't been. He supposed since he had made detective and was well on his way to having Rose's job it might be more acceptable. Rounding the corner he opened the wooden gate and slipped into the back garden, taking a moment to look around.

It was much as he remembered it, rose bushes and hardwood trees, all neatly pruned, and not by his uncle. He had often practiced karate out here on the lawn, but now it was cluttered with elegant tables and chairs and even more elegant and far more expensive people. It was six hundred dollar sundresses and Armani as far as the eye could see. Ryo saw a couple pairs of stiletto sandals that probably cost more then his rent.

"Randy!" His aunt exclaimed, blindsiding him as she embraced him lightly, kissing his cheeks.

"Uh, hey." He smiled, returning the greeting, standing back when Elena held his biceps and set him away from her a little.

"Look at you! I hardly recognize you! You look good." She said, even as she adjusted his clothing to a higher plain of perfection.

"Thank you. You don't looks so bad yourself, not a day over twenty." He winked, letting her fuss over him.

"Always such flirt." She laughed, putting a hand on his shoulder and guiding him over towards the main patio. In her heeled sandals she was nearly as tall as her nephew, and Ryo chose to stand up a little straighter, feeling like an awkward teenager again.

"Well, you know me." He smiled with teeth he knew were perfectly even and white. It was like falling into another dimension. He was glad he had left Bikky with Dee. If he was uncomfortable, Bikky was sure to be. The kid couldn't go more then five words with out blurting an expletive.

"Here dear, you remember Mary, don't you?" Elena had guided him over to a woman who Ryo vague recognized, even in his startlement, he didn't remember moving and now here he was, on the deck in front of his date for the day. She was pretty in a classic way, her straight blonde hair falling down her back nearly to her waist, light wispy bangs covering her forehead, but neatly trimmed not to hide her sweet blue eyes. The scar on her left cheek was in the shape of the Nike 'swoosh' but really, it wasn't too bad.

"Of course." He smiled again, feeling like he had Vaseline on his teeth as he took her limply proffered hand, holding it carefully a moment before releasing it again. It was the modern version of the archaic custom of hand kissing.

"Randy!" Her face lit up with her smile as she recognized him. "I haven't seen you since, well um…" She trailed off awkwardly. She hadn't seen him since his parents' funeral.

"It's been years." He agreed quickly, not letting any awkwardness linger. "How are you? You look wonderful." Relinquished by his aunt, he placed a light hand in the small of Mary's back, guiding her gently over to a patch of shade, both of them fair skinned.

"Thank you. You do too, I guess being a cop keeps you in good condition." She smoothed a nervous hand over her hip, smoothing any crease that might have been in her pastel sundress.

"Detective, actually." He smiled again, turning to face her. "What about you, what have you been up to?"

"Well let's see, I graduated from Smith about five years ago." She paused to laugh softly "I hope that doesn't date me too much."

"Not at all." Ryo smiled indulgently. Date herself? Christ she was twenty-seven at the oldest…

"Good. Since then I've been working as a counselor for Lutheran Social Services, mostly working with the adoption agency."

"That must be rewarding work." He felt like his teeth were starting to crack as he kept smiling and nodding, and lying. What was he doing here? He hadn't belonged in this world since his parents died. He had intentionally moved away from it, made the choices he had to get away from this pomp and circumstance. Yet here he was. He could already feel the eyes of other guests skimming over him and Mary, feel Mary sizing him up. He had known when he had accepted to be set up with this girl it had been practically a pre-engagement, but now standing and facing it down, he wanted to get in his car and break the speed limit all the way back to Manhattan.

"It is. I just love seeing all the adorable little babies, and the parents who are so happy to get them, its really very touching." She smiled, demure. She had a quiet gentle voice that went with the pastel color of her whole personality. "But listen to me babble, tell me about what its like being a cop in the city."

And the dance had begun; already negotiations were in the works. It was his turn to prove what a provider and protector he was. Dee would have said 'time to whip it out and show it around'.

"Constant." Ryo chuckled "Unrelenting. I love it thought. It feels good to know I'm the good guy, but it's emptying the ocean with a thimble." In other words _'I work long hours, but sometimes my name shows up in the paper'_ Not the exact truth, but none of this was about truth.

"That must make it hard to meet someone, I couldn't believe it when your aunt said you were available, I thought for sure you would have been snatched up by now." Another quiet laugh. _'Are you divorced?'_

"Well, I've dated a little, but nothing that worked out. It just wasn't the right time, you know? But I'm finally settled in." _'Never been married, but I promise everything is intact and it works, you interested?'_

"That's good to hear. You live in the city I suppose, have you ever thought about coming back out this way, getting away from all the crime and violence?" _'How much money do you make, would you consider relocating to the suburbs?'_

"I have an apartment, its not the ritz, but hey, its not like I need a lot of room. I really like being in the city though, I mean, I became a cop so I could stop all that violence and crime." Ryo grinned, it felt false, but it must have looked real enough because she smiled back.

When he got back in his car again, well after dark, with Mary's phone number in his pocket, and her name penciled in on his calendar for next week, he sat for long moments in the quiet darkness. His ears rang in the silence, and he felt like someone had taken the top of his head off, and scooped everything out of him. Hollowed out. It had been like a day of hostage negotiations.

Ryo finally managed to turn the key in the ignition and get his Saturn into gear and pointed towards the interstate. After a few minutes he even managed to turn on the radio. Already he could see the next year in front of him, more blatant than the road. They would see each other once a week for a month or two, towards the end he might start with the good night kisses. After that things would get 'serious', they would find erroneous reasons to see each other, he'd send her flowers, they would go to more 'society functions' together. The making out and heavy petting would start somewhere in there. Ryo wasn't sure yet if it would lead to sex, or if it would have to wait until after they were married. Ryo didn't care either way, but he couldn't gage how Mary felt about premarital bliss. Regardless, there would be a lot more to the physical aspect. After six or eight months, he would be expected to propose, especially if they had been having sex.

It would be a 'sudden' engagement; there would be a token protest by both families, even though Mary's mom would already be reserving the church and country club. The engagement would last quite a while though, at least another six months, a full year would be better. Another chance for her to decide if they were going to have sex, now that he had given his 'down payment' in the form of diamonds and gold. Eventually there would be a wedding, the service would be small, tasteful and expensive, the reception huge. Wedding night sex, a honeymoon in a foreign country. Then the babies would come.

That made Ryo smile, and he tried to focus on that as he drove. It would be nice, he thought, to have girls. Lyn and Andrew's kids were so adorable. Twins, twin girls that would be perfect. And one boy, maybe older then the girls, the eldest son as it were. Maybe a dog or two, that would be nice.

Visions of babies and white picket fences dancing in his head, he was startled when his phone rang. He fumbled for it with one hand, trying to keep his eyes on the road. What was it with him and phones?

"McLean." He answered a little curtly; there were only three people that called his cell, Bikky, Dee and Work. Considering the first two were in the same place, Ryo assumed it was the precinct.

"Dad?"

"Oh, Bikky, hi!" Ryo was sure his voice cracked,

"Um… hey. Should I call back later?" Bikky hesitated. Ryo could hear Dee in the background, only Dee could make that much noise in the kitchen.

"No, no sorry sport, I was just being an air head, you know how I am." Ryo smiled a little, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah, not shit. How did your thing go today?"

"Thing? Oh, yeah that, it was good, pretty dull; you know all little sandwiches and noses in the air. You would have hated it, or gotten yourself in heaps of trouble. Bull in a china shop." He chuckled, holding the phone against his shoulder as he returned both hands to the wheel.

"Man, how do you stand it? Dullsville."

"Hey you always accuse me of being boring. What's up? Did you need something?" It wasn't often Bikky called him, and when he did it was because he needed money, permission, or rescuing.

"Not really. Dee and Cal and I had just been playing cards. Cal just went home, and Dee's doing dishes, I just thought I would say hi."

Guilt twisted Ryo's stomach. He had been planning his perfect life, with his wife and kids; Bikky hadn't even entered into the equation. What the hell was wrong with him? The guilt was compounded knowing that that was the one thing Bikky was most insecure about, that he would lose his dad, again. Ryo knew that, went to lengths and pains to reassure Bikky that he was loved and wanted, and here he was writing him out of his life. What the fuck?

"Well hey there kiddo. What game did you play?"

"Egyptian Rat Screw." Bikky said, then more muffled, as he held the phone away from his mouth, or so Ryo presumed "Shut the hell up Dee, you are so damn loud!"

Ryo smiled a little to himself, Dee did tend to be loud, often disappearing into his own little world when he was doing household chores, not paying attention to pots banging together, or cupboard doors slamming.

"What's Egyptian what now?" Ryo asked once he had Bikky's attention again.

"You know, Egyptian rat screw, its kinda like slap jack. Dee is such a pain in the ass. We had to make a new rule because his hand was always first down. He had to clap twice before he went for the cards."

Dee was a fast draw; it didn't surprise Ryo that he was good at that kind of a game. He felt sort of a warm stone of nostalgia in his stomach and cleared his throat. The three of them used to play cards sometimes. Dee and Bikky used to make up new rules to games, or just make up games entirely, stringing Ryo along until he had properly embarrassed himself.

"Sounds fair enough. Its pretty late, are you ready for bed?"

"Yeah," Bikky sighed, and Ryo could almost hear him roll his eyes. "I've brushed my teeth and everything too. Geez, you're bossy even when I'm not at home."

"That's my job half pint. See you Monday?" Ryo suddenly missed Bikky like crazy. The idea of going home to an empty apartment made his heart ache.

"Duh," Again Ryo could practically hear the boy roll his eyes. "I'll see you Monday. Get home safe."

"I will. Go to bed. I love you." Ryo blinked, his eyes burning.

"Yeah yeah, you too. Good night." Bikky hung up and Ryo pressed the cancel button on his cell phone with a deep sigh, wiping his eyes.

"Damned allergies." He muttered to himself, knowing that allergies had nothing to do with the heat and dampness in his eyes. He was a wreck. He knew he should drive over to Dee's, get down on his knees and beg Dee to take him back. That would fix what was wrong with his eyes… and the rest of his life. But then he imagined bringing Dee to his aunts for Christmas, of having guys on the force, out side the department, finding out. No… he was just infatuated with Dee, that was all. Mary was the horse to bet on.

_Authors Note: Okay this is going to be a long one, so bear with me for just a minute folks, I have a few issues to address. First, you may have noticed the disclaimer came back. Some of you have ragged on me in the past for being arrogant enough to include my original characters in the disclaimer, fact of the matter is I'm just protecting my assets and I have had requests. The fact that it went away for a while was because I flat out forgot. Situation remedied._

_Second, I have gotten more then one email lately with 'suggestions' of how I should write Delicate. I assume that the people in question are really just trying to be helpful, but I haven't been too polite in responding to these 'suggestions'. This is my story, I know what I'm doing with it, if I needed help, I would ask for it. I don't know if this 'making suggestions' thing is a new fad here on FFN or in the fanfic genre in general, but let me tell you that unless you are a publisher, editor or agent unsolicited plot ideas are very taboo. I won't go into depth on it here, but if your curious check out my live journal. Long story short, I find it rather rude. I love reviews that are in depth, but if you start it 'I have an idea for Delicate…' its not a review._

_Okay, last but hopefully not least. Thank you all for being so patient with me. I am slow updating, in case you haven't noticed. I'm not sure why that is. Anyway, feel free to contact me for any reason if you are wondering if I have died or if Delicate has. Thanks for your time, every one._


	12. The Power and the Glory Part II

Delicate

Chapter Eleven:

The Power and the Glory

(Part II)

By: Irish

Ryo groaned, depressing the up button of the elevator several times in quick succession. He lived on the seventh floor, not an unreasonable walk, but he was worn down from the drive.

"Fine. Be like that." he grumbled to the inanimate elevator, turning towards the stairs and starting what felt like a grueling hike upwards. He just wanted to be done for the day. He wanted someone to greet him when he got in.

A nice picture worked itself up in his mind, something far more immediately satisfying then the picket fences and babies. Warm arms waiting to hug him close. A soft crooning voice sympathizing with his long day. Tender hands guiding him to bed and undressing him, or maybe a nice hot shower, maybe some nice slow love making.

As Ryo turned his key in the lock and the dead bolt turned, he jumped a bit, the noise startling him out of his nice little fantasy where his lover was now giving him a fabulous and relaxing blow job. A lover with sable locks and strong broad shoulders.

"Goddamnit!" Ryo hissed to himself, kicking the door shut behind him "Enough already! That ship has sailed, you don't want that anyway! Enough." he roughly flicked on the kitchen light, tossing the keys onto the table. He just wanted Dee. At this moment anyway, he was the only thing that would ease his soul-weariness. Dee.

Mary totally gone from his mind, babies, retrievers and fences too. Kicking off his shoes, he crossed the kitchen to where the cordless hung on the wall. He glanced at it. Dee's number was still number one on his speed dial, it was also the number the phone dialed when you hit the 'emergency' button. Ryo hadn't changed that. He had no one to bump up to number one. Number two was his own cell, three was Cal's aunt, four was Bikky's school, five was his aunts house, six was her cell. None of those was worthy of being bumped up to number one, and so Dee remained there.

Ryo ached to pick up the phone, to hit speed dial-one, to call Dee. He picked up the receiver and half staggered back to his bedroom, exhausted and inexplicably close to tears. He didn't bother turning on any lights, falling onto his bed and laying spread-eagle for a few long moments. What the hell was wrong with him?

Of course, Ryo didn't know if he meant 'what the hell is wrong with me that I'm thinking about calling Dee' or 'what the hell is wrong with me that I'm not dialing right this second'. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.

"Goddamnit." he hissed again, but his voice cracked this time. A small voice in the back of his head was growing louder, now sometimes a current just under what he was consciously thinking. '_This isn't who you are, you can never love Mary, not like you love Dee.' _The voice whispered. 'You_ can never have with any woman what you had with Dee. Children and dogs and normality are not worth a passionless regretful life.'_ He could hear it now, like thunder in the distance that might just be the wind, or a plane, anything but a coming storm. _'Call him'_ Ryo urged himself _'Call him, make this right.'_

Ryo fumbled for the phone that lay beside him in the dark, dialing without looking, moving to sit up against the headboard as the phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times.

"God... please pick up Dee." Ryo whispered, his throat feeling tight. What if Dee didn't answer? What if he saw who it was and just let it go to voice mail? What if he did pick up but hung up the minute he heard Ryo's voice, what if-

"Laytner...?" Dee's voice sailed over the line, sounding slightly confused about why his cell was ringing.

"Dee!" Ryo gasped _'Dee, I'm making a terrible mistake. I love you. I want to be with you, I know that, but I don't know how.'_ "Dee..." he said again, his voice thick.

"Ryo?" The confusion in his voice was still there, but it was different, more guarded. Ryo remembered when Dee would hear his voice and light up. It broke Ryo's heart to hear that guarded tone, wary, waiting. "Um... is something wrong?"

Ryo tried to speak, to say something, explain some how, but nothing came out except a near silent gulping sob. Tears of anger and frustration crowded Ryo's eyes and he dropped his head to his knees, though he still held the phone to his ear.

"Ryo? Are you crying? What's wrong?"

The genuine concern in Dee' voice just made it worse and Ryo could do nothing but cry quietly, sniffling into phone, feeling like a fool, like some teenage girl, crying over the phone. How pathetic was that? The harder he tried to say anything though, the more choked up he got. There was nothing he could possibly say to fix this. Even if he got Dee back, he knew that it would be the same as before, that he couldn't let himself be what he knew he was, that it was only a matter of time before they separated again because Dee wanted more then he could give.

"I'm coming over." Dee said decisively, the sound of him grabbing his keys and calling softly to Bikky that he had to run an errand, he would be back in a bit, then tromping down the stairs. Ryo listened as Dee stepped out onto the street, his boots rhythmic on the cement, the city sounds almost drowning out the more intimate sound of Dee breathing. A car door unlocking, Dee climbing in, the engine revving to life. "I will be there in ten minutes, meet me downstairs... I don't have a key."

"Okay." Ryo rasped, managing to pick his head up.

"Are you going to be all right until I get there if I hang up?" Dee asked, the turn signal clicking in the background.

"Yeah... yeah..." Ryo swiped at the tears on his face.

"all right, see you soon."

Dee hung up, and Ryo clutched the receiver to his ear until the phone honked at him and the automated operator told him to hang up and try his call again. His sobs reignited themselves, louder now that he wasn't trying to stifled them, as he hung up and dropped the phone to the mattress.

It took Ryo nearly ten minutes to get himself under control and get down to the lobby, his face still blotchy and puffy as he paced, waiting for Dee, heart hammering in his chest, terrified that Dee just wouldn't show. That he would decide to turn around and go home, leave Ryo here by himself in a silent, echoing apartment with the lingering smell of tobacco.

Ryo didn't have long to pace though, Dee rapped sharply on the window of the front entryway, seeing Ryo there. Ryo crossed the short span and threw open the door to Dee, hardly letting Dee get in before he threw himself into Dee's arms and started to cry once again, clutching at the dark leather of his jacket, pressing his face to the soft fabric of Dee's shirt.

"Whoa..." Dee didn't hug him immediately, holding his hands to the side a minute, not sure he wanted to start doing things like holding Ryo. "Ryo... what is going on?" all Dee could think of was that someone had died, but who that could possibly be, he had no idea. When Ryo did nothing but shake his head, and press a little closer to Dee's chest, Dee finally wrapped his arms around him. "Okay, all right, its okay." He soothed, not sure it was at all but having nothing else to say. He rubbed Ryo's back, looking around him a little nervously, feeling awkward because if felt too right, too normal, too good.

"Its-its-its not thought!" Ryo rasped, not lifting his face.

"Okay... well, um... what do you want me to say?" Dee patted his back, trying not to let this feel to familiar. When Ryo didn't respond, Dee sighed softly. "all right, well lets go upstairs." he tried to disengage from Ryo to lead him upstairs, but Ryo wouldn't let go of his jacket. "Okay, Ryo, we can't stand here all night." he said softly. Ryo didn't seem to hear him. He sighed again, prying one of Ryo's hands from his collar, holding it away as he managed to wriggle out of the jacket, wrapping it about Ryo's shoulders when Ryo finally let go. Ryo seemed to accept that as a reasonable stand-in for Dee, and slid his arms into he proper place, though it was rather big on him, hugging himself tightly, letting Dee wrap an arm around his shoulders and lead him to the elevator.

Ryo had gone into total meltdown. It wasn't that Dee had never seen that before. In fact, Ryo had these little... fits... somewhat regularly. It wasn't always tears like this, sometimes it was anger. But Dee was pretty sure what it really was was fear. Panic attacks were the pop psych term, Dee knew, but he didn't think that really did the connected emotions justice. Ryo had had two huge ones that Dee knew had come close to getting people killed. Not that he was about to blame Ryo, he had his own little temper tantrums, lord knew. Those weren't the only ones though. "Come on." he urged gently when the elevator binged to stop on Ryo's floor.

Dee guided him down the hall, opening the door for Ryo. No lights were on, and Dee didn't turn any on either. He simply led Ryo back to his bedroom, kicking his own shoes off in the process, Ryo wasn't wearing any. Dee sat down on the bed without a word, leaning back against the headboard, watching Ryo for a moment, before simply holding his arms open to him.

Ryo heard the small pathetic sounding sound he made as he crawled onto the bed, settling himself between Dee's cocked knee's, curling up against his chest, tucking his head under Dee's chin, hugging the leather coat around himself. God, this was embarrassing, but at the same time, he wasn't sure he cared. So what if he needed Dee? So what if Dee never cried, Ryo still knew there were plenty of times he had been the one to do the holding and comforting. Nothing to be embarrassed about... crying wasn't a weakness... that what his mom had told him anyway.

Dee wrapped his arms around Ryo, settling him against his chest, stroking his hair slowly. "Shhh, shhh..." he murmured, "Just calm down. Tell me what this is all about."

Ryo sniffled again, nuzzling his cheek to Dee's chest. "I don't know what's wrong with me." his managed in a quavering voice. "I just... I..." he shook his head again. He didn't know, that was just the bitch of it. Not really. It seemed like no matter what he tried to do, he sent himself into a panic. Being gay scared the hell out of him... but if he was honest, truly honest with himself, the idea of a passionless, loveless marriage... why get up in the morning?

"all right... all right Ryo. Its all right. Just breath." Dee soothed, drawing a throw blanket over Ryo's legs.

Breath... that was easy enough. Ryo close his eyes, taking slow breaths, smelling the leather jacket that was Dee's, smelling Dee himself, his after shave, his smokes, his soap. Just breath...

Dee sat still, hardly moving for nearly two hours as Ryo slowly sniffled himself to sleep, Ryo's tears dampening the front of his t-shirt. His breathing evened out very slowly, and finally, when he sounded deeply asleep, Dee eased out from under him, laying him down tenderly, covering him more with the throw. Whatever was upsetting Ryo, it hadn't followed him into his dreams, the worry lines on his brow smoothing. Dee smoothed back the hair from Ryo's face, kissing his forehead.

"Sleep baby... I know sometimes how big the world seems, but you have everything on your side. Don't worry baby, I know it will all come out all right for you." how could it not? Ryo was a man who inspired love and kindness in others, bringing out the best of those around him... Even Dee. Dee swallowed hard, smoothing Ryo's hair one more time, tucking his leather jacket a little tighter around Ryo's shoulders. It broke his heart that despite all the good things Ryo brought out in him... he still wasn't good enough for Ryo. But the truth was never kind, at least not any truth Dee had ever known.

He backed slowly from the room, Ryo not so much as stirring. Dee took the spare key from where he knew Ryo kept it in a dish of pocket change on the kitchen counter, and let himself out, locking the door soundly behind him. He took the stairs down, where he opened Ryo's mailbox with the key, then stuck it inside before shutting the small square door. He stopped out on the street to crane his head back and look up at the dark window that was Ryo's bedroom, saying a silent prayer to the Holy Mother to keep Ryo under her wing. Shaking his head, he found his car and drove him, his world again adrift and a whirl.

Author's Note: I know, I know, its been three months since I last updated, and once again everyone probably thought this would never be finished. I promise I will finish Delicate, but unfortunately I have fickle muses. I will do my best though, fall is a good writing time for me so keep your fingers crossed. Also, I am looking for some good constructive criticism, I always bitch about other people having Ryo being such a cry baby, so this chapter feels a little hypocritical, but I think I manage to make him cry like a man… any thoughts?


	13. Hearsay

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate

Chapter 12: Hearsay

By: Irish

"He did what!" Lyn's voice was incredulous, staring at Dee, even as Keiry was pulling on his ear.

"And you went?" Andrew asked, a little less range to his voice, though he too sounded a bit surprised and maybe just a little appalled.

"Yes," Dee sighed, reaching for Keiry across the table, lifting her from Lyn's lap as he pried her little hand from his ear. "Yes, I went. How do you ignore that?" Dee shrugged, settling the little red-headed monster in his lap, picking up a jelly packet off of booth table and opening it, scooping up the contents with his spoon and handing the sweet to Keiry, who promptly popped it in her mouth, settling to suck all the sweetness off the spoon.

"Fair enough." Andrew nodded, knowing that no matter what the situation, he could no more ignore a sobbing phone call from Lyn, then Dee had been able to ignore Ryo's. In love was in love, even when you didn't want to be.

"Fair enough my arse." Lyn snipped. Andrew covered Annie's ears with perfect timing to block out the swear. "He had no right to do that to you Dee."

"Too late now." Dee shrugged, retrieving his coffee much from Keiry before she could dump it over the both of them. It was early in the morning, the day dreary, not unlike the night Ryo had called him, but that had been two weeks ago, and no words since. Nor had his jacket turned up at work. The last almost annoyed him, it was getting cold out. On the other hand, that meant Ryo wanted to keep it, but that was only false hope.

He had met the Doren-Darling entourage for breakfast after his work shift as he did once a week for the last few weeks. He was pretty sure they were keeping tabs on him, and he wondered what they thought he needed looking after for. Did he seem that depressed?

"Are you okay, Dee?" Lyn asked, shifting tone of voice and tactic as the way only a master of torture or a lawyer could.

"Yeah, yeah. I've been better, but its been long enough now that I can stop jumping at every ring of the phone and anxiously checking my desk for notes in the evenings. I was just a breathing teddy bear." Tossed out like a used condom, really. Dee shrugged again, taking a sip of his coffee with one hand, corralling Keiry from taking a flying super-woman leap off the bench of the booth.

"Why didn't you tell me early?" Andrew asked, brows furrowing just a bit, cutting up a pancake for Annie to stuff in her mouth with the zest that only a toddler recently introduced to solid food could manage

"Because, I wasn't ready to talk about it. Besides, I wanted to see the Mick over there pitch a fit on my behalf." Dee smiled a little. He saw Andrew almost every day, often when he had the girls in the office with him. Lyn he saw late ate night, meeting him occasionally during his hour break. Lyn was a night owl.

"Mick this." Lyn rolled his eyes, managing to have folded his long narrow body into a position that had his knees nearly up to his chest, feet on the seat, despite the close quarters of the booth. Despite his words, he didn't make the corresponding gesture, both hands wrapped around his own coffee mug, the heat steaming up his glasses.

"Have you talked to Ryo at all?" He had tried to refrain from asking, it was none of his business any more, but he knew that Ryo had some contact with Lyn. Mostly emails.

"Yeah, I guess so. Nothing much, nothing like that." Lyn looked down into his coffee flavored cream and sugar. He hurt for Dee. Not in the same way he knew Drew did, Drew had been there, but the whole situation was pure hell all the way around. Ly knew his husband had no empathy whatsoever for Ryo, which Lyn understood. Dee needed someone completely in his corner. But gods, what Ryo was doing to himself...

"You guess so?" Dee raised an eyebrow. For a lawyer, Lyn could be absolutely transparent at times.

"He emails be every couple days. What Bikky's up to, work, sometimes books or movies he thinks I'd like..." Lyn shrugged, wanting to pull the hood of his hoodie sweatshirt over his head and draw the strings tight instead of facing Dee at the moment.

"And? Don't even try Lyn, I can tell you're trying to avoid something. Just have out with it. I was the retard who asked, don't try and spare me." Dee shook his head, taking his mug from Keiry again, taking it from her rather abruptly instead of giving her a chance to let go.

The little girl tilted her head way back, craning her head to see Dee's face, her blue eyes brimming with tears and the size of dinner plates. "Shit." Dee sighed, closing his eyes a moment. God, he was such and ass, grabbing something from a little kid. He had no control over himself these days and it drove him nuts. "I'm so sorry sweetie." Dee said, circling his fist on his chest, the sign for sorry.

"She's fine." Andrew said, tapping the table to get Keiry's attention, hands moving quickly when she looked over to him, easily avoiding Annie in his lap. _You know better, those are big people cups. Not for little kittens._ He raised a stern eyebrow, but Keiry knew all the men around her were softies. She grinned sweetly, clapping happily at the sign for 'kitten' and pulled the hood of her own little zip up sweatshirt, a light gray color, little cat ears were stitched onto the hood. She felt them, just to be sure they were there, and clapped her hands again, making a bubble nonsensical sound. She hadn't really been scared by her uncle Dee, just confused.

Dee sighed looking up from Keiry, who was signing 'kitten' to herself over and over, patting her chest _Me kitten! Me Kitten!_ "I'm sorry Drew."

"Don't be. She knows she's got you wrapped around her little finger and will play it to the hilt. I would have hung her up by her curls by now." Andrew said, with out a lick of truth.

"She's already learning to bat those lashes." Lyn agree with a nod, keeping an eye on her from across the table, glad he was out from under Dee's magnifying glass.

"So, Ryo's emails?" Andrew said, turning to his husband, raising his eyebrows.

"You wanker!" Lyn hissed, pinching Andrew under the table. Andrew jumped, far more, Dee was sure, then was warranted. "I'm flushing the toilet the next time you're in the shower."

"Oh what else is new?" Andrew rolled his eyes.

"Dee... Ryo's met someone." Lyn sighed, looking at Dee with sympathetic eyes, biting his lip nervously. "I'm sorry, I thought, well until now, I though Bikky would have said something. You are still seeing him on the weekends right?"

"A couple nights a week, yeah." Dee said, almost mechanical, feeling like every gear in him had just ground to a rough halt. Ryo had met someone? Just when he was sure the pieces of his heart were too small to be broken any further, someone managed to stomp them just a little smaller. Leaving Ryo had been a dull constant ache, this... Dee honestly felt like someone had knifed him in the chest. There wasn't enough air in the room.

"Dee?" Andrew asked gently, reaching across the table to touch his hand, now feeling bad for putting Lyn back on the spot. Dee needed to know eventually though, he supposed.

Dee looked up, but not at Andrew, almost ignoring him. "Who?" he asked Ryo raggedly, not sure what would hurt more, a man or a woman. If it was a man, then Ryo just simply hadn't loved him, not like Dee loved Ryo anyway, that was a nearly intolerable thought. At the same time if it was a man, then Dee could just work on convincing himself Ryo was a deceiving bastard. If it was a woman... Dee had always harbored doubts, worries that he had cornered Ryo into the relationship they had. Trapped him. Ryo wasn't really gay, or bi, or any of that crap. He was just too nice for his own good, and Dee was the fucker.

"I think her name is Mary..." Lyn said softly, still chewing his lip. He wasn't sure what to say. Ryo talked her up, a lot. She was attractive, great personality, kind hearted. In fact, Ryo talked her up so much, Lyn was almost positive it was himself that Ryo was trying to convince, not Lyn. There was so much about Mary, and no mention of Dee. Not a breath. It seemed unnatural, to Lyn, false. For one it was so damned soon, just a couple months, since he and Dee had broken up. That wasn't long enough. Far too short a time for Ryo to start dating again, if anyone had asked Lyn, which they had not. Far too short of a time for Ryo to completely erased Dee from his life. Especially considering they shared custody of Bikky.

"I guess that explains why Bikky is over on Fridays so much more these last few weeks." That was the best Dee could manage.

"Dee," Andrew said softly, waiting until Dee looked at him, well, at least looked in his direction, he couldn't hold Andrew's eyes, didn't even really meet them. "don't you start emotionally abusing yourself. He's the one making the mistakes. Not you."

Lyn had to agree on that account, even as a somewhat more neutral party. Ryo was pushing things, rushing things, trying too hard to prove... lord only knew. Dee, Dee had taken steps to improve himself, find ways to heal from what had been, Lyn knew from Andrew's inferences, a devastating emotional blow. Lyn could see it too. The man sitting across from him was not that man who had joked about S&M in his living room four months ago.

"I'm fine, Drew. Don't worry about me. I'm just pissed he still has my jacket." Dee managed a dry brittle smile. "I better go. I need to try and get a couple hours of sleep before class." He handed Keiry back across the table to Lyn, after kissing her curly head. He gave Annie a similar kiss, tossing a twenty on the table, way more then his share, but he didn't care, money was nothing but paper. "See you later Drew. Lyn." he nodded and sketched a mock salute and a wink, striding off before Lyn or Andrew could manage to form an objection.

Dee strode out of the small diner and into the early morning foot traffic, disappearing easily amidst the hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers, like an bee in a hive. One more worker bee, identical to all the other worker bees around him. No one would notice if he didn't come back to the hive. The only reason people would notice if he fell off the face of the planet is because they wanted something from him. Work would call, of course. Ryo would, just to be sure Bikky would be there that weekend, so he could go out with his pretty little straight girl. His co worker cum 'friends' would be vaguely surprised, but it wouldn't be life stopping. The only one who would care was Bikky. Just like Jess.

Dee switched the direction he was heading, cutting east before heading back north. Bikky should be on his way to school. As far as Dee knew, he took the same route every day. It would still take some luck to catch him, but what else did he have to do anyway.

After ten blocks he started to jog, checking his watch. He was cutting it close. In fact Dee was almost positive he was going to miss him. He rounded the corner of seventh, moving onto Kissinger. He stopped three blocks down Kissinger, ducking into an alley way. If he had managed to beat Bikky, and Bikky was taking this route, he would be climbing over that fence in the next five minutes. He leaned back against the wall, hands in his pockets, dropping his head back against the brick and closing his eyes.

"Dee?"

Dee hadn't realized any time had passed, even though it had only been a few minutes at most, it had managed to slip from his grasp. He straightened, turning to the fence as Bikky hopped down onto the pavement.

"What are you doing here?" Bikky looked worried.

"Just wanted to see you, sport." He grinned, sauntering over to Bikky. "Unless of course, you're too cool to be seen walking to school with your whatever." It was Dee's official title 'whatever'. Bikky had dubbed him such after watching Muppet Treasure Island, and Gonzo's species had been determined as 'whatever'.

"Nah, just try not to be a retard, okay?" Bikky rolled his eyes heavenward, as if asking the Holy Father to give him the strength to deal with his super lame double dutch retarded whatever.

"Okay... so I should untuck my jeans from my socks?" Dee asked with a smile, resting a hand between Bikky's shoulders, guiding him out of the alley.

"Yeah, please. And, just a little tip Dee... the tighty-whiteys go_ under_ your pants. That's why they are called 'under'wear."

"Damn, no wonder I was getting so many weird looks. I thought the hole in front was for my wallet." Dee managed to say it with a straight face, barely.

"Oh my god! Only you Dee!" Bikky was terribly amused and embarrassed all at the same time, a faint pink actually heating his cheeks, even as he laughed. "For your wallet. God your dumb."

"Who would you mock if I wasn't, hmmm?" Dee grinned a little, managing to have amused himself in the process, picturing wearing his underwear on the outside of his jeans and sticking his walled in the front flap.

"I guess every village needs and idiot." Bikky agreed, not shrugging off Dee's hand even once they were back in the crowd.

"I thought that's what we elected George Dubbya for." Dee chuckled, shaking his head. He hadn't been a fan of bush in years, so he most certainly hadn't elected one to be president.

"jshyeah." Bikky rolled his eyes. He didn't actually know much of anything about politics. He had far more important things on his plate, like working on his jump shot. But he knew Dee didn't like him, and Ryo changed the channel every time he came up on the news. He knew there was some shit about making a law against queers getting married. He decided by default, that he didn't like Bush either.

"You have no clue do you?" Dee laughed.

"Yeah right. Like I care." Bikky rolled his eyes again. "That's lame adult stuff."

"You've got that right bud. If anyone ever asks, just tell them your a pinko commie, okay?" Dee grinned, doubting anyone Bikky's age had any idea what a 'pinko commie' was anyway.

"Whatever man, whatever." Bikky clucked his tongue, glancing up at Dee, wondering exactly why he was here. He had to have just gotten off work. He looked kind of tired, and like maybe he wasn't feeling to well. Bikky wrapped an arm around Dee's waist, walking close against his side.

"I know, I'm a crazy old geezer." Dee agreed, his arm going around Bikky's shoulders, surprised that Bikky was being so touchy feely with him. Bik had always been someone who wanted a lot of touch, but generally the gentler expressions of it were reserved for Ryo. Dee got the rough housing.

"True that." Bikky nodded sagely, falling quiet.

It was a quiet journey the rest of the way to P.S. 82, neither of them finding the need to say too much. Bikky was finding it harder and harder to talk to Dee. Not because he didn't want to... but Bikky didn't want to be the one to tell Dee that Ryo had moved on. Ryo refused to tell him, and so Bikky didn't know what to do. He wanted to talk about Mary, about Ryo, about Mary and Ryo. He hated the whole damn thing, and he wanted to talk about it. But to talk about it, he had to tell Dee.

"Alright tiger. I'll let you walk the last block around. Wouldn't want to ruin your rep." He smiled. "I know you think you're badass."

"I am badass. No think about it." Bikky sighed though. "Dee..."

"What's up?" he asked, crouching down to be on eyelevel with the kid.

"I have to tell you something." Bikky said softly, looking down at his ragged sneakers, he felt a little sick, and he wrapped his arms around his stomach. "Don't get mad, okay?"

"I wont..." Dee said slowly, watching his son closely, he looked absolutely ripped up about something. What could he have done that had him so worked up?

"Ryo... Ryo..." Bikky bit his lip. "He's going steady with some chick." He managed to squeak out finally, then closing his eyes tight, waiting for Dee to flip.

"I know." Dee sighed softly, smoothing back Bikky's blonde hair. "I know kiddo, you can relax. You weren't the one to tell me. Don't you worry about all that, alright? That's lame adult stuff too." Poor kid... damn Ryo anyway! Dee smoothed his hair again, caressing his cheek. "Its okay Bikky."

"I didn't want to tell you! But Ryo said he didn't have to because it was none of your business. But... but you were gonna find out." Bikky said quickly. It wasn't even the breaking of the news that he was so upset about. He knew how he'd feel if Cal decided to stop hanging out with him, and hang out with some other guy instead.

"That shouldn't have been on your head. Do you feel any better? Now that its off your chest?"

"Yeah." Bikky let out a slow breath "Yeah I do. Can I stay at your place tonight?" Mary was coming over.

"I'm fine with it. I will call your dad about it. Get to school, alright? I'll leave a message with the school secretary so you know where you're going, alright?"

"Sure. Thanks Dee." Bikky was finally able to look him in the eye.

"Anything kiddo, anything." Dee hugged him tight, surprised when Bikky let him, even hugging him back a little. He squeezed Bikky to him for several long moments, turning his face against his hair, kissing the top of his head before shooing him on his way, watching him trot off down the street. _You're my world, little guy_ Dee thought himself, realizing with some surprise Bikky was the one person he loved most in this world. He had always loved him, but the kid was fast rising in his list of priorities. Maybe God did always have a silver lining for you somewhere.


	14. Losing Ground

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate:

Chapter Thirteen: Losing Ground

By:Irish

Ryo knotted his tie with slow fingers. Normally it was a process he could whip through in a few seconds with out thought, but tonight... his fingers were slow. He wasn't sure why. Date three with Mary had been weeks ago. He had been nervous to the point of nausea that night. He wasn't sure he was ready for sex with someone else. He also thought, ethically, he should get tested for STIs. The very thought of that made his stomach turn. He had never been checked before, despite having had sex. They had used a condom, nothing weird had happened down below. _'And that was with a woman'_ a nasty little voice whispered _'everyone knows gay sex is dirty'_.

He finally got his tie properly knotted, and instead stood, staring at himself in the mirror. _'How can you possibly call what you had with Dee dirty?'_ he asked his reflection. Ryo had never met anyone, man or woman, as loving and loyal as Dee, complete and unconditional in his devotion. _'Oh no, not unconditional. It was he who left you'_ Ryo glared at himself _'**after** I broke his heart. Every day. For almost three years.'_ and yet, who had he called when he had broken down? And Dee had come. In spite of all of it... Dee had come to him, held him, loved him.

_'You were in love with him. Were? Oh no, am. I am in love with him. So what the **fuck**__am I doing here?'_ he shook his head, hugging himself with one arm, the tips of the fingers of his other hand resting in his forehead. _'Anything... anyone... else will just be making due. I better be honest with myself on that up front.'_ It was true. He had known it from word go. He had know he had no feelings for Mary. In fact, he barely even liked her as a person. He couldn't do this to someone he cared about, play this game. The love would come, the attraction would come. He just had to be patient. Besides, the things about her that made him cringe were things he damn well ought to be paying lip service to. If he was going to play WASP, he was going to play it well.

He fixed his hair a bit, like it made any difference. They might as well have both signed the marriage contract anyway. Unless he made some huge misstep, this was in the bag. They were on date six. The way things had been progressing, tonight clothes were probably coming off. He wasn't nervous though. Not like he had been on date three. At this point, he didn't even care any more. He was pretty confident he could perform. He had done it before. He had managed during the making out, when her hands had started to wander on date five.

Taking a long deep breath, Ryo finally forced himself out of the bathroom. Bikky was at Dee's. He hated Mary. He hated Mary more then he pretended to hate Dee. He would learn too, though. Bikky needed a mother in his life. Maybe that would even out his behavior. Because everyone knew traditional families were the best... right?

He slipped on his black dress shoes, a tad worn, he wore them a lot, certainly not Gucci wing tips. Ryo smiled faintly to himself as he propped a foot up on the arm of the couch, licking his thumb and wiping a way a smudge. Definitely not Gucci. He was pretty sure he had gotten these at Marshel-Feilds. In fact, come to think of it, the slacks were from Dayton's, and the shirt might have been from, God forbid... J.C. Penny's. The tie was a gift from Elena. Black, with a very thin red stripe that sort of wrapped around the tie. It was silk. Dee had threatened to use it to tie him to the bed. _'Silk, and boring, perfect erotic restraints.' _He had grinned and winked. Not the obnoxious grin and wink that he gave the guys at the office when he was being smutty, the real one.

Car keys he grabbed from the kitchen counter as he headed out the door, locking it securely behind him. He had high end coffee, and extremely expensive brandy for later and he might well need both. Ryo sighed deeply, shaking his head. He took the stairs down to the ground level. He really was procrastinating... and he was going to be late.

Once in his Taurus, he took another deep breath, glancing at himself in the rear view mirror. He reminded himself about how the conversation with his aunt would go, had he stayed with Dee.

_'Hello aunty, um, I do have a reason for calling actually. Yes, you see, I'm gay. Yup, queer faggot, that about sums it up. In fact I do like taking it up the ass aunty. Who am I with? Well, you remember my partner Dee, who you can't stand, and once compared to a gorilla... Why yes it is him. No, he still smokes... and drinks... and swears. And as of kinky anal sex this morning, he was, indeed, still a man...'_

It was all the motivation he needed to pull out of his parking spot, and make tracks to Mary's apartment. It wasn't Mary's actually, nor was it an apartment. She had been sure to outline that very clearly. I t was her families 'condo in the city'. Mary was there quite frequently. Every weekend in the last month, in fact. It had its own heated parking garage. And spa, and lord knew what else. Ryo had started to try and count the wooden panels of the restaurant wall just be hind her head at that point.

He parked, after being waved through by the lot attendant, dressed in full valet uniform, and took the elevator up to the twentieth floor, finding the door to Mary's condo no problem. He had been here enough... He knocked lightly, shaking out his limbs a moment before forcing a smile onto his face as the door was opened.

"Randy!" Mary beamed. "I was starting to worry." She smoothed her hands over his chest, vaguely pretending to be smoothing his shirt.

"Sorry, didn't mean to worry you." he checked his watch. He was five minutes late. Dee would have told him he was early. "Traffic, you know." he chuckled dryly. "Are you ready?"

"Oh, not quite, just give me ten minutes, make yourself comfortable. There is spring water in the fridge." She gave him another grin, before trotting back down the hall and out of his line of vision. Ryo had no clue what in the hell she needed another ten minutes for, and how he could be late when she wasn't even ready... but it was all part of the game. He had to remember to play by the rules. They always make you wait, and you had damned well better be early.

Ryo decided to skip the spring water in the fridge. He hated the kitchen here, though he had only been in it once. I had been like going into a hospital, nearly anispectically clean, shinny metal and tile. If the shelves were taken out of the fridge, he could have stood upright in it easily. Ryo knew he was-- not short, he refused to be short, and really, he wasn't. He just happened to be average, and all the men he knew happened to be tall. Reaching into the fridge, averagely heighten person that he was, made him nervous, as though some evil witch would come up from behind and shove him in and shut the door. Which was beyond childish, really.

He walked slowly through the living room to the large floor to ceiling windows that over looked the skyline. It wasn't the same angle that he gazed at, standing with Dee on that cold early spring night. _'I guess this the part where I say I love you...'_ The relief and hope on Dee's face had been overwhelming, and Ryo remembered how his heart jolted when he realized what Dee must have been feeling, for so very long.

Ryo shook his head to clear it. Bikky said Dee had started school, gone back to college to get his Bachelors. Dee didn't need him, he would cope. A deep breath rose his shoulders, they lowered by degrees as he let it out slowly. Dee was gone. End of story. And he damned well better get his head out of yesterday.

"Randy?" Mary called, a smile in her voice as she came up behind him, caressing his shoulder. "Deep in thought?"

Ryo jumped a touch at the smooth hand on his dress shirt, no calluses to catch on the fabric. Nothing like Dee's hands. "Hmm? I guess I was." He smiled a bit, then chuckled shaking his head. "I need to learn to leave work at work." He lied.

"Hard case?" She cooed, moving to stand behind him, massaging his shoulders lightly. Really only making things more sore, not having strong enough hands to relieve and tension.

"Yeah its a-- you don't want to know." he smiled, "No reason to upset you. Its gory." he turned to her, taking her hands from his shoulders as he turned, drawing them around his neck and her closer to his body. "I have better things to think of now."

Mary smiled, pleased. "We could stay in," she suggested in a soft purring voice, her fingers caressing the short hairs at the base of his skull. It did make him shiver just a little, and he debated with himself as he lowered his hands to her hips. He knew what she meant, by staying in, and it had to happen eventually. He had been expecting it tonight, he reminded himself.

"We could," He agreed. "I know a good chinese place that delivers. If you have some good wine?" He knew very well she did. Wine that cost more then what he made in a day.

"In fact I do." She smiled, batting mascaraed lashes at him, pale blue eyes faking naiveté. "Although it is a shame that we got all glammed up just to stay in."

God he hated this. He was so tempted to do what he knew Dee would tell him to do _'Listen, if you want to fuck, lets fuck. If you don't want to fuck, then lets go out.'_ But no. They had to banter back and forth, she making the offer, then backing off when he accepted. Now, when he backed off, she would offer again. "That's true, you do look very nice indeed, I would hate to keep you all to myself." Oh how he would hate that.

"Chinese does sound good though. Maybe you could teach me to use chopsticks? I never could get the hang of it." More fluttering lashes.

Ryo smiled as he bit his tongue. _'Just because I'm asian doesn't mean I know how to use chopsticks!'_. Of course, he did know, but he had also _lived_ in Japan for about three years when he was quite young. She didn't know that though. She only knew that his mother was Asian, probably not even what country. "Sounds like a plan. What would you like, any preferences?"

"Oh no, I am sure you would know much better then I. I'll go get the wine." She gave him one more smiled as she leaned up and kissed him softly. Ryo kissed her back, watching her go.

_'I'm **Japanese**__you retard! Not Chinese! It is an entirely separate country!'_ He waited a few beats before walking to the phone next to the couch, he almost crouched down, flat footed to dial, but caught himself. Talk about a good way to stereotype yourself as Asian. He shook his head, instead sitting down on the edge of the couch. He had the number memorized. He and Bikky ate a lot of take out from there.

When he was done ordering he went to the kitchen to find Mary. She met him where carpet met tile, handing him a glass of dark wine. "How long do we have?" She asked him sweetly, laying a hand on his chest.

"Half an hour or so." And he had no idea how to kill that time. He sure as hell wasn't going to be able to suggest watching the news. "Did I tell you Bikky made JV basket ball?" he asked with a smile, putting a light hand on the small of her back, guiding her back into the living room.

"Um, what kind of basketball?" She smiled, but this one was smaller as she sat down on the couch, just far enough away that they could face each other, a scant inch or so between their knees.

"Junior Varsity. He's only thirteen, and that's at the High School level, second string, but still. Most of the kids are like sixteen, so that's really pretty good." Ryo smiled genuinely for the first time that night, he was really proud of Bikky, and Ryo encouraged his interest in sports. You had to have decent grades to stay on a team, only a C average. But it was a start.

"Ooh, right, junior varsity." Mary nodded, tossing a sheaf of straight blonde hair over her shoulder. "Is that all he plays?"

"For right now. He's mentioned track come spring though. I think that it would be good for him, its not something he's quite as familiar with. It will move him out of his comfort zone a little, besides it will be great conditioning. The kids got paws like a great dane, but he's still pretty short compared to the guys on the team, so he needs to be fast to stay competitive." Ryo hardly paused for breath, he had been really ecstatic for Bikky. "I'm hoping he'll do hurdles, if he has any skill for it, the agility he would hone... He might be looking at Varsity before he's even a freshman."

"Right..." Mary nodded, blinking a little, eyes a tad glazed. "Um, that's great Randy. Have you talked to Richard Smith, didn't he used to play Basketball?"

Oh God, that had been ten going on fifteen years ago. High School. What did he care? For that matter, what did she care? "Uh, no I think he was on the wrestling team, and the last time I talked to him was..." he thought back, way back. "I ran into him once my sophomore year of college, when I was home for semester break."

"Oh, really? Well, you know he just married Jenny Silverman. Do you remember her? She was the one who was dating Kenny Williams? Anyway, they got married just last year, and she just got pregnant. I was so happy for them, because you know her mom died just this summer..."

It was Ryo's turn for glazed eyes as she droned on about people that he had known in a different life time. No one he kept in touch with and not likely anyone he would care to talk to anyway, but they were all part of the WASP culture up state. Most of them fairly old money, families that had lived in that area for generations. Nothing that meant anything to Ryo. That was what it was all about though, the dish, the scoop, the skinny. Who was doing what that made that person just a little less then you in some way.

"I think Dean got ticketed for picking up a prostitute." Ryo said with out thinking, remembering seeing the man in questions name on the blotter from the night before. It had been, probably months ago, but at the time it had given him a little chuckle. The prostitute in question was a shemale. He had pointed it out to Dee.

_'He went to high school with me. He was always bragging about his sexploits and conquests. Now he's buying it from a tranny. I guess its petty of me... but damn.'_ he had had a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter, also feeling a little bad for the man. There were only two reasons men picked up trans gals, either because they were tapped and trannies were cheaper, or because they liked men but wanted to pretend they didn't.

The moment he saw the look on Mary's face though, the entire situation lost its humor for him. He hadn't meant to say it, really, it just slipped from his mouth, and now Mary looked like a cat who had spotted the canary.

"Oh my God!" she gasped, pretending to be horrified. "He didn't! Did you arrest him?"

"No, no, I don't work beat." Although he did help with sting operations to catch johns, and more often, prostitutes, which was how Dean had gotten caught. He had no desire though, about discussing the one time he had tried to play the john. Dee had refused flat out.

_'These girls aren't hurting anyone. Its bullshit that we bust their nuts, they are just trying to get by. Its the johns that go home to their wives and kids at night and are willing to pay desperate women. Bull shit. No way.'_

Ryo had almost died on the spot, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth when the woman had leaned in to the department car, her breasts practically falling out of her low cut shirt.

_'Need directions sugar?'_ She had smelled cop on him after about three seconds and had walked away. Drake had laughed until he cried when Ryo came back to where they were watching from, face crimson. Dee hadn't laughed though.

_'Its okay baby, she wasn't hurting no one. She's one of the ones we should be protecting, not arresting. Ignore Drake, he's a fuck.'_

Mary had gone off on some tangent by the time Ryo remembered to pay attention. He had no idea what they were even talking about any more. he was saved from answering by the door though, and he leapt to his feet, realizing her hand was on his thigh. "Dinner." he smiled, hastily moving to answer the door.

He paid the delivery guy, and he and Mary had sat down at the table, god forbid they do something as casual and romantic as sit at the coffee table, like he and Dee had so often. No, from now on, dinner would be formal. He tried to teach her to use chopsticks, but gave up when she obviously wasn't even trying, just using it as a flirting tactic. He tried to help her load the dishwasher, the maid wouldn't be in until monday, but she had shooed him out of the kitchen with his third glass of wine for the night.

By the time she joined him again on the couch, he had gotten down half the glass, having taken two long drinks of it, hoping it would go straight to his head... or really, he supposed, his crotch.

"You know Randy there is no reason to keep your shoes and tie on, you're not planning to dash off are you?" She leaned closer to him kneeling a little on the couch, starting to unknot his tie, smiling. Her pale dress wasn't low cut, but with her kneeling and leaning forward, he could easily see down it, no accident on her part. He tried to keep his eyes on her face, but that wasn't any better, when he looked up she was about three inches from his mouth.

Ryo was suddenly wishing he hadn't had so much wine. He couldn't leave now, unless he was walking. He was probably under the legal limit, but it didn't take much to effect him.

"No, I'm not intending to dash off." he smiled, slipping off his shoes, nudging them out of the way with a foot. _'Run away! For the love of god run away!'_ "Not at all." He smiled again as she slowly dragged his tie from his collar, wrapping it around her hand and setting it on the coffee table.

"Good." He had no choice but to look up as she put two fingers under his chin and raised his face to hers. "Is something wrong Randy?"

"No, no, not a thing." God, if he didn't start taking charge here, she was going to think there was something wrong with him. "Just... not wanting to misinterpret." He excused lamely. He didn't give her time to question as he leaned forward just a bit and met her lips, kissing her chastely at first, drawing her down onto his lap as he deepened the kiss, forcing his mind to blank, to not think about what was happening, just let his body do its thing and he would be fine.

The kissing heated, and Ryo let his shirt be unbuttoned, unzipping her dress, but only slipping it off one shoulder. He tried to be sensual, to make it more then just reflex. He wanted it to be something, to mean something. He would have given an awful lot as he carried her back to her bedroom for there to be some actual spark there, something to suggest that there was some attraction, some tenderness, anything.

There wasn't.

They used protection he had brought, though he saw she had a couple on her bedside table as well. He prayed he wasn't expect to use them all. He was lucky to be getting through this. He didn't remember climaxing, though he suppose he must have, because he found himself leaning heavily on his forearms, head down, panting, his hips still. He must have done all right by her too, she was stroking his back, and he could feel hot lines where her nails must have raked over his skin.

At least the condom was a good excuse not to linger over her. He escaped to the bathroom, whispering something, he didn't know what, probably _'be right back baby'_. Once the condom was disposed of, he cleaned up quickly, looking around in a vain hope that his disposed of clothing was somewhere near at hand, his boxers at least. He didn't want to get back into bed with her naked.

Of course there was nothing of his in the bathroom, there was no reason for there to be. He was pretty sure his shirt was in the hall, along with his belt, his pants and boxers had to be by the side of the bed. Left with no remaining options, he opened the door, shutting off the bathroom light, padding back to bed. She was sitting up, waiting for him.

"You were amazing." She whispered, catching the back of his neck, pulling him down for a long lingering kiss, before she stood, taking the bed sheet she held over herself as she padded to the bathroom. She paused at the door. "Will you stay?"

_'No! No! No!'_ "Of course." he smiled, the brittleness of it hidden in the dark. When she had disappeared into the bathroom, he pulled on his boxers, plain black, then sat down on the edge of the bed, face in his hands. There was no turning back now.

Aurthur's Note: Don't kill me! Its my story so if you don't like it write your own :P. I've been holding on to this for a while, because its a tough chapter, but here it is.


	15. Admission of Guilt

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate

Chapter Fourteen:

Admission of Guilt

By: Irish

Ryo had left early in the morning, very early, claiming he wanted to clean up before he picked up Bikky. It was a total lie, Bikky wasn't supposed to be home for another day, and sure as hell not early in the morning. As if Bikky or Dee would ever be up that early, given the choice. Mary had accepted it though, and that was what mattered.

It was freezing, even in the heated parking garage. Surely a morning that the grass in Central Park would be frozen stiff and frosted over. Ryo moved quickly to his car, unlocking the door, shivering. Once in, he locked the doors and turned on the heater before dropping his head to the steering wheel. What the hell was wrong with him?

Shivering, he sat up enough to reach into the back seat, fumbling for the familiar leather of Dee's jacket. He pulled it to him, holding it to his face, inhaling the scent that was so purely Dee, despite how much he had been wearing it. The leather was so soft it almost felt like Dee's skin in some places, his brand of aftershave, subtle and masculine, the slightly sweet smell of Dee's brand of cigarets.

He rubbed the leather against his cheek before shrugging into its familiar weight, his hands disappearing into the sleeves, he hugged himself tight, turning his face against his shoulder to keep the scent close.

Ryo felt like a real bastard keeping Dee's jacket, it was getting cold, and it was Dee's only jacket, as far as Ryo knew. Not to mention the affair he was having with a ten year old leather jacket of a man who he had pushed and pushed until he left. He wondered if Dee had anything of his that he hugged to himself, smelled, touched. Then again, Ryo couldn't remember anything he was missing. He meant to return the jacket, he did, that was why it was in his back seat, but he could never make himself bring it in, hang it on the back of Dee's chair, maybe a couple packs of smokes as a thank you. Dee wouldn't smoke them though.

"Those things will kill you."

"Those will make your lungs bleed."

Dee had taken Bikky with him over to Lyn and Andrew's Sunday afternoon. He hadn't been invited, but he needed help with his homework, and Duke would keep Bikky entertained. He stood out on the back deck of the old victorian, shivering in the cold, damp air, still jacketless, smoking. There was a coffee can between the slats of the railing, there was probably some sand in the bottom, but all Dee could see was cigarette butts. Lyn was a half-assed smoker.

"At least that is temporary." Lyn retorted, taking a lungful of his Clove just for spite, and promptly choked on it.

"Riiight." Dee rolled his eyes, lighting a second cigarets off the butt of his first. "You are such a poser."

"No... I used to smoke the real deal. Until Andrew got me trained in. Apparently it wasn't the nicotine I was addicted to, just an oral fixation." Lyn chuckled a little. It was hard to tell if he was kidding or not.

"Andrew couldn't give you a hand with that oral fixation?" Dee raised an eyebrow. "I mean, I can think of a helluva lot of better things to put in your mouth."

"As can I... but you get arrested when you do that on the back porch." Lyn glanced at Dee and dropped him a wink.

"I was talking about bubble gum, perv." Dee laughed, shaking his head, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Do you want a damned coat? You are going to freeze. Its not like its getting warmer." Lyn was wearing his own leather coat, zipped all the way up, he even had gloves on. That was a bit much, Dee thought, but he knew Lyn's hands gave him problems.

"Nah. I should just get another one." he shook his head, ashing his cigarets onto the rocks just below the deck.

"No, you should ask for yours back!" Lyn said indignantly, pushing his glasses up on his nose with a geeky movement, dragging on his clove cigarets the next with utter sophistication. Dee could see what Andrew saw in Lyn, aside from the fact that Dee had never seen a prettier man. He was so high class when he wanted to be, sort of an icy sexiness. Other times, he was like a sweet but shy geek. A lot like Ryo, actually.

"I don't want it now." Dee shook his head. It would smell like Ryo. "Besides, it's like ten years old. I think I can manage to afford a new jacket once every ten years. I'm a cop, not a short order cook."

"Your biz, man." Lyn shrugged, the street slang absolutely ludicrous coming from Lyn's finely honed lips, but Dee was pretty sure that was the point. "How's the Bikster? Aside from hyper active?" He glanced over his shoulder through the sliding glass door that looked into the dining room, where Bikky was rolling around on the floor with the giant dane.

"Good, all things considered. He made JV basketball. He's playing it down, but he's been practically floating all weekend." Dee smiled a little, glancing back as well. It was hard to tell if Bikky was playing with Duke... or if Duke was playing with him.

"Good for him. If you had told me I would have made a cake or something."

"Bull shit. You would have made Andrew make a cake. You can't bake to save your life." Dee chuckled, then sighed deeply, again reminded of Ryo.

"Alright, you caught me." Lyn dropped his butt, smoked down to the filter, into the coffee can near his feet. "I don't know why..."

"Because you get distracted and leave it in the oven. Damn, and they say I'm ADHD." Dee rolled his eyes, taking a long drag, trying to smoke his second quickly to get inside.

"Shut it." Lyn said in a mock warning voice. "I will have you know, I am properly medicated." Lyn sniffed, turning his nose up.

"Yeah yeah yeah." Dee managed to inhale the rest of his smoke in three lungfuls, exhaling the last as he dropped his butt in with Lyn's, following Lyn into the house.

"Are you two smoking cigarettes or weed out there? Took you long enough." Andrew called from the living room, where he was with the two girls.

"Crack, actually." Dee replied. "My pipe didn't want to light. We had to settle for meth."

"Oh, well as long as it was only meth." Andrew replied, sounding serious to anyone who didn't know him.

"Bik, give Duke a break." Dee chuckled, leaning down and snagging bikky by the waist, managing to hoist him under his arm, and carry him like a football into the living room.

"Put me down, retard!" Bikky shouted, but he was laughing as he squirmed, hands clutching at Dee's shirt, not wanting to fall.

"Yeah like I'm going to put you down now." he swung Bikky around and tossed him over his shoulder, grunting a little with the effort. "Damn boy, are you getting taller or fatter?" Dee laughed, knowing what the answer was.

"Taller, jackass!" He slapped Dee's butt, but after one good hit, he cackled gleefully, taking Dee's wallet out of his back pocket "Haha! Sucka! Whats the limit on this card?"

"Jokes on you." Dee laughed. "Its expired!" he crossed the living room, careful of the little fingers and toes of the girls, tossing Bikky onto the couch. "besides, that's my decoy."

Bikky was flipping through the wallet, seeing that it was, the license was expired, corner cut. The credit card long expired long ago and there was only about twenty bucks, in ones and fives. The pictures, Bikky could see, were actually just color copies. He flipped through them, there was maybe half a dozen. Two were actually just prayer cards for St. Jude and St. Michael. Three were of Bikky himself, all his school photos since they had met. One was of Dee and Ryo. Bikky didn't know who had taken it, or even where, but it was fall, judging by the leaves scattered around them in the picture. Ryo must have just stumbled, and literally fallen into Dee's lap, both of them laughing, Ryo sort of sprawled between Dee's legs, cradled, albeit awkwardly in his arms, a leaf in his hair. They were looking at each other like there was no one else in the world.

"Jshyeah, it better be, hardly enough to buy a cup of joe." Bikky snorted, taking about half the cash in the wallet before tossing it back to Dee, ignoring the hot, tight knot in his throat. God he hated that bitch Mary.

"I'm a cop, not a lawyer." Dee laughed, throwing a pillow at Lyn, who caught it easily. "Some of us have morals."

"Yeah yeah, first we'll kill all the lawyers. Get in line, it starts with Shakespeare." Lyn folded himself into a chair behind his husband who sat on the ground with the girls.

"I'm sure you could find a much better excuse to off Lyn." Andrew said helpfully, holding onto Annie's hands as she took careful toddling steps, managing about three before she fell hard on her diapered butt. Andrew picked her up, setting her on her feet before she got a chance to cry.

"Don't you guys have homework or something." Lyn said peevishly, picking Keiry up, letting her stand on his thighs so she could put barrettes in his hair.

"Yeah, Bik, you get yours out too." Dee said, easing onto the floor with Andrew. "I want you to have at least one subject done before you go back to Ryo's, or he'll think I do nothing but get you drunk and buy you strippers."

"I wish." Bikky rolled his eyes and got up, grabbing his backpack and Dee's as well, dropping Dee's in his lap, flopping down on the couch with his own.

Lyn took over wrangling the girls, Andrew shifting closer to Dee and taking his text book from him, reading the text out loud for him, pausing if Dee seemed to start to get overwhelmed. Andrew had been sure since Dee had come into his office needing help with his schedule, that Dee had a learning disorder, but Dee would hear no such thing, and doggedly attacked his studies. It wasn't any lack of intelligence, no matter what Dee liked to say. He was damn sharp. But when it came to reading and writing... Andrew was pretty sure your average ten year old could do better, but Dee could repeat lecture back almost verbatim.

Lyn carried the girls upstairs, deep in thought as he did, not noticing as Keiry started to pull the barrettes from his hair, with out bothering to unclip them, and Annie started to use his shirt collar as a chew toy. He had been trying to peg down Ryo for a couple weeks now to have coffee or dinner, or something, but Ryo had nothing but excuses for him. Lyn was done with excuses.

He set the girls down amidst a scatter of toys in the library and flipped out his cell phone. He had attempted to get a hold of Ryo so many times he had the numbers memorized. It rang, rang again, a third time, then finally:

"McLean speaking?"

To Lyn it sounded as thought Ryo had been napping. That seemed a bit odd, but Lyn didn't comment. In fact he paused a long moment before he spoke, so may things coming to the tip of his tongue.

"Ryo, its Lyn." His voice was a little flat and he knew it, and he tried to shake himself of the whirling thoughts in his mind. He surely pitied Ryo, and in many ways understood where he was coming from, but, it was hard to watch the pain in Dee's eyes, and in Bikky's.

"Oh, ah, hi." Ryo said lamely.

"The girls and I are coming over. No more excuses Ryo. I know you aren't busy." Lyn had a moment of doubt, worried about sticking his nose in other peoples business, because this surely wasn't his. But he owed Dee his life.

"Lyn-"

"I mean it, no excuses. You've been putting me off for weeks now. What are you so afraid of?" Lyn watched the girls play on the rug, but not fully seeing them, his mind on other matters, like the voice on the other end of the line.

"Fine. Whatever." Ryo said coldly. The line clicked dead moments later, before Lyn could add anything, and he snapped his phone shut.

It took him a good twenty minutes to get out the door with the girls in tow, diaper backpack over one shoulder, a girl on either hip. He stuffed them in their car seats and himself behind the wheel after calling to Andrew that they would 'be back later', not bothering to go into detail. If Andrew really wanted to know, he'd call Lyn's cell.

It took another twenty minutes to get across town, and by the time Lyn had struggled two girls, a diaper backpack, and himself up to Ryo's apartment door, he was almost positive the man would have left. He knocked though, a smile playing on the stern line of his lips as Keiry mimicked him, knocking on the door and scowling in dramatic fashion.

"Hush you." He whispered to her, kissing her curls, even though she couldn't hear him. Annie sucked her three middle fingers, just taking it all in, as was her way.

By the time the door opened, Lyn had almost turned to walk away, more then a little peeved that Ryo would so brazenly stand him up. When the door did open though, most of Lyn's anger evaporated. Ryo looked like hell. Preppy hell. But hell.

Ryo didn't bother to say anything, just opening the door and stepping back to let him in. He was dressed so casually that for Ryo, it was almost like answering the door in a flour sack, a pair of gray yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt. His glasses were on his nose, and his hair was tousled. It actually wasn't a bad look for him, Lyn thought, but it certainly wasn't typical Ryo.

Lyn stepped in quietly, letting Ryo take Annie from his arms, and shrugging out of the diaper backpack, and his coat, and then removing the girls' coats. He glanced again at Ryo once that was done.

"You don't look good." He said, voice soft.

"I don't feel good." Ryo shrugged, moving into the living room with Annie. "Its like a tomb here." yet he couldn't bring himself to go out either. No Bikky, no Dee, no noise. Not that this was the first time ryo had been alone in an empty apartment. Sometimes he hardly noticed, but more and more those times alone seemed to loom and stretch like barren badlands over his life.

Lyn sighed deeply, and dropped down onto the couch, turning Keiry lose with a couple toys. It was true, in the gloomy day and with the silence, Lyn knew it would have driven him quite mad as well.

"What else happened?" the taller man asked, knowing it was more then a quiet apartment that had Ryo in his version of a robe and fuzzy slippers.

Ryo looked at Lyn for long moments, his dark eyes starting to glisten with unshed tears, before he turned away out the window. There wasn't a doubt in Ryo's mind that he officially qualified for scum of the year award... and the kick in the nuts was that it hadn't even been mediocre, and was like a flashlight compared to the sun, when held against his intimacy with Dee.

"We had sex." He said finally. A tear rolled down his cheek, but with his face turned away, Lyn couldn't see it. Annie did though, and her small sticky hand reached up and touched Ryo's check, her lower lip quivering as she picked up on the thick emotion filling the room. Keiry though, played on, oblivious.

Ryo hugged Annie closer, rubbing her back "Shh, little one, its okay." He reassured her in a horse whisper. He closed his eyes tight, turning his face against her black hair. She felt right in his arms, so very right. Was it worth it though? Did he really want to bring children into what was nothing but a lie?

"You had sex! With _her_?" Lyn knew he shouldn't react so vehemently, but he couldn't help it. He shuddered just a little, and actually had to resist the urge to gag. Most people were on a sliding scale, very few 100 gay or a 100 straight. Lyn though, was about 95 on the gay side.

"Yes." Ryo whispered. "With her." He didn't lift his face from Annie's hair. "Lyn... it... it was so bad..." he swallowed hard.

The lawyer sighed softly, what a mess. If Dee found out, Lyn didn't even want to think about it. Ryo was the one who had actually had to go through the ordeal though and Lyn couldn't help but feel for him. He knew what it was like, that feeling of being used and contaminated, and unable to complain, because you had been a willing participant in your own violation.

"Ryo..." Lyn sighed, going over to him, grasping his shoulders gentle. "Why are you doing this? Why? You don't love her, I know you don't. You aren't attracted to her. And I know for a fact, you miss Dee so bad it hurts, and he misses you, and Bikky misses the both of you."

Ryo's shoulders hitched and he bit back a sob. In his arms, Annie started to sniffle again. She didn't know what was wrong, but she knew people were upset. She stuck her three fingers in her mouth again, whimpering.

"Sorry, sweet pea." Ryo rasped, knowing he was upsetting her. He thought to hand her back to Lyn, but he knew how empathetic Annie was, and it wouldn't make a difference. Lyn was so right though. He missed Dee so much he could hardly breath sometimes. He also knew there was no way he could hide Dee from his family, had they stayed together.

"My family... would never accept him." Ryo shook his head. "I've lost my parents, I won't lose my aunt and uncle too." The part that was the worst was that although the whole gay thing would have upset his family greatly, Dee would be just utterly unacceptable. Maybe if he found some nice Gay Republican for Christ or something...

"They would learn to, in time. Ryo, your family loves you." Or at least Lyn assumed they did. Andrew's didn't, and actually Andrew's familial situation was almost identical, in retrospect. Andrew's parents had died when he wasn't too much older then Keiry though. "They wouldn't cast you out just because you're gay."

"I'm not gay!" Ryo hissed angrily. He turned, depositing Annie in Lyn's arms rather abruptly, starting to pace. "I'm not gay!" he said again then shook his head. "It doesn't matter, even if I was, and even if they were okay with it," he paused shooting Lyn a look "Strictly hypothetically speaking. They would never be okay with Dee. You don't get it, Lyn! McLean family is old money. Its stupid, I hate it, but its true. There are no gays in my family. There are no blue collar kind of folks. My mother not being white was utter scandal!"

Lyn frowned deeply, rocking Annie, trying to keep her from bursting into full blow tears. He hardly recognized Ryo any more. Not that he knew him too well in the first place, but the man who had sat at his dinning room table with his partner in what seemed like an eon ago, was not this man.

"That is the biggest load of bull shit I've ever heard in my life." Lyn's normally warm eyes had darkened considerably, his Irish temper starting to show. "If you are too scared to be honest with yourself about your sexuality, too concerned about other peoples' disapproval, too worried about clichés and gender norms. Fine. But at least have the balls to admit that _you're_ the one with the problem. Because you are. If you had any nuts at all, you would stand by your man because you love him. Your father managed. If you're going to be a stupid fuck, fine. But I won't let you blame everyone else for it."

Ryo looked at him, a little shocked, before shaking his head. "Don't tell me what I am, Lyn, don't you lecture me about being honest with myself. You aren't perfect! _He_ left _me_. What would have happened to you if Andrew had just decided you weren't worth the effort? That he couldn't wait around for you to get yourself sorted out? Hmm? How far would have you gotten?" Ryo glared hard at Lyn for a long moment, before he saw the look on his face. He had gone too far and he knew it.

"You are real good at pushing people away." Lyn said hoarsely, frozen to the spot.

Ryo bit his lip, god why did he keep doing this? Why did he keep lashing out and hurting people? Why was he so scared? What was wrong with him?

"Lyn... I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You're right... you're right." he shook his head, dragging the back of his hand across his eyes. He moved over to the couch and collapsed onto it, face in his hands.

Lyn sighed, and put Annie down with Keiry, moving over to the couch and sitting down next to Ryo, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Its okay, Ryo." He said softly, rubbing Ryo's Shoulder. "Its okay. We all make mistakes. But what are we going to do about you?" Because something had to be done. Ryo was spiraling out of control fast.

"I don't know." Ryo whispered, shaking his head. "You're right Lyn... I love him. I miss him. This is agony. I know, I _know,_ in my heart that I will never love anyone like I love him. Nothing can hold a candle to him, and to what we had. Nothing." he shook his head, swallowing the lump in his throat. "And sometimes, sometimes, for a moment, I tell myself that I am going to call him, or get up and go over to his place, and beg, on my knees if I have to, for him to take me back."

"So? What's the problem?" Lyn asked softly, fully knowing there was one, or they wouldn't be having this discussion right now. He continued to rub Ryo's shoulders gently.

"As soon as I move to do one of those things... I realize that even if I begged, he probably wouldn't take me back. That to do that would mean letting go of everything and everyone I've ever held dear." He took a deep shaky breath. "Either way, my heart breaks." Ryo drew his knees up to his chest, resting a cheek on them.

"I think you're very wrong about that first part. I think that if you came to Dee, fully, with your heart and soul, holding nothing back, secreting away nothing, he would take you in his arms in a second." Lyn said quietly, also knowing that even if Ryo came to Dee with the same set of issues... right now Dee would probably take him back anyway, and hate himself for it.

"As to the second..." Lyn thought a long moment. "I understand that you love your family, your aunt and uncle, and that its something that's very important to you. If you're all as close as you imply, well, it may take time, but they will love you for who you are. That is what families do."

"Maybe." Ryo said doubtfully. Dee, at one of his aunt's society parties? Dee would hate it, and Elena would hate him being here. Or the huge formal Christmas affair? Ye gods, that just reeked of disaster waiting to happen.

Lyn paused, looking at Ryo. "Do you actually love Dee?" He asked Ryo suddenly. It had only just occurred to him, he had taken Ryo's pain at face value, but suddenly he wondered. Was all that about his old money family just another excuse in the endless parade, or was that really the problem. Dee was from the wrong side of the tracks.

"What?" Ryo looked at the lawyer sharply "Didn't I just go on about how much I love him? Why do you even need to ask that?" He had pulled away from Lyn a little, not entirely, but now he was facing him more.

"Well..." Lyn said slowly. He turned his eyes to his girls. Annie had rediscovered her toes and was trying to fit them in her mouth. Keiry had pulled a baggy of cheerios out of the diaper bag, and was cramming handfuls into her mouth. "Would you be having such a problem if Dee was a little bit more educated... well spoken?" literate...

Ryo stared at Lyn a long moment. Would he be having such a problem? He bit his lip, not sure he even wanted to think about this. Dee was a wonderful person, once he trusted you there was no one more loyal or caring or devoted. Lyn was right though, Dee wasn't an educated man and rarely a tactful one. Was all this just some absolutely twisted version of class bias?

"No, that isn't the problem." Ryo said finally, quiet, but resolute. "He is over the top sometimes," and even in saying that, it still made Ryo smile thinking about just how 'over the top' Dee could be. "But he's also utterly unpretentious and that's one of the things I find so endearing about him. You always know exactly where you stand with him."

"Isn't that the truth." Lyn chuckled, shaking his head. "He never does anything half way. Its either all or nothing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah it is." A faint smile stayed on Ryo's lips, thinking of how Dee threw himself entirely into everything he did. He was passionate, sensual, neither in a strictly sexual sense either. He was so... alive. A flash of color in a black and white world.

"You know, you keep telling me you're not gay. After a night with Mary, how can you still say that?" Lyn asked softly. "You clearly didn't enjoy it. in fact seem to feel almost violated from it. Think about sex with her... and sex with Dee. And tell me again that you're 'not gay'."

Ryo turned away from Lyn to look out the window over the gray city. He couldn't. Lyn was right. Last night with Mary had proven to him that he didn't like women. He had managed to get it up, but that was about it. "I can't." He whispered.

"Okay... you love Dee... you don't like women, connect the dots for me here Ryo, why aren't you willing to be with him?" Obviously Ryo wasn't ready for that, but why? Lyn couldn't discern what it could possibly be.

Ryo felt hot tears in his eyes, they had never really left, but he let them trail down his cheek now, and soak into his pants, where his cheek rested against his knees. He didn't bother to try and stop them.

"Because I'm weak." he whispered. "Because I can't stand walking down the street, wondering if everyone knows. Because I'm not strong enough to brush off stares and glares and disapproval. I'm just... not strong enough Lyn. I can't do it. I just can't. Every time Dee touched me in public, I was looking around, praying no one had seen. We never went out, at least not romantically. He was right, he _was_ my dirty secret." Ryo shook his head again, the tears falling faster, hating himself for being so pathetically dependent on being 'normal' but unable to do anything else. "He doesn't deserve that. And I can't live like that, looking over my shoulder. I want children. Mary is... nice."

"You aren't happy like this." Lyn said softly, rubbing his back. "And you never will be. Don't fake being straight, Ryo, you'll just end up miserable. You can find some other way to have kids. Get counseling, get this sorted out. Stop running." Lyn could feel Ryo's misery radiating off him, saturating the very air.

"No." Ryo shook his head, pressing his eyes against his knees. "No. There is no way I could ever... ever talk about that with someone. I'm doing this to myself. I know that. I just wish I weren't inflicting it on everyone else too, especially those I love. Even knowing that I am... isn't enough to make me admit..." It just built on itself, circling the same few issues over and over, getting worse each time. He was gay, and that made him paranoid, so he played straight and was depressed, and hurting those around him, because he couldn't be honest which just made him feel worse.

"Well, until you're ready to help yourself..." Lyn shrugged, then hugged Ryo tightly, hurting for his friends, both of them. "When you're ready, you know Andrew and the girls and I are here for you. I think Dee would be too. And as long as you're happy, I think Bikky will be too."

Ryo could only nod against Lyn's shoulder, too choked up to speak, his shoulders shaking a little with repressed sobs. Somehow, Ryo doubted he'd ever know a moment of happiness again.

Author's Note: Okay lets not mention how long this took me to get out. Sorry its a bit um... well there isn't much action, the chapters more about shades of emotion. Angst, I guess. Ah well. Things are drawing to a head though. Hopefully I'm on a bit more of a writing kick for a while, but who knows.


	16. Be and Be Not Afraid

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, as are all other original characters, and you must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

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Irish Speaks: Sorry this isn't a very smooth transition from the last chapter. I have been obsessing over what would be a catalyst for Ryo to change. I got hit with this idea, and well… it seemed to fit better than anything else. Please forgive me for the rough chapter transition, but I hope the emotion in this chapter will be beautiful enough for you to forgive me.

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Delicate:

Chapter Fourteen: Be and Be Not Afraid

By: Irish

I may think that I know the True Heart's needs

My pride may bring me low, unable to see

No closer than yester day, but tomorrow I may stand

Be and be not afraid, to reach for heaven.

- Tracy Chapman

- Be and Be Not Afraid

It was the first third shift Ryo had worked in almost a year. Dee was working it too, but he was partnered with Drake, and Ryo hadn't even seen him at the precinct tonight. Just heard his voice over the police radio a time or two, just for minor beat calls.

It was sleeting so hard, the moment Ryo stepped out of the unmarked car, he was soaked. It was half frozen rain and immediately numbed his face and hands. He didn't know why he had stopped, but something told him he should. Maybe the street was just too quiet. He didn't know, but his hand rested on the butt of his service revolver.

"Ryo, what are you doing man?" Ted called, a few steps behind him.

"I don't know… just, something's wrong. I can feel it." Ryo walked back up the street towards a narrow alley. Had he seen something back there? He just didn't know. Water was actually running down the sidewalk, the sleet falling so heavily that it had filled the gutters to overflowing. Ryo's shoes were already soaked through. The street was silent.

"Ryo—" Ted started again

"Shh!" Ryo snapped, unholstering his flashlight with his off hand as he approached the alley. Had he heard something just under Ted's voice?

"Hello?" Ryo called from the mouth of the alleyway, trying to keep his hand steady. It was already numb, and Ryo was starting to shiver.

Thunder rolled overhead. Not the loud or booming sound of summer thunder, but a low grumbling sound, as if the thunder knew it was way too late in the season for it. Ryo cursed under his breath, sure he had just missed another sound in that thunder. He shone his maglite down alley.

"NYPD, is there anyone back here?" Ryo called, quietly, almost afraid to shout. The quiet of the neighborhood was almost eerie. When anything got this quiet in NYC, something was wrong. Dee had taught him that. It was like being in the woods, if all the 'birds' shut up, there was a reason for it.

There was a low whimper, and Ryo swung his flashlight in that direction of the sound. Two golden eyes blinked at him, then yowled. Just a tomcat. Ryo sighed and dropped his flashlight hand to his side.

"Christ, its just a cat." Ryo shook his head; sure Ted was going to call him nine kinds of fool.

"No… its not." Ted whispered, the kind of whisper people in horror movies use when they are seeing their foe, or a dead friend, for the first time. Ryo turned to look at him quickly.

"What? What is it?"

"Look at your feet man." Ted said in that same whisper, belatedly drawing his own gun and flashlight, pointing them down the alley. Ryo looked down at where his beam shown on the quarter inch deep stream of slush that poured from the alley out into the street.

"Oh my god," Ryo drew his gun. The slush wasn't clear, or even the brown or gray one might associate with New York precipitation. It was red. And it wasn't paint.

"NYPD! Come out with your hands on your head!" Ted called, rather foolishly, Ryo thought, doubting anyone bleeding enough to stain the runoff would be anything but mostly dead.

"Can't."

Ryo heard that. He pointed his flashlight in the direction of that pathetic gasp of sound. Off to one side, in the deepest of shadows, a prone form lay half curled in the fetal position, one hand outstretched towards the mouth of the alley. As Ryo's beam hit it, the hand lifted from the ground, reaching out for them.

Every cop instinct Ryo ever possessed flew out of his head. He holstered his weapon and rushed into the alley, dropping to his knees besides the person, taking that outstretched hand in his own.

"Where are you hurt?"

"Ryo!" Ted snapped, his beam dancing away from Ryo and the prone figure, sweeping the alleyway, looking for the perp that might have caused the damage, covering his partner's ass.

"Front."

Ryo set down his flashlight and helped the person roll slowly over onto his or her back. His. At least Ryo thought so. The man's frame was so narrow and wiry it could have been a woman's, but Ryo guessed the man's height at around six feet tall, maybe a little more, and he lacked breasts. His clothes were completely soaked through, so even enough breast to warrant a training bra would have been noticeable. His hair was long though, very long, and Ryo swept it from the man's face. His lips were turning blue.

"What's your name?" Ryo asked, immediately able to see the front of the man's coat was black with blood. He took his utility knife out of his pocket, and cut away both jacket and shirt, baring the man's chest. The sleet did them one favor and washed away the blood, so Ryo could see the wounds on the moon-pale flesh.

"S-s-sascha." Sascha gasped. His head was back, blue eyes staring vacantly up into the night. He was a mess, his torso all but shredded. With what, Ryo couldn't say for sure, but not something meant for cutting. High on his right side, Ryo could see, in the beam of his prone maglight, one of the wounds bubbled. Surely a punctured lung. Nor was Sascha shivering, even Ryo was shivering, and he wasn't losing blood by the pint. Sascha was in the final stages of hypothermia.

"Ted! We need a bus! Asap!" Ryo turned away from Sascha long enough to look and shout at Ted. Ted nodded and whipped out his cell phone.

"You're going to be okay Sascha." Ryo whispered, tearing off his own coat and folding it over Sascha's chest and stomach, trying to press everywhere at once. There were so many wounds; his hands couldn't cover them all.

Sascha shook his head slightly, then coughed wetly, blood spraying from his mouth. "No… dying testament," He rasped, his eyes quivered from side to side, as if he were searching the skies for some sort of answer to his pain.

"Nuh uh, I'm not accepting it, because you're not dying." Ryo said, wiping droplets of blood from Sascha's mouth and chin. He was beautiful, Ryo saw, easily as beautiful as Lyn and in much the same way.

"Ryo, we got a problem!" Ted called from the mouth of the alley. "There are car accidents all over the city, and the streets are freezing. They'll get here as soon as they can, but…"

Ryo didn't need Ted to finish. He knew what the 'but' meant. But there was no way they would get here fast enough to save Sascha's life. The detective couldn't help but shudder. It was eerily like the story Lyn had told him, when they first met, of how Dee had saved Lyn's life.

"Dying statement." Sascha insisted, he lifted a fragile hand, also cut to pieces, Ryo saw, with defensive wounds, and gripped Ryo's wrist hard.

"Okay, okay, tell me." Ryo whispered, moving his knee to take the place of his hand, switching around Sascha's grip on his wrist, so he was holding Sascha's hand.

"Was-was walking home, jumped me." Sascha's teeth chatter, even though he wasn't shivering anywhere else. It was probably the shock. "No-no-no idea what he looked like. Ch-check the glass."

"Check the glass? What do you mean?" Ryo asked, bringing the bleeding hand gripping and being gripped in his own so tightly against his chest, holding it there, trying to warm what couldn't be warmed.

"The gl-glass… in me. Broken-broken bottle." Sascha tensed suddenly, sharply, almost a convulsion, his teeth clenching as he threw his head back, he let out a low guttural cry that seemed involuntary.

"Hang on Sascha, just hang on." Ryo could hear sirens in the distance. Sascha went limp as suddenly as he tensed, his head lolling to the side. Ryo let go of his hand to grip his chin, turning his face back up again. His eyes had yet to focus on anything, not a good sign. "Stay with me Sascha! Do you have any family?"

"Y-y- no."

"Yes or no?" Ryo demanded, giving Sascha's cold cheek a light slap. It didn't even turn a faint shade of pink. Ryo couldn't tell what was killing him faster, the blood loss or the hypothermia. He looked up at Ted, agonized. Should they move the man? Try and get him to the hospital themselves? Or would that make it worse? Ted shook his head helplessly. Their car wasn't a cruiser, and so didn't even have the rough blue blankets to give to victims.

"Yes… but…" Sascha shook his head again, but this time it seemed more to snap from side to side, as if he were not longer completely in control of the motion.

"But?" Ryo prompted.

Sascha closed his eyes, and tried to sigh, it ended in another bloody cough.

"Try and breath shallow, baby," Ryo whispered, wiping more blood from the pale, handsome face. "Try not to cough." Sascha nodded slightly and licked his lips.

"Lover. But… NYPD." Sascha's blue lips curved upwards in a wary smiled.

"What?" Ryo shook his head, wondering if the man was losing lucidity.

"My lover." Sascha managed a little more clearly as the sleet poured down on them. "NYPD, 52nd, Homicide. Don't w-w-want to Out him."

Ryo's mind went blank and for a moment all he could do was stare. Sascha's lover was a cop? It shouldn't have been that shocking, Ryo knew there were gay cops besides he and Dee. Well, now, just Dee. But knowing was miles from actually being confronted with.

"You're very badly hurt. I don't think being Outted will be the first thing on his mind. It wouldn't be on mine." Ryo tried to smile a little, the parallels to Lyn's past took a whole new twist, and for a moment, it wasn't Sascha or Lyn bleeding out right in front of him. It was Dee. He could see it all too clearly. Dee fading slowly into the Hereafter, and telling the poor son of a bitch holding his hand as he did, that he had a lover… but refusing to tell his name, for fear of outing him.

"It w-w-wouldn't." Sascha agreed. "Bu-but I'm d-d-dying. Won't leave him a-a-alone and unemployed." He managed another wan smile.

And Ryo could hear Dee's voice saying just that, and his throat fisted. The detective cleared it and coughed a few times. The sirens were almost there, and Ryo prayed it was the bus they called, not just the FDNY.

"Sascha, do you know how bad he'll feel, if he isn't at your side?" Ryo whispered, brushing another strand of hair out of sascha's face. "Trust me." It was almost the same as acknowledging that Sascha was all but dead, but it suddenly seemed the most important thing in the world, to find Sascha's lover, to get him here if possible… maybe they could at least say their goodbyes. "Is he on duty?"

Sascha bit his lip, eyes closing. With the constant pattering of sleet on his face it was impossible to tell, but Ryo was pretty sure he had started to cry. Slowly, the man nodded. "Yes… S-Sean… Sean Lundgren." Sascha whispered. Sascha may look like Lyn, but Ryo was growing more convinced that personality wise, he was closer to Dee. Maybe his mind was just filling in blanks, maybe the situation was just too close to his own heart, but Ryo was sure that if Sascha was crying, it was for his own weakness and allowing his lover to be called.

"Ted! Get dispatch to send a Detective Sean Lundgren. Homicide over at the 52nd. Tell them its lights and sirens. Have them tell him its Sascha." Ryo called to his partner. Ted had been hovering near by, not sure what to do. He nodded quickly, grateful for something to do.

"Please…" Sascha whispered. "Tell him I'm sorry."

"No, no way. Because if any one is going to tell him anything, its you. Quiet now. Save your breath." Ryo murmured, taking up his hand again, and holding it to his chest. "Just hold on, just a little longer." Ryo felt trails of heat mingling with the cold sleet streams, and knew that Sascha wasn't the only one crying.

The sirens screeched to a halt. Ryo could tell by the lights that it wasn't an ambulance. Probably a squad car. Doors opened and slammed, feet ran.

"Ryo?"

Ryo's head shot up at the familiar voice.

"Dee? What are you doing here?"

"I was the next closest car when Ted called for a bus. I have a squad car." Dee's footfalls moved closer at a run, jingling slightly. Ryo was surprised to see that Dee was in uniform with a utility belt. The surprise only lasted a minute when he saw what Dee carried though. Two blankets, a bright orange poncho, and a first aid kit. "What are the wounds?" Dee dropped to his knees besides Ryo.

"Bad, I don't think you've got anything in there to help. He's so cold though." Ryo said, already removing his jacket from Sascha's chest. It was too soaked to help form clots anyway.

Dee threw the poncho on the ground. "Lift him onto it on the count of three." Dee said, already grabbing Sascha under the arms. Ryo quickly grabbed his legs. Neither detective needed to even bother counting out loud. They lifted in unison, laying him on the poncho, Dee then wrapped the blankets around sascha's still form, then wrapped a disposable emergency thermo blanket around him, which was also waterproof. Sascha was still wet, but at least he had dry blankets around him, it might be enough to at least keep him from losing any more heat.

"Do you know how long until the bus gets here?" Ryo asked, peering into Dee's face, trying to read what kind of prognosis Dee was giving the man. Dee had a little bit more medical training than Ryo did.

"Too long." Dee shook his head, taking off his uniform hat, and placing it on Sascha's head, in an attempt to keep some more heat in.

"He… he has a lover who works for the 52nd, he's on duty… and on his way."

"I hope he gets here soon," was all Dee said. All three detectives fell silent, and Sascha made no more attempt at speech. His breathing seemed to grow more labored with each breath. Dee had taken over applying pressure to the wounds, and Ryo just held Sascha's hand, caressing his cheek with the other. When they heard sirens start to approach again, Dee and Ryo exchanged looks. At this point, it was probably better if it were detective Lundgren. Sascha was a little closer to his last breath with each one he drew, and would surely be dead on arrival if the ambulance whisked him away before Lundgren arrived.

The lights that screeched to a halt once again suggested a squad car, and Ryo let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Sascha let out a breath at the same time, but didn't draw another.

"Shit." Dee hissed. "You breathe, I'll do compressions."

Ryo moved closer to Sascha's head, tilting it back, sticking his fingers down sascha's throat, just to be sure it wasn't clogged with blood. It felt clear, and he pinched Sascha's nose close. Ryo covered his mouth and breathed. Dee counted for him, and almost as soon as Ryo sat up a bit, to take a breath or two for himself, he heard the sick crack of Dee breaking ribs to perform the compressions.

"Sascha!"

Ryo had never met Detective Sean Lundgren, but only someone watching his lover die could express so much pain in two syllables. Ryo leaned over to breath for Sascha again, and jumped back, startled. Sascha's eyes were wide open again, and staring listlessly. More importantly, Ryo felt a puff of air against his cheek.

"Stop Dee, he's breathing!" Ryo sat back, turning to see where the sound of a scuffle was coming from.

Ted was grappling with a redheaded man who had easily fifty pounds on him. He looked lean, but stood well over six feet, maybe half way to seven feet. And he looked ready to pull his gun on Ted to get past him. Ryo understood, Ted had been trying to keep Dee and Ryo from being interrupted in their life saving efforts by a frantic partner.

"Let him go, Ted!' Ryo called. Ted let the man go, and Ryo barely had a chance to scramble out of the way before the mount of a detective was skidding to his knees next to his dying lover.

"Sascha, honey?" The man who looked to be bigger than even Andrew, with calloused hands that looked like they would do better taking apart an engine then caressing a lover, was touching Sascha's cold cheek with a touch so tender it nearly made Ryo weep.

"Sean." Sascha's angelic face lit in a smile. He lifted a hand that Ryo had been sure would never move again, and found Sean's face, tracing the plains and angles of his face.

"Shh, sweetheart, shh, don't talk, that will only make it worse." Sean whispered. Ryo could see in his expression though, that Detective Lundgren knew that almost nothing could 'make it worse' at the moment. His actions only proved that, as he slid a hand under Sascha's shoulders, sitting him up just enough to cradle the slighter man in his arms.

Sascha shook his head slightly. "I can't get any worse, and we both know it." He spoke with an amazing clarity, though he could hardly be heard over the fall of sleet. "I'm so sorry. I love you, Sean."

"No! Don't you dare say your good byes! You can't die damnit! Not now!"

"Please… please, say it for me? One last…?" Sascha's eyes slid closed again, and he started to tremble from head to toe, each shake growing more violent.

"I love you! Sascha, I love you, please!"

Ryo and Dee both knew they should turn away from this, give the two men their last moments together in peace, but both of them might have been made of cement. They couldn't avert their eyes from drama of reality before them.

"Love… you… to…" Sascha managed one last whisper, before the convulsions took him entirely. Sean lay him down with a gentleness his size didn't suggest was possible, then sat back on his heels, watching in stunned silence, as Dee and Ryo moved in again, trying to do anything to keep the man alive.

The ambulance arrived as the convulsions gave way to what Ryo was sure would have been a flat line, had Sascha been connected to anything. Dee started compressions again immediately, and Ryo returned to breathing. Detective Lundgren had taken up sascha's hand, and just held it to his cheek.

The paramedics took over for Dee and Ryo, not bothering to stabilize Sascha before they whisked him off; there was nothing to stabilize. Sean managed to find the presence of mind to run after the stretcher, and clamor into the passenger seat of the ambulance, out of the way. Dee and Ryo stood together at the mouth of the alley like lost children. Ted stood a few paces off; Drake was back with the squad car Dee had come in, reporting on the radio. As the bus took off on the slick roads, Ryo slowly turned to Dee, only to find Dee turning to him at the same time.

Ryo didn't speak a word, instead lifting his hand to Dee's cheek, cupping it lightly, in fingers that shook rather violently. Dee watched him for a long moment with those intense green eyes, before turning his head slowly, kissing Ryo's fingers.

Ryo caressed Dee's lips softly, praying Dee would take him in his arms, or say something, anything, something to make his soul stop trembling. Instead, Dee took Ryo's hand from his face, then turned away, walking away slowly, letting Ryo's hand slip from his grip.

He slid back into the police cruiser. A moment later, Drake followed, giving Ryo one last unfathomable look, then pulled away, leaving Ryo staring at sidewalk and night where his beloved had been standing.

Author's Notes: See, I'm still writing Delicate. Don't worry I will finish it; someday  hopefully it will be easier after this chapter. Hopefully you consider this a nice hanuchrismakwanzstice present… and not coal in your stocking ;). Still writing Redefining Heaven too. Don't worry; I'll always be here. Also, I highly recommend you check out the title song, 'Be and Be Not Afraid' by Tracy Chapman. I have made an imix for those of you who have itunes. I'm not sure if its up and running yet, but you can try searching 'Irish's Delicate', or check back to my blog www.deskofirish. for further instructions once I know its been published. Oh, and Sean isn't actually my character, but I have given rights to use him by Wolfie. (Thanks Wolfie!)


	17. Built This Way

_Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;_

Delicate

Chapter Fifteen: Built This Way

By: Irish

_-o-o-o-o-_

"Dee, its Ryo," Ryo sighed at Dee's voicemail. Dee was screening his calls. "I know it's me you're trying to avoid, but please, call me. I-I- we need to talk." Ryo closed his eyes as he closed his phone, clipping it to his belt. Dee had been avoiding him more in the last two weeks than he had since they had first broken up. Ryo knocked his head against the hospital wall a couple times in frustration. Really, he should call Lyn. He hadn't talked to Lyn in two weeks either, although in that case it was because Ryo was avoiding Lyn, not the other way around.

"Oh my god, it's like I'm back in high school." The drama, the telephone tag, the silent treatment. There was at least one thing that Ryo could feel good about, though, Sascha had lived. Ryo had refused to give the case up to anyone else. He had followed after the ambulance moments after Dee departed the scene, and had gathered the evidence as it was found. Sascha had been right, there were fingerprints on the larger shards flesh of glass that had broken off in his. With all the blood though, even Dr. Romanova, a forensics wizard, had only been able to lift one useable print. So it looked like Sascha's queer bashing would go the same as Andrew's had. No suspects.

Ryo took a deep breath before continuing up the hallway to Sascha's room. The man was still in serious condition, but considering he had been critical condition for four days, and the doctors had been telling his partner not to hold his breath, serious condition was a miracle.

The detective knocked softly on the doorframe and poked his head around it. It was evening and the lights were dim. The huge detective that was Sascha's lover was in the same place he had been every other time Ryo had stopped by; in a chair right at Sascha's side. He put down the case file he had been looking at and looked up.

"Detective McLean, please come in."

"How is he?" Ryo asked as he slipped in on silent feet, indicating Sascha with his head.

"Asleep. Okay, maybe sedated is a better word." Sean sighed, reaching up to touch Sascha's hand. "Frustrated, when he's awake, that he can't give you more information."

"Yeah, I know, it's not his fault though." The problem wasn't that Sascha didn't remember. Although he had one hell of a concussion there was nothing wrong with his memory. The vacant staring Ryo remembered from that night had nothing to do with Sascha's injuries. The man was blind. He remembered his attackers voices, or so he said, perfectly. It would be great if they ever caught the guys, but that seemed unlikely.

"It's not yours either," Sean shrugged. "Thanks for putting so much into this."

"How could I not?" Ryo glanced at Sascha, he actually looked worse now than he had when they had brought him into the ER. Bruises that hadn't even begun to show that night now were turning all shades of the rainbow. Ryo made a mental note to have their medical examiner come over and take pictures again. "I don't have anything to tell you, I just wanted to stop by. He's got some serious mettle." Dee would have said 'balls', but the gist was the same.

"You have no idea," Detective Lundgren actually chuckled a little.

"Oh, I think I might. He reminds me of my last partner." Ryo decided to let Sean decide what kind of partner he meant. "I'll let you get back to work. Call if you need anything."

Ryo glared at his phone as he left the hospital. He wanted to talk to Dee, goddamnit. Why did Dee have to choose now to get stubborn and defiant? He had always been perfectly civil, and considering the grounds on which the relationship had been terminated, Ryo really gave him kudos for that.

Now though, the man was acting like a stubborn mule. Dee had only returned his calls when it pertained to arrangements for Bikky, and then he had always managed to time it so that he got Ryo's voice mail as well, and left a message. Ryo was pretty sure he finally outfoxed him on that though, he didn't intend on shutting off his phone until he heard from Dee. Ryo had tried waiting for him at work, and Dee managed to evade him, most likely with the help of Drake or JJ. He had tried waiting for Dee at his apartment, and Dee never showed. He had left a message on Dee's desk. It had been gone the next day but there had been no return note. He had tried calling while Dee was on shift, to get the dispatch operator to patch him through, she had refused, and Wanda never refused that sort of request before. Ryo had even called Mother Maria on a Sunday afternoon that Dee had off, hoping to catch him there. Penguin had told him that Dee wasn't there, but it made Ryo wonder if nuns were allowed to lie. Short of putting out an APB on him and getting him thrown in a holding cell until Ryo could come talk to him, Ryo had run out of ideas.

Of course, he could call Lyn. Ryo was under the impression that Dee and Andrew had gotten pretty close. He didn't want to talk to Lyn though. Ryo knew he was wrong, about this whole thing with Mary. He knew he had treated Dee horribly, knew that he was making some real crappy choices, all of which Lyn had told him. He doubted Lyn would say 'I told you so', but it was still more humble pie than Ryo really wanted to stomach. Talking to Dee was going to be bad enough.

The word 'grovel' came to mind.

The weather had turned snowy after the ice/sleet storm two weeks ago, but it had been warmish, just cold enough to keep a couple inches of grimy snow around. Ryo zipped up his jacket, the jacket that was actually Dee's, and pulled on his gloves as he immerged into the cold winter air. It had been warmish, but not actually warm. He took his cell phone off his belt and glared at it again, willing it to ring. It remained insolently silent. Talking to Dee had become almost an obsession, one that was growing with each passing day.

He knew why Dee was avoiding him, or thought he did. Dee probably thought Ryo was trying to get a hold of him because what had happened with Sascha two weeks ago had shaken him up and he wanted a shoulder to cry on. Much to Ryo's annoyance he could understand why Dee might be thinking that. His behavior over the last year had been… well…

Insane, really.

Ryo had been putting off Mary as well. He had gone out to dinner with her on Friday, but just dinner, nothing else. He didn't love her, and he knew it. Even if he thought he could keep up his little charade of heterosexuality, he just couldn't stomach a marriage of convenience, especially when it wouldn't really be a mutual convenience.

Ryo brooded as he started down the street. He had been driving less and less over the last two weeks and walking more. It was good for him, and easier on his wallet, but really, it was just to think. He had stopped even taking a morning jog though. He had heard it was possible to get addicted to the endorphin high you got from running, but he doubted that's why he was addicted. He ran to stop thinking.

"I wonder if there is such a thing as Runners Anonymous," the Detective muttered to himself as he walked briskly to catch a walk light.

In the last two weeks he had been walking more, and thinking more, and was actually terrified to see what a path of destruction he had made through his own life, and the lives of nearly everyone around him. It was really almost surreal to him. _'Who the hell was that person, and how did he take over my body?'_ The scarier part, though, was that he could still feel that 'person' hovering in his mind. Every time he thought about telling his aunt, he got nauseous. When he thought about having that conversation with his uncle, he had actually thought he was going to throw up.

So, he was still insane. That was okay, Ryo figured, how nuts could he be if he was aware he was nuts? Why was he so afraid of just admitting what he was, labeling it. He had admited he had liked men almost two years ago, when he first got together with Dee, it was that 'g' word that was so scary. That and telling everyone else that he was that little three letter word.

Ryo felt his thoughts start to spiral and circle around themselves, and shook his head to try and clear it. That was the fastest way to send himself into panic mode. Panic mode was what had gotten him here in the first place. He dialed Dee again.

"You've reached Detective Laytner, I'm screening my calls, please leave a message—"

Well that was new, the last seven dozen times he had called it had been Dee's typical: 'Detective Dee Laytner. Leave a message.'

"—unless you're Ryo, if you are, please press seven now."

Ryo actually stopped walking in surprise, staring at his phone a moment, before hastily pressing seven. If Dee had something to say, why didn't he just call back?

"Ryo, if you don't stop calling me I'm going to have to shove that cute little new phone you have up your cute little ass. So if you call back, you may want to consider putting your phone on vibrate before I find you." There was a long pause, and Ryo held his breath. "I've finally found my footing… please don't take that from me again Ryo." Dee's voice was softer now as it played back from his voicemail. "Please, if you care about me… even the tiniest bit… please stop calling."

Fuck.

Ryo swallowed hard, blinking away the hot pressure behind his eyes. He had done enough crying. Dee wanted to be left alone. How could he get Dee to understand, it was different now? That for once he didn't want anything from Dee?

Ryo was about to snap his phone closed when he heard the universal 'beep' that meant it was time to leave a message. Shit! He had to say something, but he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, people passing on all sides of him. How could he say what he needed to say?

"Okay Dee, alright… I've been calling to say I'm sorry, for what I did to you. I've been so… so very fucking stupid. I've thrown away one of the best things I've ever had in my life. I understand why you don't want to talk to me… I won't call you again. You… you know where to reach me." Ryo waited a long moment, then hung up.

Dee wanted Ryo to let him go. It was only fair. Ryo knew that. He had done nothing but mess with Dee's head and heart, send him mixed messages, use him. Dee finally was strong enough to tell him to stop it. Ryo more than 'cared the tiniest bit' for Dee. He loved him. Which meant he had to respect him.

The blond detective stood a moment longer, head down, jaw clenched, before he took a deep breath. Dee wanted to move on. Which mean Ryo needed to stop obsessing about him and get down to business. What that business was, he wasn't sure yet.

_-o-o-o-o-_

When Ryo returned him, the apartment was quiet. It was a long weekend, and Lee had taken Bikky with him and his brother to their cabin upstate. He really hated when the apartment was silent like this.

"I should get a damned cat if it bothers me so much," Ryo growled to himself, forcing away the self-pity that threatened. He was done with that. No more.

Ryo kicked off his shoes, turning on the kitchen light before moving from the living room to his bedroom, turning on some music. He needed some kind of game plan, to deal with himself, to deal with Mary; he needed to just sort himself out. Focusing on getting a hold of Dee over the last couple weeks had been an excuse not to really tackle the true issue.

His trusty journal hadn't left his sock drawer since Dee had broken up with him. At first, it had been too painful to write about, and then he had started on what he was starting to think of as his 'year of insanity'. It hadn't been exactly a year since he had lost his mind, but it was close.

Lying down on his stomach, turning on the bedside lamp, Ryo stared at the blank page, forcing himself to date it. Then… nothing. God, did he have to fight for every step of this… this… coming out? Apparently so.

_'Just get writing, anything, just make your pen move on that paper, and eventually something besides nonsense will come out.'_ Ryo thought.

Pen met paper, and stayed there, leaving a blot of ink. Finally, slowly, it began to move. The only thing that Ryo could think of to write. His pen moved quickly over the page, not because of a wild inspiration, but because he was trying to keep up with the music that was playing.

_And I wonder_

_If I'm just built this way_

_Because every man that I know_

_Makes me feel like I'm to blame_

_When its over_

_Me and my selfish ways_

_Go back to start again_

_Go back to start again_

_That's what I need to do. Go back to start again. I am to blame, and no one else. I've made choices, stupid choices. I don't think I could have done any differently, I really don't, I'm just not strong enough for this. It doesn't matter though, because I can't have it to do over. All I can do is press forward. I've lost Dee. I don't think he hates me; he isn't capable of that, no matter what he says. He says he's found his feet again finally. At least one of us has. _

_I'm gay. _

_I've always known that, no matter how very hard I've tried to deny it. The physical capability of having intercourse with a woman isn't the same as being straight. Besides, I'm not convinced that in my right mind I could actually manage intercourse with a woman. I've never been in my right mind with Mary in both the sense that I've lost my mind, and that I've always had the assistance of a couple glasses of wine. I still think of men when I jerk off (and pretty much always have). In retrospect, I don't understand how I could pretend otherwise, even for a while. My choice of fantasies generally involve either being face down on the mattress or having my heels in the air. Most straight guys don't think about sucking cock (if I can be so blunt). I suppose desperation does weird things to a person._

_I'm still afraid of what I am. I still wish I wasn't. But I am, and there is no changing that, and no pretending otherwise, not really._

_So now what? The only thing that made being gay worth anything was Dee. I have to give up my 2.5 kids and picket fence and etc. and even giving those up doesn't bring me any closer to love. I can't make this about Dee, now. That's for the better, really, that was the problem in the first place. I hid the truth about myself under the idea that I wasn't gay, just Deesexual. So, now, I have to be gay with out Dee, and figure out what that means._

_Great._

_I need to break things off with Mary. I can at least thank my lucky stars that I've come to myself before making an investment of gold and ice. I think I'll have to tell her too. 'Things just aren't working out' won't fly. Of course 'It's not you, its just that I'm queer' probably won't be much better. I need to tell my aunt too. I think I want to tell her first. Mary will probably call her mother up the moment I'm out the door, and then it will be gossip fodder. I want to tell Elena myself. _

_So I guess it's off to Upstate for a little chat. Damn, this week just gets better and better…_

_-o-o-o-o-_

"Elena…" Ryo ventured, glancing at his aunt as she washed the dishes from lunch. He was drying. "I… I have to tell you something," he sighed, boy was that melodramatic or what?

"What is it dear?" She stopped scrubbing the casserole dish and looked at him expectantly, a small smile on her lips, clearly not expecting bad news. In fact, she looked like she was making a guess at what he had to tell her that was so serious, something about her expression… _'Crap… she thinks I'm going to tell her I am purposing to Mary.'_ Ryo bit his lip hard, almost chickening out.

"I'm breaking things off with Mary," he sighed again, looking away from her, out the window at the expansive lawn, the dusting of snow undisturbed.

"What? Why?" Elena sounded shocked. Ryo didn't blame her. As far as she knew, things were going wonderfully between them.

"Well, that's what I came up this weekend to talk to you about," Ryo said quietly, eyes flickering to her for just a moment, before looking outside again. He took a slow deep breath as Elena took his elbow in concern. He wouldn't be ashamed of this… he wouldn't…

Ryo forced himself to turn and face his aunt. They were almost eye to eye, Ryo just slightly taller, and he met her gaze. "Elena… I'm gay."

Elena's jaw dropped, and she simply stared at him for a long moment. The silence in the kitchen seemed to grow and inflate until Ryo was sure his heart would just stop. He bit his lip again to keep from saying anything else, adding some kind of apology. The first step was admitting he had a problem, so to speak, the next was accepting responsibility. No apologies, in this case, there was no room for shame if he was going to be true to himself.

"I… I… I should have guessed," Elena said finally, closing her eyes and bowing her head. "Your mother, before she died…"

"What?" Ryo frowned; they never spoke of his parents. It wasn't taboo; it was just that no one wanted to open old wounds. He was almost afraid of what his aunt was going to tell him.

"Your mother, she thought you might be… ah… gay. You just were never very interested in girls; you had a picture of the Scottish rugby team on the back of your door instead of a swimsuit model. You were, are, so fastidious about your appearance, so patience. When other boys were trying to knock each other's heads off just for fun, you were doing origami." Elena lifted her head, and smiled at him slightly.

"To be fair, I was knocking people's heads off too…" Ryo replied, so shocked that his mouth just moved, something that rarely happened.

"In the dojo, not on the playground. After she died, well, I guess I forgot about it at first. Then you picked up with that girl in college and got so serious with her. I just… I thought maybe it had been just a phase…"

"It wasn't. More like being with girls was a phase," Ryo shook his head slightly. His mother had known, or at least had guessed? "Was… was she angry?" His mother had very rarely gotten angry, but Ryo had always hated being on the wrong side of that anger when she did. His mother had been a very accepting woman, but Ryo was first generation American on his mother's side. Ryo's grandparents had been rather traditional.

"Angry? Oh no, no honey! She wasn't angry!" Elena's voice showed her distress at the idea. One hand cupped Ryo's cheek; the other smoothed back his hair in a motherly gesture. "She actually thought it was kind of funny. She said that she'd rather have you gay than to have inherited your father's fashion sense."

"Are you angry?" Ryo's throat knotted, his voice was small despite his earlier resolve not to be apologetic. Talking about his mother was hard enough; under these circumstances it was nearly unbearable.

"No, I'm not, not at all Ryo. I'm just sorry I hadn't been more aware, if I had, maybe you wouldn't have taken until you were thirty-one to come out. That's just ridicules. I'll admit… I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, but your happiness is far, far, more important then whether or not I'm comfortable." Elena drew Ryo's head down and went up on her toes to make up the distance, kissing his forehead.

"Thank you, for being so understanding," Ryo whispered, hugging her tight. "I was so afraid you wouldn't want me any more. If you and Frank rejected me… I couldn't have handled that."

"Never, Ryo! Never." Elena just hugged Ryo close for long moments. It had been surprising news, especially considering how things had been going with Mary, but Elena knew full well that Ryo was still her nephew, that this didn't change anything about him. Well, aside from who he'd be bringing for Christmas dinner.

After the intensity of the moment had passed some, they sat down at the kitchen table, and talked. Not about anything in particular, just talked. Elena realized how much they had grown apart since Ryo had started his job in the city. It wasn't distance; Ryo had never let miles keep him from his family before. He had just been so very reserved. Even for him. That reserve was gone now. He was the warm and open boy, now man, that she had known him to be. There was still something weighing on him. She could see that. He would tell her now, though, when he was ready.

_Author's Note: Here's the next chapter for you all. Ryo's finally starting to come around, though now Dee's being stubborn. The song referenced in Ryo's journal, and the 'title track', is "Built This Way" by Samantha Ronson. It's a great song, you should check it out. Check out my imix for Delicate here: _

_http://deskofirish. com (be sure to remove the space between the . and the com)_

_I can't wait to hear what you all think of both the imix and the chapter! Keep checking back with both the story and the imix, as I'm sure there will be updates._


	18. With or Without You

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate

Chapter Sixteen:

With or Without You

By: Irish

-o-o-o-o-

Dee groaned, looking at his cell phone as it rang for the second time in five minutes. He was trying to sleep before work, and had been doing a good job of it until five minutes ago. This time he actually picked it up and looked at the caller ID. It was Ryo.

"The fuck?" Dee husked. It had been two weeks since he had asked Ryo to stop calling him, and Ryo had respected his request, his number hadn't shown up on Dee's phone since. To see it now, at a time when Ryo had to know Dee was trying to sleep, pointed to only one thing. Something was wrong and it had to do with Bikky.

On the third ring, Dee flipped open his phone.

"What's wrong with Bikky?" Dee asked by way of greeting.

"It's okay, it's nothing serious," Ryo replied immediately, causing Dee to sigh in relief. "At least, nothing abnormal. He's sick, Dee, I mean real sick. He's been puking his guts out since after dinner."

Dee glanced at the clock. Dinner for them had probably been about two or three hours ago. "But just regular puking right? No blood or anything?"

"Right, but he's miserable and… and I'm no help. He needs someone in there with him…" Ryo trailed off slowly, sounding both annoyed and resigned.

"And you're a sympathy vomiter," Dee nodded. Ryo was one of those people who couldn't handle other people throwing up. Braced for it, he might have been able to see Bikky through one round, but if Bikky had been puking on and off for two hours, Ryo would be at the end of his tolerance. "I'll be right there."

"Thank you, Dee."

"None needed."

Dee hung up before Ryo could reply to that. This was strictly business. He was going over there for Bikky and had no intention of discussing anything but their son with Ryo. In fact, if he were very lucky, he wouldn't have to exchange more then a couple words with Ryo. He wouldn't come in the bathroom while Bikky was sick, and Dee was going to leave as soon as Bikky had finished emptying his stomach.

He dashed out the door, not for the first time, shivering only a bit in the cool night air. Winter had finally mostly passed, giving way to the very earliest days of spring. Dee was grateful. It had been a very cold winter for him with no coat. He still wasn't sure why he hadn't just bought a new one. He just never had. Now though, the hooded sweatshirts he had been using in place of a real coat were weather appropriate.

On his way over to Ryo's apartment, he called in sick to work, having no qualms about doing so. He certainly had enough leave, and even if he hadn't, Bikky needed him. Ryo buzzed him up immediately when Dee got there, and had left the apartment door unlocked. Dee had no trouble finding they were. He could hear Bikky retching from the front door.

Ryo was hovering at the door to the bathroom, leaning against the wall, so he couldn't actually see into the bathroom. He had a hand over his mouth and was looking rather green himself.

"Are you sick too?" Dee asked, feigning indifference, trying to make it sound like the only reason he cared was because he didn't want to be scrubbing vomit off the floor. Ryo shook his head, and indicated the bathroom with his head, apparently not daring to open his mouth.

"Right," Dee sighed, not blaming Ryo for immediately retreating to the far end of the apartment from the bathroom, nor was he surprised when he heard the TV come on rather loudly.

Dee took a deep breath and slipped into the bathroom. Bikky had finished his latest round, and was slumped against the wall, gray and sweating.

"Hey tiger," Dee said softly, "Pretty sick huh?" He ran some water, handing Bikky a glass of cool water. "Rinse your mouth, then sip that,"

Bikky nodded miserably, reaching up for the glass with a badly shaking hand, needing both hands to hold it, and it still chattered against his teeth as he sipped, then spit it into the toilet before taking another small sip and swallowing.

"Do you think it was something you ate?" Dee asked, easing onto the floor besides him. Bikky leaned into him immediately, a sure sign he was truly miserable. Dee settled the boy in his arms, making sure he had quick and easy access to the toilet.

"Nah," Bikky rasped, "It's only coming out one end,"

Dee chuckled softly. It was true. If it had been something he had eaten, it probably would have been even worse, as Bikky had implied, coming out both ends.

"Fair enough. Stomach bug been going around at school?" Dee had soaked a washcloth, and now gently washed the sweat from Bikky's face and neck.

"I dunno, guess so," Bikky shrugged.

There was almost a half hour where Bikky half dozed in Dee's arms, making soft sounds of distress as he did. After that small respite though he woke, bolting to his knees for another round of retching and vomiting. Dee actually had to help support him; he was so worn out from the throwing up.

It was nearly two in the morning when Bikky finally stopped tossing his cookies. He had been rather soundly asleep in Dee's arms for almost an hour. Dee deemed it safe to put him to bed, with a bucket handy, and hopefully let him sleep comfortably for a while.

When Dee came out of the bathroom carrying Bikky in his arms, he found Ryo perched on the edge of the sofa. He had peeked in during the down times, but hadn't said anything, not wanting to disturb Bikky who was usually sleeping. Ryo looked very relieved to see them finally emerge, and hopped up immediately, going to Bikky's closet of a room and turning down his bed, then stepping into Billy's closet, so Dee could come in and lay Bikky down.

Bikky's room was so small that Dee and Ryo could barely both be in there at the same time, even with Ryo in the closet. Dee managed to hedge in, though, and ease Bikky onto his bed, tucking him in tenderly and kissing his forehead, before he straightened and turned to leave.

Ryo had stepped out of the closet, both because he was uncomfortable, and wanting to help tuck his son in. When Dee turned, though, this put them face to face. Well, more like forehead to chin because of the height difference. Ryo looked up at Dee, an automatic action, as Dee looked down at him. There were only inches between their mouths.

Ryo had been about to say 'excuse me', before sidling past Dee, but the words died on his lips as he looked up into green eyes that were so very very familiar. Eyes that still haunted his dreams. Eyes that used to terrify him. He rested his fingertips against Dee's chest, feeling his heart throbbing through the cotton of his tee shirt.

Dee didn't move, looking down at Ryo. How achingly familiar was this position? Inches from Ryo, so close he could feel Ryo's body heat. He waited, wondering if Ryo would have the balls to kiss him. Maybe for once in his life the man would take some initiative, reach out for something, but nothing happened. Disappointment warred with self-righteousness and also the feeling that he wasn't playing fair. He couldn't tell Ryo to leave him alone, then expect Ryo to chase after him. Of course, how often had Ryo told Dee to leave him alone? Then wanted to be chased.

He made a soft sound and shook his head, brushing Ryo's hand off his chest, managing to step around him. Ryo watched him go, not processing anything but what a fine view Dee was from behind, for long moments. Finally, as Dee was pulling on his boots, Ryo shook himself out of it. He kissed Bikky hastily, shutting the door behind him as he exited into he living room. "Dee, wait,"

"I've been waiting all my life Ryo. I'm done waiting for you," Dee shook his head, lacing up his boots even faster.

"I know! I know, damnit! I know I'm a jackass. I know I've hurt you. I know all of that, but damnit Dee, I'm sorry! I know that doesn't make it okay. I know that doesn't fix your broken heart. I get it Dee," Ryo sighed, daring to move closer. Dee had both boots on, if he really wanted to leave, he didn't need to lace them up. He could walk out.

Ryo reached out, stopping Dee's hands on his lace. "You don't owe me anything… I'm asking you to stay. I'm asking you to hear me out. If you won't do that, then at least stay until Bikky wakes up. If he starts throwing up again…"

Dee glared. Ryo wasn't playing fair. Using Bikky to get him to stay.

"Dee, what do I have to do? What do I have to do to convince you, that if nothing else, I do understand? I don't want you to hate me. I've earned it… but we've got a lifetime of sharing Bikky. If you refuse to be in the same room as me, every holiday and major event, you're asking him to choose between us."

"You're such a bastard!" Dee exploded in a whisper. "That isn't fair, using Bikky to make me do what you want! You know I will, damnit! You know it, and you're utterly shameless about using it!" Dee shook his head violently.

"That's part of caring about people, Dee, about having a family, they've always got you hooked through the nose. You should know that better than anyone," Ryo said softly, not unempathetic, but unrelenting.

"Fucking straight I do. In a lifetime of doing stupid things letting you two in ranks in the top three." Dee was angry with himself. He didn't like being jerked around. He didn't like it when people had him by the shorthairs. He knew better then to ever let anyone inside his street-hardened shell, but he had done it anyway, and now he was going to be paying for it until he died. Even if he hadn't wanted to stay in Bikky's life, the pain of the whole thing would always be there, a wound that would never fully heal.

Ryo looked away, shamed. It was pretty bad when someone ranked you in their top three mistakes of a lifetime. Dee didn't say things just to be hurtful; he wasn't like that, which meant that he was sincere.

"Wow," he said softly, hoarsely. "I guess that puts me in my place. Just don't ever let Bikky hear you say that. He's already too hard," Ryo shook his head and looked up at Dee. "You aren't going to shame me into relenting, though. To me, it is worth whatever hard words you have for me."

"Stop that! Stop that fucking martyr bull shit! Just leave me alone, Ryo!"

"If that's what you really wanted, you'd leave," Ryo shrugged.

Dee stared at him a long moment, then glanced at the door, then back to Ryo, then down at his untied shoes. All he had to do was walk out. He had done it once, why couldn't he do it now? Because he couldn't say no to Ryo. Not really.

Ryo was shocked when Dee looked at him again and his eyes were bright with tears; probably of frustration. Dee shook his head again, then with a sound of disgust, took his shoes off once more.

"God, bad enough to force yourself on me, then to point out that I like it…" Dee whispered. It was humiliating. What it came down to was that Ryo had professed to love him, and even though he had done a poor job of actually doing that, just those words from once upon a time were so much to Dee that he couldn't even let it go. It was pathetic. He hated himself for that weakness.

"You're right," Ryo nodded with a sigh. He took Dee's hands in his own, gently drawing him back towards the bedroom. When Dee balked, Ryo sighed again.

"I'm not trying to get in your pants. I just want to talk, and I don't want to wake Bikky."

"Whatever," Dee shrugged. What did it really matter anyway? He wanted to be loved so very badly, he was apparently willing to emotionally whore himself for it. Not that he was surprised; he just didn't like being reminded.

"No, not whatever… I'm making this worse, aren't I?" Ryo asked softly, closing the door once they were in his room, sitting down on his bed and scooting back to lean against the wall. "I'm making you feel worse. That's not what I want, Dee. I… I just can't stand knowing I'm the one who broke you. More importantly, I can't stand the idea that I'm the one who may have made it impossible for you to ever trust, or let anyone close ever again. I want to be with you, so very badly, but I know that that is probably impossible now. What I want even more is to know that maybe you'll eventually find someone who will treat you right."

"What, and I'm to fucking stupid to do that on my own?" Dee snapped bitterly.

"Well, no, not stupid. I've been talking to Drake lately. I tried to talk to Mother Maria, but she stonewalled me, understandably so. Drake's confirmed a lot that I've guessed at."

"What do you mean?" Dee's eyes narrowed suspiciously, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Juanita,"

Dee stared at Ryo in stony silence, refusing to show any impact the name may have had on him. His stomach did a little flip though at her name.

"Drake told me about her. She was your last real relationship, yes? Everyone else has just been dalliance, between her and myself?" Ryo was watching Dee very closely. Drake had painted himself in a corner on this one. Ryo had been waxing eloquent about Dee, as he was wont to do these days, and Drake, sick of his blithering had snapped 'God you're worse than Nita!'

_"What do you mean I'm worse then 'Nita'? Who is Nita?" Ryo frowned, looking at Drake. Drake had known Dee longer then anyone but Penguin. Since they had both been rookies. They had even attended academy together, actually. _

_"He didn't tell you…? No one, she's no one."_

Ryo hadn't been willing to let it go, though, and had finally badgered Drake into it. It had taken a couple beers too, after work, to get him to talk, but eventually he had sung like the proverbial canary.

_"That bitch. Last real relationship Dee had. Well, besides you. He has the most fucked up relationships. Ted falls in love every other fucking day, JJ only wants the unattainable… Dee… He fucks a lot, and that's fine… but he's like, you know, an emotional bitch, a masochist. I don't know what he does in bed, but out of bed, he seems to like being hurt." Drake shrugged. _

_Ryo swallowed the bile that rose in his throat at what that implied about himself. This was more important then his own feelings about the situation. _

_"So, this Nita hurt him?"_

_"I dunno it's not that easy. See, he got involved with her during the academy. She was trouble from word go. I didn't think it would last. She was like most of his lays. Easy, cheep, but not quite slutty, dumb but cunning. But then, she stayed. I don't know what she did to keep him hanging on to her, but he did. Proposed to her, bought her a ring, the whole nine yards. They both had tempers though. Dee, you know him, he talks like he's badass, and there's no doubt he's hard, but he's not a total fuck. He'd shout, and I guess he says he shoved her around a bit, even claims he slapped her a time or two… but let me tell ya, Ryo, I never saw a mark on her, and she slapped him around all the time. You couldn't say she beat him, I mean; Dee could overpower her if he wanted to. But I saw her do it all the time, she'd do it right in public, slap him across the face, or pinch him hard enough to leave a mark. And he just took it. If he pushed her, or ever raised his hand to her, I'm sure it was self defense." Drake had paused in his retelling of Dee's past to take a drink of his fourth beer. _

_"That don't make it right. I know that. This ain't no Blue Wall of Silence bullshit either. He wasn't blameless, but if anyone should have pressed charges it was him. That was nothing compared to what she said to him. God, she'd just tear into him. Again, right in front of whomever, she didn't care. He'd retort at first, but then just let her go at him. I asked him all the time, why the hell did he stay with her? He'd just shrug 'she loves me'," he'd say. Like that explained it all. I don't know what the final straw was, or who left whom, but they finally went their separate ways. He was a basket case for a while, but then… well, eventually he was happier without her. After that though, nothing lasted longer than a few months. No one was ever more than a fuckbuddy. Until you."_

Ryo had guessed that there had to have been some bad relationships in Dee's past. He had been very surprised to hear that it had been a woman though. Not because he was surprised Dee was with a woman. He had, until recently it seemed, been one of the few people who truly swung both ways. He was surprised that a woman had managed to exert so much physical power over Dee.

"What about her," Dee shrugged.

"She hurt you and it took you five years to get past it enough to consider another long term relationship. I don't want that to happen again, to take five years of your life because you can't trust anyone after me,"

Dee snorted, "Oh yeah? That so? I don't know if you've done the math, but I chased you for two years, spent just shy of a year with you, and it's been a year since we broke up. That's four years of my life you've already taken."

"I know. Why do you think I'm so adamant?"

"Because you don't want to feel guilty," Dee replied without a moment of hesitation. "You've always got to be the good little boy. That's what started this whole bullshit anyway. You had to be perfect."

Ryo fell quiet a moment, sifting through his own feelings. Was Dee right? Was that why he was doing this, pushing Dee, chipping away at him, trying to get through his defenses again? Since he had come out to his aunt Ryo had set a very firm no waffling rule for himself. That meant no hedging, no partial truths.

"Alright, that's fair," Ryo nodded slowly, looking at his hands which he had laced over one knee. "More than fair, and at least partial true. I do feel terrible about all of this. About what I've done to you and Bikky, and also for the years of my own life I've wasted. I do feel guilty…" he trailed off, before looking over at Dee again. "But that's only a part of it. I truly, genuinely, care for you, about you, about what happens to you. I want you to be happy, because you more than deserve that, not because I want to ease my own conscious."

"Fuck, Ryo. If this last four years has been you 'caring about me', I think I'd rather have you as my nemesis." Dee snorted. He was pacing along the length of the bed, hands moving restlessly, unable to settle in any position.

"Dee, will you sit down already? I get it, you're angry and frustrated, but you're just working yourself up more, pacing like that,"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Dee snapped, when he almost added 'you're not the boss of me', though, he decided Ryo was right, and jerked a hard-backed chair around and sitting down on his backwards. "Fine. Now what?"

Ryo wanted to take Dee in his arms, hold him, sooth him, ease all his hurts and worries. He was pretty sure Dee would bite off his fingers if he tried though. He did scoot forward to the edge of the bed though, so they were closer.

"Why don't you tell me why you stayed?" Ryo suggested, still trying to figure that out himself.

"What, you're my fucking shrink?" Dee growled.

"I'd really appreciate it if you'd put billy-bad-ass Dee back in his cage, so sensible Dee can come out. You don't need to show me how tough you are." Ryo managed to say this politely, despite his own irritation. Did Dee really think he'd fall for the same crass act that he used on everyone else?

"I don't know what else to do!" Dee growled, "You really don't get it, do you? If I give myself even half an excuse, I'm going to begging you to take me back! I'm angry with you, but I'm even angrier with myself. I can't ever do better then you, and I damned well know it. No matter how badly you hurt me…" his voice cracked a little, and when he spoke next, his voice was lower, quieter, so his emotions couldn't be as easily heard, "No matter how badly you hurt me, I can't tell you 'no'. I'll just keep throwing my heart after you, and when you kick it around, I'm just so happy you've noticed me long enough to do that… But if I let you close again, I'm going to hate myself, because it's so goddamn pathetic…"

"Dee," Ryo looked at him a long time, heart aching. He was so beautiful; not just his body, that was just packaging, but it matched what was inside of him. He was such a kind man, noble, with an incredible capacity for love and loyalty. Ryo knew he needed to let him go, though. "You're really incredible, you know that?" Ryo spoke softly, resting his hand over Dee's hands on the back of the chair. "You don't give yourself nearly enough credit."

Dee shook his head in a mute denial, not looking at Ryo. He was so twisted up inside, he was so hurt and angry… but so terribly lonely, and there was no way to reconcile the three. He had lost track of what they were even supposed to be talking about at the moment.

"I'm really good at screwing you up, getting you all turned around until you don't know what way is up. I used to think it was you who did that to me… I'm being selfish again, wanting you back, even if it is for the right reasons with the most honorable of intentions. I've missed you terribly. I wasn't lying though, earlier, if you and I can't figure out how to get along without it constantly being a huge drama, we're asking Bikky to pick between us. That isn't fair to him," Ryo paused, waiting for Dee's reaction.

Dee nodded, not speaking yet, knowing that Ryo was right, about Bikky anyway.

"So… we need to find someway to mend enough bridges that we can be friendly, without falling back into old patterns of behavior." Ryo said.

"You're right," Dee took a deep breath, relaxing ever so slightly. He wasn't positive he could handle it, but he knew it would be better then trying resist Ryo's attempts to get them back together. They had done okay at being friends at first. There had to be a way to get back to that.

"Good," Ryo smiled, giving Dee's hand a squeeze, before letting him go. "Good," It made Ryo's heart sink, it felt like the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that had been dying slowly and painfully for a long time. He wasn't losing Dee though, they had been friends long before they had been lovers, and that's all that mattered.

Author's Note: I do want to clarify one little line, where Dee says one of the biggest mistakes was allowing Bikky and Ryo get close to him, he doesn't really mean he regrets loving Bikky, only that for maintain his distance and hardness, Bikky is a huge chink in that armor. So, don't think he doesn't love Bikky or anything like that. As always, sorry for the long delay. I won't make any promises about the next chapter, but it will happen eventually. And don't worry there WILL be another chapter, several more. I'm not going to leave them broken up! Thank you so much to all my loyal readers, and all my new ones. Don't forget to leave a review if you get the chance!


	19. Nowhere and Everywhere

Disclaimer: Lyn and Andrew and their beautiful family are mine, must have expressed written consent to use, fanfic or whatever. Dee and Ryo etc. are not mine. Don't sue, I'm poor ;

Delicate

Chapter Seventeen:

Nowhere and Everywhere

By: Irish

-o-o-o-o-o-

_Getting out of a taxi the other day_

_My heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle_

_And so my chest was empty but it felt okay_

_I just fished out the pieces and walked away into..._

_Nowhere and everywhere_

_- Michelle Lewis_

_- Nowhere and Everywher_

-o-o-o-o-o-

Dee lay back, looking up at Ryo, who was straddling his hip. He couldn't help but smile. Ryo was such a beautiful man. It was like being straddled by an angel… only no angel would be moving his hips like that, rubbing a tight muscular ass over his denim-trapped erection.

"You're cruel," Dee whispered, running his hands up Ryo's arms, over his shoulders, before tracing the chiseled lines of his chest and stomach. His smile took any real accusation out of the words.

"You love it, and your in no position to say otherwise," Ryo laughed, tossing his hair out of his eyes as he did. "Because I have some very… hard… evidence of just how much you love it."

"Maybe, but I love _you_ more," Dee's smile softened. It was the truth. Sex was good. Dee loved sex, especially with Ryo. With Ryo though, it was so much more then sex. It was intimacy. Intimacy was something Dee longed for like the dessert longs for rain.

Ryo's smile softened and he leaned down, resting on his forearms, nuzzling his nose against Dee's. "And I love you."

Dee felt like he was lit up from the inside, Ryo's words making his heart swell. It felt so good, Ryo touching him like this, talking to him like this. Dee leaned up, closing his eyes and leaned up to capture Ryo's lips, only he never found them. After a moment he opened his eyes.

The room at been lit with the soft glow of a dozen candles, now it was dark, dim and grainy, and he was alone. Dee sat up, still clad in just his jeans.

"Ryo?"

There was no answer. He found a note on the pillow next to him, just like after their first time, the writing made no sense to him though. A bolt of panic lanced through him, just as it had the morning after their first time. He had never really told Ryo, but that had been one of the worst moments of his life, waking up alone that morning. He felt even worse now.

Dee scrambled out of bed, still in his jeans, padding quickly out to the rest of his apartment. All his furniture was covered in dust cloths; his windows were boarded up. It didn't look like anyone had been here in months, years even. But he was in here, what the fuck? The front door hung open, off one hinge. Dee would have never, ever left his door like that. What the hell was going on here?

He moved quickly out into the hallway. All the other doors up and down its length were open, or missing, or boarded over. Now, fear was welling up in him, and the detective trampled down the stairs and out into the street. The silent street. No cars. No people. Nothing. He was totally alone-

Dee woke with a gasp, sitting up sharply in bed. His room was filled with a dingy gray light, and his heart was throbbing in his chest. His throat was even tight with unshed tears. He didn't need any damn crystal waving new age quack to tell him what that dream meant. He was lonely. He missed Ryo, he felt abandoned and alone. Hell, he didn't even need his psyche to tell him that. He already knew.

"Fuuuuuck," He groaned, rubbing his face. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get Ryo out of his head. It had been a month since the 'lets be friends' talk. Dee felt he'd been doing a damned good job of playing nice. He was polite, if a bit perfunctory, when talking to Ryo. They'd been going to the last of Bikky's basketball games, not together, but sitting together once they met up at the gym. They'd taken Bikky to a movie, and a NBA game, gone out for a couple meals, but Bikky was always the buffer between them. Bikky was the only topic of conversation Dee allowed. Sometimes, they branched off into work related topics a bit, but Dee could tell they both found that painful. They had lost more then a lover when they hard parted ways; they'd lost a very trusted partner.

Bikky seemed happy. That was good. Very good. In fact, that was the only reason Dee kept up this stupid charade, it made Bikky happy. If it weren't for that, Dee would have kept Ryo as far away as possible. Or, the worse alternative, if it wasn't for the fact that he wasn't trying to be a role model to the boy, he would have thrown aside his convictions weeks ago, and gone back to Ryo, groveling. He would have donned emotional handcuffs and a ball gag and let Ryo fuck him up all kinds of good. But that was something he didn't really want Bikky to see.

Dee checked the time. It was evening, time for him to get up and get moving. He sighed deeply, flipping open his cell phone. Ryo had called. No surprise there. Ryo was the one who usually did the calling and made the plans. He hadn't left a message though. Instead of calling him back, Dee speed dialed Lyn.

"Hello, Dr. Doren speaking," Lyn, answered formally, apparently not having looked to see who was calling.

"Hello yourself Dr. Doren," Dee managed a small chuckle. "How's the crew?"

"Just finished dinner, so largely covered in food. Andrew included," Lyn laughed, apparently not minding the situation. Dee knew he didn't.

"I just bet. Listen, is tonight going to be a late night for you?" Lyn was a night owl, more of an insomniac, actually, and met Dee during his break at work now and again.

"I think so," Lyn agreed. "You wanna get together?"

"Yeah… I do. Andrew and the girls are always welcome, but my breaks probably around one am."

"Yeah they'll all be in bed, Andrew included. I'll be up though. Meet you at the greasy spoon across the corner from the two-seven?" Lyn asked, dishes clanging in the background.

"Perfect. Thanks Lyn,"

"Any time… is it something you want to talk about now?"

"No, I've got to get up and get moving and get in to the precinct and start busting my hump. I'll see you in a few hours," Dee said. "Give my love to Andrew and the girls."

"I will, have a safe night Dee," Lyn replied. Dee said good-bye once more before hanging up. He didn't waist any time staring at the phone, which was a nice change of pace. Instead he was able to do as he had told Lyn, and get in the shower and clean up, before taking the train into work.

Busting his hump was a given once he punched in at work. It was always something. Dee didn't understand how as a plain clothes detective, there was work for him during the graveyard shift, but there was. There was no such thing as nine to five in the NYPD. To be fair, he did a lot of 'beat' work, pounding the pavement, talking to witnesses and such that only came out at night, prostitutes of all varieties, dealers, pimps. Dee was good at getting those folks to cooperate. They were, Dee realized, his people. He had a vague idea that he should be ashamed of that, that he could relate to "those kind" of people, that he had gone to school with some of the girls strutting their "wares" over on 15th street. He wasn't though. He was what he was.

"Come on, Jenny, don't give me the run around," Dee sighed, "What have you got to lose by being honest with me?"

"Shut up, Dee, its Ruby now," Jenny hissed, glancing over her shoulder at the other Women of the Night. "They don't need to be knowing my real name. 'Sides, I just ain't that girl any more, ya know?"

"Bull shit," Dee shook his head. He had known Jenny a lifetime ago, for both of them. She had been in and out of the orphanage a few times, as her mom had yo-yoed on and off coke. She ran away and took to the street before she graduated high school. Dee was older then her, and had looked out for her as best he could while she was in the orphanage. He had tried to look out for all of the kids younger then him. Jenny had never been a good girl, or a sweet one. She had been hard and worn thin when she was a kid. Now… now she was starting to pick up the same coke habit her mom had had.

"What do you want Dee, time is money, so unless you want to pay me for a hand job while we talk, get to it."

"I'll pass," Dee said dryly, but not entirely without humor. "Do you know any of the Trannies across the street?" Dee asked, indicating the group of xy's in miniskirts with his head. "I don't have an in with them, and they are Stonewalling me… er, no pun intended1."

Ruby/Jenny looked across the street, then back at Dee. "You're not going to hassle them, are you?"

"You know I'm not."

"Alright, come back tomorrow night, okay?" Jenny crossed her arms over her barely covered breasts. "You gonna pay me for my time?"

"Yeah, yeah fine… Just buy yourself a shirt or something with it, not coke," Dee took out his wallet, and money changed hands. Dee watched her, and the other girls, a moment, before slowly returning to his unmarked. He hoped Jenny would be able to convince the "girls" across the street to talk to him. Dee knew that police in particular harassed transgendered sex workers, and he didn't blame them for being wary, but damnit, it was _their_ lives at stake!

After nearly a year break, the Meathook Murder had returned. He'd gotten smarter now, though, and he was now killing men no one would miss. Sex workers, runaways… and with greater frequency. What really pissed Dee off is that the bastard was getting away with it because his victims were "throw aways", and as far as the NYPD was concerned the lowest of the low, men who liked men, or who wanted to be women. He was one of the only people assigned to the case now, there was one other guy who worked days, but he was a douche. Tomorrow night though… maybe he'd get somewhere.

Around one in the morning, on his "lunch" break, he crossed the street in front of the precinct to Dave's Diner, a cop mainstay. Business was at a bit of a lull at the moment. It was one of the few twenty-four hour joints that _didn't_ get bar traffic. Largely due to the high population of cops. That meant that plenty of other third shifters, though, who didn't want to deal with the bar crowd came from several blocks away. Lyn, Dee saw, was already in a booth, and Dee slid in across from him.

"Hey, Lyn,"

"Dee, there you are," Lyn smiled, in his standard 'off duty' uniform of flannel pants and a hoodie, glasses on his nose instead of contacts. Dee would have never left his appartment in that state of dress. He couldn't have pulled it off. Lyn didn't actually seem to care if he did or not.

"Sorry I'm a little late. You know how it goes" Dee shrugged sliding into the booth across from him.

"Sure do, no worries, I was just catching up on some reading," Lyn patted the book beside him, a heavy hardbound tome of at least four hundred pages. Dee rolled his eyes.

"Right… A little light reading before bed, eh?"

"Exactly," Lyn nodded sagely, wrapping his hands around his steaming coffee mug. There was already an empty mug and a coffee pot to fill it with waiting for Dee, and he wasted no time in doing just that. "So, what's on your mind, Officer?"

"What isn't might be a shorter list," Dee sighed. "Tell me about how everyone is first."

"Oh, Keiry's getting into the 'no' and 'mine' phase. We're starting to talk about preschool for her, Andrew and I…"

"But?" Dee asked, knowing there was a 'but'.

"He and I aren't seeing eye to eye on it. He wants to send her to an all Deaf all ASL program," Lyn said, sighing a bit. "And I'm not convinced that's the best option. There's a mixed preschool, for Deaf and hearing kids. They sign, but they have a more Total Communication approach. Her and Annie are so close; I don't want to send them to different schools. I know Annie won't be starting until several months after Keiry, but still."

Dee nodded, listening. It wasn't often Lyn and Andrew fought, not seriously anyway. From what Dee understood, they had a lifetime of fighting and tension early in their relationship, and had figured out how to fight with each other. Now they were so efficient at it, it was rarely even a blip on the radar screen. They also had a very strict 'behind closed doors' policy. Fighting was family business. They showed the world a united front.

"We're just looking at it from such different perspectives," Lyn frowned deeply as he said that, which made Dee chuckle.

"By which you mean he isn't letting you have your way," Lyn was a bit of a princess at times, and Andrew usually indulged it. Dee added a little sugar to his coffee, he usually drank it black, but he could use a little extra sweetness tonight.

Lyn opened his mouth to object, and then chuckled shaking his head. "Okay, that may be why I'm mad about it, but it's not just that. He says he doesn't want her to feel like she's some how less-than because she's Deaf, that if we try to get her to learn like hearing kids, she'll feel inferior. I think he's really just afraid she'll grow up and hate us."

"You're not worried about that?" Dee asked, skeptical. He couldn't imagine not being worried about having your kids hate you. Bikky was able to express himself and state his needs and Dee was still worried that the kid would hate him because Dee missed something along the way.

"I am…" Lyn nodded slowly, shifting in the booth, either literally of figuratively uncomfortable "But… okay, so, she's Deaf, she's adopted, and she's got two dads. I feel like its even odds that she's going to hate us when she hits puberty no matter what we do. If we go totally Deaf, she'll hate us because she can't get by in the hearing world. If we teach her to speak and lip-read, she's going to hate us for not accepting her Deafness."

"That's true. Bikky hated Ryo and I for being together, then he hated us for being apart just as much. Either way we were 'ruining his life'. " Dee smiled a bit. Teenagers were just impossible, and that's all there was to it.

"Right, exactly. Even kids who have loving and understanding parents, all the latest everything, etc. always find something to be pissed off at the world about. Anyway, that's what Andrew and I have been up too, disagreeing. Now, what about you?" Lyn hadn't even tried to cover the blatant switch of subjects, but Dee let it go. He knew Lyn and Andrew both didn't like to 'air their laundry'.

"All quiet on the Western front," Dee shrugged. "At least in my personal life. Ryo and I… okay mostly I… have mostly moved past the bitter divorcee stage. It ain't comfortable, but, sometimes you just have to keep your seat, tack on the chair or not, ya know?" Dee shrugged, shifting to lean back against the wall of the diner, resting his feet on the booth, knees drawn up a bit.

"Well, that's good. Ryo's finally started replying to my emails again. He wasn't for a while there. I'm glad he's finally gotten over his own homophobia, at least mostly." Lyn said, pausing when their waiter came by. They both ordered breakfast.

"Right," Dee sighed deeply when the waiter left. "Anyway, that wasn't really what I wanted to chat about."

"What's on your mind?" Lyn asked, a bit surprised.

"Work. I've got a real problem. I need your legal expertise."

"Oh now that doesn't sound good, what the hell is going on that you need a lawyer?" Lyn sat forward a bit in his seat. When someone said "problem" and "legal expertise" together, especially when that person was Dee, it was serious.

"No, no, not me!" Dee said quickly, chuckling a little. "I don't need a _personal_ lawyer. It's more of a GOAL thing. Remember when you first came to the precinct, when Ryo and I were still 'RyoandI'? There was a serial murderer that was getting some press coverage. The Meathook Murderer? He was targeting gay men?" Dee slid the case file across the table. "Don't worry, I took the photos out."

"Yeah, vaguely…" Lyn nodded as he scanned the documentation that Dee had offered him. It was reports, evidence lists, notes from individual detectives, a majority of which were his and Ryo's.

"Right, well he's back. He's gotten smarter and changed his targets. Before we're pretty sure he was picking up men at gay bars. The kind of men who get noticed when they don't show up for work. Well, now we've got the same M.O. but now he's targeting sex workers. Male gendered and transgendered both. The NYPD doesn't feel that this case really deserves are attention. Really, this case should have gone to SVU in the first place… but it didn't. Now it should _really_ be worked by SVU… but instead it's on my desk." Dee spoke quietly, also leaning forward so he and Lyn's heads were close together, not wanting this to be overheard by the public at large.

"Right…" Lyn said slowly. "But because of who the victims are, no longer just queer, which was bad enough, but now they're whores too. You can barely get people to notice when female heterosexual sex workers are murdered. Transwomen sex workers? The guy might be given a medal instead."

They hashed it out over their food, talking quietly, trying to come up with options, for some way to get this noticed. If nothing else, to get this information out to the people who were being targeted, so they could be more careful. The only plan of attack they came up with that was likely to go anywhere, was that Lyn planned to use his contacts through GOAL, and Andrew's contacts through the Queer Resource Center to see if they could find any transgender MtoF women who would help reach out to the trans community. Dee couldn't think of any way to get the NYPD to take this seriously, and went back to the precinct, jaded and discouraged.

Ryo greeted Drake in passing, just like any other morning, as he headed to the tiny office he and Dee had shared, in fact, still technically shared. Since Dee worked nights and Ryo worked days, though, it was more like their stuff shared the office, and he and Dee just populated it occasionally. He opened the door, whistling a bit tunelessly to himself. He was in a good mood. No real reason. Ryo had felt in better sprits for a couple months though, since he had broken up with Mary and had come out to his aunt. He just felt better. The relief of not waking up every morning to find himself under the same depressive funk he had been in since Dee had left just made him… happy.

"Morning, Ryo,"

Ryo jumped, almost dropping his coffee and the file folders under his arm. Dee was still here. Still here, and clearly waiting for him. His desk chair had been turned towards the door. He looked very attractive in a tough and rumpled way. His work shirt was untucked, his tie loose, sleeves rolled up, collar unbuttoned. There was a day's worth of stubble on his face.

"Dee? What are you doing here? I mean, ah, good morning. Sorry, I just… you don't usually… uh, yeah," Ryo finished lamely, hastily walking around Dee to set his stuff down on his desk. The sudden appearance of Dee had thrown him for a loop.

"I need to talk to you," he paused, "about work."

"Oh! Oh of course, yes, right," Ryo sat down behind his own desk, flustered. "Ah, what's on your mind?" Dee seemed to have no sympathy for Ryo's discombobulation.

"Remember that case we had been working, the Meathook guy?"

"Yeah sure, but we stopped finding bodies and figured he moved or had died. What about it?"

"If he moved, he's back. He's changed his target though, and I've got a real problem getting anyone to care." Dee explained, about whom the new targets were, going into more detail then he had with Lyn about the pattern of the murders, how he was damned sure it was the same guy and not a copycat. Ryo asked a few questions for clarification here and there, as he would for the briefing of any case. When Dee was finished, Ryo looked down at his blotter, picking at a scratch in his desk.

"Dee, I sympathize, and you're right, it's bull shit that this isn't getting taken care of… but what do you want me to do about it?" He wanted to be able to help Dee, he truly did, but he wasn't high enough on the chain of command to really do much about it.

"I've got finals next week, then I'm done for the semester. I'm going to talk to the chief about adjusting my hours a bit… I…" Dee took a deep breath. "Ryo, you and I worked this case together in the first place. I need help, and I need someone with more clout then I have to keep pushing this. If the chief okays it, if you're willing… I want to be partners again. At least long enough to do something about this case."

Ryo blinked at Dee, shocked. "Are you sure?" he asked finally. "Because if we do that, we need to set aside all the other personal crap. We have to trust each other."

"I know," Dee closed his eyes a moment, he wasn't really ready to let his anger go, but he had to. It wasn't doing him any good, and it was keeping him from taking the steps he needed to take to get this case solved. "I know. We were partners before we were anything else, Ryo. I think I can handle it."

Ryo allowed himself to smile, and tried to tell his heart to just calm down. Dee would do anything for a case, especially and 'underdog' case like this. All it meant was Dee was just that dedicated to his work, it was nothing personal. He offered his hand across the desk. "I'll talk to the chief today. I'll call you tonight and tell you how it went."

Dee shook Ryo's hand with a friendly grip. "Thanks, you're a life saver, Ryo. I appreciate this."

"Hey, no sweat," Ryo stood as Dee did, clapping him on the shoulder, "Now go get some sleep, partner," he grinned sassily.

"That's the plan…" Dee paused just outside their office door, looking back at Ryo. "There's no one I'd rather work with." He said softly, before continuing on his way, not giving Ryo a chance to respond.

Ryo watched him go, smiling a little. Dee had forgiven him, trusted him enough to work with him. It was more then Ryo had really hoped to regain, and he silently promised Dee that he would never betray his trust again, no matter what.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Author's Note 1: The pun Dee makes is in reference to the 'Stonewall Riots' on 1969. Anyone who is gay-friendly should learn about this if you haven't already. Wikipedia has good general info on it, just search 'Stonewall'. The joke is that the Stonewall Riots were initially started between (probably corrupt) NYPD and transgender and transvestite folks who were sick of being harassed. Hopefully at least a couple of you got a chuckle 

Author's Note 2: That's all folks! This is the last chapter of Delicate, right here. I never thought it would happen, but I finished it. Now, before you flip out on me, I am writing a sequel. I don't intend to leave them broken up, but them getting back together is really its own story line. In order to prove that I will indeed start a sequel, I will have the first chapter up by the end of Thanksgiving weekend. Trust me, have I mislead you yet?

There is so much I want to say about this story. I've been writing it for just over four years now, not quite to the day, but to the month. It's approximately 80,000 words long, which would be more then 300 pages if it were a "real" novel. It's amazing; I can hardly believe that I've basically finished a book. I won't pretend that this is publishable writing; it's not, for many reasons, even without the fact that it's fanfiction. I love Delicate dearly, and I'll be honest with you, someday, once I'm an established writer, I hope to find a way to publish this, after much reworking of course. Delicate is a documentation of my growth as a writer. It isn't always my best writing, even this last chapter here isn't what I'd call a "good" example of my writing, but I feel like I have improved drastically over the years.

I want to thank everyone who has been reading this story, and all of you who have left me so very many reviews. I want to thank you for your patience and loyalty over the four years this story has been written.

For those of you have been detractors… nahnah nah booboo :P

I hope all of you will stick with me for the sequel. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise and get them back together by the end of this story, but I wanted to be sure that their re-falling in love is beautiful and genuine, and that takes time. I've always loved Dee, but Delicate has helped me love Ryo too. Delicate is a large contributor to my ability to "become a writer" in the published sense. Delicate has allowed me the chance to make mistakes, to be encouraged, critiqued, to learn and grow by doing. My "real" story, The King's Man, which is about 50,000 words long (200 pages), is within spitting distance of being finished. I've been told that it is a "viable" piece of work. My writing Delicate has contributed to that.

All right, I'm just babbling now. Once more, thank you, and look for the sequel. I don't have a title for it yet, but it will be clearly labeled as the sequel to Delicate. Check back Sunday the 25th of November for sure!

Courage, Kindness, Integrity,

Irish.

1 See authors note.


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